THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2012

It’s Always More Blessed to Receive

Hurley the Historian says the exact date of Jesus’ birth is not known, but that’s not a good enough reason to change all the calendars. Plus, tonight as usual, TBS will be airing “A Christmas Story” twelve times during Christmas Eve and Christmas. Politicians will be exploiting Christmas every chance they get. We’re wondering if it’ll be as bad as it was a couple of years ago when in Washington State, somebody nailed Santa to a cross to protest Christmas commercialism, and in New Zealand, drunk Santas stormed a movie theatre, leaving children really confused.

The reason we’re seeing more Christmas scenes taking place at Joseph’s carpenter shop in Bethlehem instead of the stable in Nazareth (70 miles away) is due to a change in Roman Catholic Church policy of favoring Matthew’s version of the story as opposed to the other three New Testament authors. Besides, they found a sponsor for the carpenter shop location: Black and Decker.

Our Quote for Today Committee selected Bad Santa’s “It’s always more blessed to receive.” Our Pervert Porn Checker e-mailed us a picture entitled “How to get what you want for Christmas,” and sure enough, it showed Santa getting a BJ. And if you think that’s in bad taste, check out the Corporate Christmas Card the Greedy Weasels at Clear Channel sent to some of their soon-to-be-fired employees who once again received no Christmas bonuses this year. It’s not just in Christmas spirit that you get Free porn every day for every porn7.xxx visitor.

Is it always better to give or receive? Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane says, “Just ask all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, along with the rest of us during the final 393 days of Dark Ages in the Divided States of America during Obama’s Second Term.

Today’s Seediest Kid of All

Little Bobby Blevins and his family have been living in a van down by the river in Newtown after they ignored safety warnings and their Amazing Chabot Head decorated for the holidays caught fire, and incinerated their mobile home. Unfortunately, the voice mail message for the constituency services case worker in Ohio Second Congressional District “Bronze Star” Brad Wenstrup’s office informed the Blevins family that “The Podiatrist Congressman’s” office was closed for the holidays.

So the Seediest Kids of All (not associated with the Failed United Way) took little Bobby, his parents, and 11 brothers and sisters to Senator Rob “Fighting for Families” Portman’s house on Christmas Day just up the road in Terrace Park, because as The Robster’s holiday e-mail (paid for by the Portman for Senate Committee) said, “Although we face many challenges as a country, I believe the opportunities are even greater if we work together to seize them. Thank you for giving me the chance to serve.”

While the Blevins brood was visiting with Rob and Jane, they received a commemorative copper pot engraved with a picture of Rob hugging Mitt Romney after the First Presidential Debate in 2012 as a souvenir of their visit.

The Blevins family still lives in a rusted-out van with Romney bumper sticker down by the river, but at least they know if things ever really get bad, they still have a friend in the U.S. Senate. Plus, thanks to the generosity of the Portman for Senate Campaign, they now have a pot to piss in. The entire Blevins family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your liberal guilt that makes it all possible.

More Christmas Crap

When we last left our over-the-top Obamamaniacs Tom and Rose, Rose had just returned from a very short stay in the hospital where she was being treated for frostbite. Tom was preparing to head home from his volunteer fund-raising job at National Public Radio to cheer up Rose’s day with a nice bouquet of Obama-loons. But, before he left the office, Tom cooked up another real surprise for Rose by booking a trip to the Holy Land on Priceline.com, using his new MoveOn.org credit card. “I’ve always wanted to see the birth place of the savior,” said a happy Tom. “And, I hear this is an especially nice time of the year to visit Hawaii, the State that gave us our Obamessiah!”

Speaking of Hawaii: This Christmas All Our Obamas will be spending Christmas on Oahu for the fifth straight year, while federal and local over-taxed payers are likely to be left with a holiday bill that tops $4 million in borrowed money for the first family’s security and travel expenses to the exclusive retreat known for its turquoise waters and rolling surf.

Meanwile, More Obama Ornaments Have Arrived

What if Bobby Leach handled Santa’s Correspondence?

Dear Santa:
Please send me a baby brother.

And Santa wrote back: “Send me your mother…”

The Amazing Chabot Head Decorated for the Holidays with the Star of Dubya on Top

An e-mail From Santa

Dear Friends:

It’s the night before Christmas and I’m really pissed. I’ve cussed out the elves and I’ve thrown down my list.
Those miserable brats, those ungrateful jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I’ve busted my ass for nearly a year. Instead of “Thanks a lot, Santa,” what do I hear?
The old lady bitches ’cause I work late at night. The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better, those assholes from the IRS just sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes, if that ain’t damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids nowadays, they’re all just the pits. They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds. Assembling dolls…their arms, legs, and their heads.
I made lots of yo-yos. No request for them. They want computers and robots… who am I, IBM?
Flying through the air, dodging those trees. Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I’m quitting this job. There’s just no enjoyment. I’ll sit on my fat ass and collect unemployment.
There’ll be no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason.
I found me a blonde. I’m going South for the season.
Maybe next year, you’ll get something nice. But tonight just for you, I have some advice.
Get up off your asses. You have until dawn. Wal-Mart will be open, till everything’s gone.