TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2015
Santa’s Mailbag
Santa’s been really busy this year, so he asked us to answer some of his mail. Here are a few letters we handled for him.
Dear Santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy all yeer. —Yer Frend, Alton
Dear Alton:
You no doubt attend the Failed Cincinnati Pubic Skools. I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! —Santa
Dear Santa:
All I ask for Christmas is peace and joy and racial harmony for everybody! —Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah:
You should’ve sent your letter to the Morning Fishwrap. They love that kind of crap. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I don’t know if you can arrange this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. —Your pal, Teddy
Dear Teddy:
Your dad’s banging your baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. He’s not gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom. It’s time to give up that dream. Let me bring you some nice Legos instead. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a drum set, and a pony. —Francis
Dear Francis:
Who names his kid Francis” these days? When you grow up, you’ll probably turn out to be gay. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please can I have one? —Timmy
Dear Timmy:
That whiney begging Schmidt may work with your folks, but it won’t work with me. You’re getting pink bunny slippers again. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. —Love, Susan
Dear Susan:
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when I’m riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. —Santa
Dear Santa:
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? —Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas:
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porn films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. —Santa
Dear Santa:
Do you see us when we’re sleeping? Do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
—Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica:
Are you really that stupid? Forget the toys this year. I’m skipping your house. —Santa
Dear Santa:
I’d like to run for class president. Can you help me, please, please? —”Greggie”
Dear “Greggie”:
Forget it, kid. You’re such a loser. You’ll get an hellacious ass whipping, just like all the bullies give you every day when they pull your pants down after school. —Santa
Dearest Santa:
We don’t have a chimney. How will you get into our house? —Love, Bobby
Dear Bobby:
Just like your mother’s boyfriends, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! —Santa
Dear Santa:
I’ve always wanted a Red Ryder 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle. —Ralphie
Dear Ralphie:
Sorry, kid. You might shoot your eye out. —Santa
These are the real letters to Santa. Any other letters to Santa you may see published in the newspaper are surely fake.
Recent Holiday Video Releases
Thanks for helping us keep our names in the news by allowing us to dance our way into your hearts in the Whistleblower Holiday Video. —Eric and Nicolle
At least in that new “Snowball Fight Video,” where The Whistleblower and Newt teamed up against us local RINOs, they forgot to color my face “Blue.” —Alex T., Mall Cop GOP 
Whenever The Blower needed music, we made that event really rock. —CFK and the Conservative Crew from Congress 
And don’t forget how we all helped trim the tree for Christmas. —The Whistleblower Elves
Now from the archives of our award-winning photo illustrator Artis Conception
COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE HOT LINE
e-mail your enormous empathy today
Some compassionate Conservative items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally compassionate Conservative subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
Some Of The Best 2015 Christmas CommercIals
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today. 
