TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2015
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
The History Channel says on tomorrow’s date in 1773, a group of Massachusetts colonists disguised as Mohawk Indians boarded three British tea ships moored in Boston Harbor and dump 342 chests of tea into the water. Now known as the “Boston Tea Party,” the midnight raid was a protest of the Tea Act of 1773, a bill enacted by the British parliament to save the faltering British East India Company by greatly lowering its tea tax and granting it a virtual monopoly on the American tea trade. —Hurley the Historian
That’s why we chose Bill O’Reilly’s “The TEA Party is simply a loose description of local activism driven by Americans who want smaller government and more self-reliance. That sounds like what the Founding Fathers had in mind, does it not?” —Your Quote for Today Committee
Will we win your “Liberals Tell the Stupidest Lies” Award for spending all day tomorrow comparing the historic Boston TEA Party to all those Racial Rioters all over America looting chanting “What do we want? Dead cops!” — Activists in the Classrooms and Left-Wing Apologists in the News Media Promoting the Liberal Agenda
Is The Blower the ONLY member of the news media to capitalize all the letters in TEA Party? Maybe it’s because those guys have used “TEA Party” ever since they helped publicize that first big “Taxed Enough Already” Rally on Fountain Square, back in 1990s. —Ohio TEA Party Guy Tom Zawistowski
Do you think the news media would capitalize “TEA Party,” if we remembered to do it? — Cincinnati Tea Party, Anderson Tea Party, Clermont Tea Party, Cincinnati East Tea Party, West Chester Tea Party, and the SouthWest Cincinnati Tea Party, wherever the hell that is.
And we’ll be calling them “Teabaggers” because it’s a vulgar slang term, if you know what we mean. —Liberals on TV
We get the part about capitalizing all the letters in “TEA Party,” but do you think it was a mistake allowing ourselves to become assimilated into the Republican Party? —Anderson TEA Party
Provisions of Boehner’s $1.1 Trillion “cromnibus bill” that relaxed campaign finance rules last year were designed to “basically eliminate the TEA Party as a viable threat,” and help corporate America defeat the TEA Party. —Rush Limbaugh
People shouldn’t ask us why we rubber stamped Boehner’s bill. —So-called Conservative Republican Congressmen Steve Chabothead and “Bronze Star” Brad Wenstrup
Did Clermont County TEA party leader Ted Stevenot really say he was going to challenge Ohio RINO Governor Kasich-Taylor in the Republican gubernatorial primary this year? —Cleveland Pain Dealer
What happened yesterday? Obama’s 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign wasn’t even trying to sell us another crappy Christmas tree ornament or ask for a donation. —Obsessive Obama Supporters like Tom and Rose
In last week’s column titled “Something Special,” we learned as annoying as all those so-called Christmas Specials on TV might be, the regular programming is even worse. —Your Friends in Patronage County
How surprised will everybody at my Christmas Party be when I announce my plans to return to politics? —Mean Jean Schmidt
We’re all planning to be there, so that party will really rock. —CFK’s Conservative Crew
Our Litigious Lawyers didn’t glom onto enough cash this year from the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools and the City of Cincinnati, so we’re having to charge $5 for admission as well as drinks at our Chintzy Christmas Party. —Citizens Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes (COAST)
I always worry about being the only black person there. —NAALCP President SMLP Smithermouth
Sometimes those Amazing Amish Christmas Lights are hard to see because the Amish don’t use electricity. —Adams County Historian Scott Seaman
Hey, everybody: a new shipment of Chabotheads has just arrived. —K-Mart
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All
We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People
Please tell the yoofs there be only 11 mo’ shopliftin’ days till Kwanzaa! —Kwanzaa Klaus
With so few Jews and Colored People in Northern Kentucky, it will be hard trying to decide which minor holiday to ignore in December. —Ken Camboo
Nothing says “Christmas” more than a picture of Our Beloved Publisher Charles Foster Kane and a bunch of topless bimbos wearing Santa hats (in the middle of an old “Politically Incorrect Christmas E-dition). —Horny in Hebron
Many people are asking if Dinosaurs will be included when we build Noah’s Ark without any over-taxed payers money. —Answers in Genesis
All over Northern Kentucky, folks are getting ready to party hearty on the Winter Solstice next Monday. —Dave the Druid
Remember when Mae West said, “An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away?” —Your Good Friend Bobby Leach
Wouldn’t it be funny if FaceBook pictures from my World Orgasms for Peace Party got mixed up with the photos from my Family Christmas Newsletter? —Miss Vicki
A man walked into Victoria’s Secret to purchase his wife a sheer negligee for Miss Vicki’s party. He was shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opted for the sheerest item, paid the $500, and took it home. He gave it to his wife and asked her to model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (I’m no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’ She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose. The husband said, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it to get the wrinkles out!’ Poor guy. He never heard the shot. The funeral is on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin. —A Guy Named Steve
Wouldn’t it be funny if pictures from that World Orgasms for Peace Party got mixed up with the photos from an old This Week In Kenton Circuit Court? —Your Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders
We’re combining our holiday get-together with our Good Friend Kenton Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders’ Ninth Annual Annual Christmas Party, since so many of our members have been invited there too. — That Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club)
The best part about our Winter Solstice Celebration at the station is when we grab Trish “The Dish’s” legs and Trish says, “Make a wish.” —TV 19 Photographers
TV5’s Sheree Paolello liked it when we said “orgasms” on the air. —Jack Atherton, (Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you’re still having trouble finding me)
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially especially #Black Lies Matter and Muslim Protesters in Cincinnati.
Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Obsessive Compulsive Obama Supporters to show that white guilt-ridden, Volvo-driving, Birkenstock-wearing, bottled-water-drinking liberals will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who doesn’t already have 437 Obama ornaments on his Obama tree for Obamamas.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially Tom and Rose.
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