WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2015 

Which Probably Doesn’t Include Clermont County

Today was supposed to be the biggest day in the year for TEA Party Patriots all over America. After all, as Hurley the Historian explained yesterday in our Special “TEA Party Day Eve” E-dition, on today’s date in 1773, a group of Massachusetts colonists disguised as Mohawk Indians boarded three British tea ships moored in Boston Harbor and dumped 342 chests of tea into the water. That event as every home-schooled scholar knows was the “Boston Tea Party.” But the sun wasn’t shining very brightly for Clermont County TEA Partiers this morning, especially after last night’s Official Clermont TEA Party Republican Presidential Debate Party looked something like this poorly attended Jeb Bush debate watching party in Miami. 

SPEAKING OF PARTIES, For those of you planning to join Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman at “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Christmas Party at the Schmidt Run Estates at 771 Wards Corner Road, where the disgraced former U.S. Congresswoman plans to announce her return to politics because the TEA Partiers won’t be standing in her way, let’s all sing the eighth verse of “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Twelve Days of Christmas,” sent in by that Dishonest DemocRAT Former Speaker of the House Nutty Nancy Pelosi, who remembers in 2008, “Thanks to ‘Mean Jean’ (whose winning percentage was the smallest in the nation), Hamilton County turned “Blue,” DemocRATS won the entire state of Ohio, and Obama became president of our multicultural United States. It goes something like this:

            On the Eighth Day of Christmas, “Mean Jean” gave to me,
            Eight Dems a Booing,
            Seven Wits a Wagging,
            Six Crooked Cronies,
            Five Libelous Liars,
            Four Screeching Tires,
            Three Borgman Cartoons,
            Two Red Dresses,
            And One Old Crapper, from Rob Portman’s Legacy.

It’s really beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, isn’t it, Portman

MEANWHILE IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says everybody at Ohio RINO Party Headquarters is glad all five of the 2015 Republican Presidential Debates are finally over, and Ohio Governor John Kasich is still in ninth place.

FROM THE WHISTLEBLOWER ARCHIVES: Edition #30 of the Original Whistleblower, published 25 years ago on December 18, 1990 (back in the really low tech days when The Blower used to be printed and delivered all over town), that week’s “Really Big Story” featured then-Hamilton County Clerk of Courts “Jaywalking Joe Deters answering 8-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon’s question.

‘TIS THE SEASON: The Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau located in East Jesus says if you’re still having trouble finding those Amazing Amish Christmas Tree Lights, call them for directions at 1-937-544-5639.

SPEAKING OF GIFTS: What better way to get our dwindling number of Obsessive Obama Supporters like Tom and Rose to demonstrate their unwavering devotion than to get them to purchase one more Obama Christmas item this year, like this rhodium metal ornament made in China for only $40 with proceeds benefitting Obama’s 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign.

THE WHISTLEBLOWER REPERTORY GROUP has a new member in its latest video showing the Whistleblower Elves in Congress when Santa isn’t watching. Can you guess his identity?

Many Druids are already excited about next Monday’s Winters Solstice and the World Fake Orgasm for Peace Day, and nowhere on the planet will that event be celebrated with such enthusiasm as it will be in the Tri-state. There’ll be a giant group orgasm at the Phallic Peace Pole in Anderson, the Piece Bell in Newport will be ringing continuously because every time you hear a bell ring it means some lucky lady is having an orgasm, the sign on the Y’All Ville water tower even says, “Y’All Come,” and Miss Vicki says all those uptight bitches from Fort Mitchell are still planning to celebrate “Fake Orgasms for Peace Day.”

That’s why our good friend Michael “Liquid” Plummer organized our Fort Mitchell focus group this week to try to determine how guys could figure out when their womenfolk were faking it, and this morning as a huge pubic service, The Whistleblower is pleased to bring you the “Top Ten Ways You’ll Know She’s Faking an Orgasm”:

10. She won’t stop yawning.
9. She keeps yelling, “Hurry up, Steve! Aren’t you finished yet?”
8. She keeps moaning somebody else’s name.
7. She keeps asking, “What are you doing back there?”
6. She won’t answer when you ask if it’s the best sex she’s ever had.
5. She asks if she can count on your vote.
4. She falls asleep before you do.
3. She says she forgot to take her Orgasmo.
2. She asks if you forgot to take your Viagra.
…and the Number One Way You’ll Know She’s Faking an Orgasm is… She says, “Next time start without me!”

Maybe that’s why Horny in Hebron says, “Everyone should live to be 92 years old, have an orgasm and drop dead.”

And now we have your Winter Solstice Joke: So, a man goes to the doctor on Winter Solstice Day to get some tests done. After a little while, the doctor comes back and says, “I’ve got bad news and good news. The bad news is that you have six months to live.”

            “What’s the good news?” says the man.

            “Well, the days are getting longer,” said the doctor.

 Back at The Blower, holiday cards displayed include the personally signed one from George and Laura and The Blower’s own holiday card that says “Forget the Christmas Season, the whole thing’s really crappy, just give us a scandal, to make us all happy.” The verse was written by Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his bestselling book: “Let’s Celebrate the Solstice.” The third card is from Boondoggle County Judge Defective Gary Moore that says, “The economy’s down, Times are hard, Here’s your Fuckin’ Christmas Card.” The envelope says it was not mailed at over-taxed payers’ expense. If you believe that, we have a bridge we’d like to sell you.

Finally, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says he can hardly wait for our Good Friend Kenton Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders’ annual Christmas Party, especially since The Whistleblower NoKY Legal Dream Team and the Cabal to Destroy “Crazy Eric Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) events are being combined.

MORE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL CARTOONS

POLITICALLY INCORRECT HOLIDAY DECORATIONS HOT LINE

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Some Christmas-spirit-filled items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Christmas-spirit-filled items subscribers.

 WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY

Silent Monks Singing Hallelujah Chorus

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.