THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2015
More Mundane Matters
IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says when Republican State Rep-tile “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman testified Tuesday before the Ohio House Commerce and Labor Committee about his “right-to-work” bill, which would prohibit private-sector labor union membership as a condition of employment and forbid such unions from charging “fair-share fees” to non-union workers, all those Union thugs sent to intimidate him didn’t appear to be too happy.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1984, an explosion at a Union Carbide pesticide plant in Bhopal, India, led to the worst industrial accident in history. At least 2,000 people died and another 200,000 were injured when toxic gas enveloped the city. “Those were the good old days,” says Disbarred Greedy Hearse-Chasing, Disgraced Democrat, Clinton-Loving, Fen-Phen Scandal Plagued, Not-Yet-Indicted Trial Attorney $Tan Che$ley, Kentucky winner of Eighth Annual Whistleblower Turkey Decorating Contest for Thanksgiving, where the person who was selected as the biggest turkey of the year would be shown with his head on the body of a turkey.
MAYBE THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose $tan’s “We’re very pleased and looking forward to the discovery.”
INSANITY IN THE SUBURBS: Apparently Mary Ann Crusty is wanting the women of NE Hamilton County to drop everything and help her get signatures so she can run for County Commissioner. And you thought fools only came out on April First. The Blower thinks Judge Sylvia “Big Mama” Hendon would make a great County Commissioner, where she would be conscientious in her review of Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters’ Budget Requests and Personnel Practices.
And did you see that Zombie Nativity Scene in Sycamoron Township? The Blower hopes Jessie Jackson doesn’t see it. Black Jesus’ Life Matters too, you know.
OUR CITY HALL SNITCH wonders if you saw where the Trolley Folly to Nowhere was halted for two hours when a kid’s helium balloon caught in the power lines. It’s time for our Nine Fine Clowns to ban balloons from the “Street Car Safe Zone: No Guns, No Grugs, and especially No Balloons.
CLERMONT COUNTY CRISIS: Last Month, The Blower wondered if there’d be any really big news on December 1 at the Clermont County TEA Party meeting. Some people said Ted Stevenot was planning to run for another office, then suddenly back out again, like he did the last two times. Others said he was just trying to make money by selling copies of another book. Actually, he announced, that as of January 1, he will be retiring from leadership in the Clermont Tea (sic) Party. Maybe that was a good idea, since Ted could never remember to capitalize all the letters in “TEA” Party.
TYPICAL OBAMA SUPPORTERS TOM AND ROSE are paying no attention to the latest Gallup Poll showing Obama’s incredibly shrinking poll ratings, and spent all afternoon on Cyber-Monday trying to decide which Obama Christmas Ornaments to order online from Obama’s Legacy Campaign Office at the White House.
OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Conan O’Brien’s “Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, “Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.”
TODAY, THE WHISTLEBLOWER REPERTORY GROUP proudly presents the Whistleblower Snowball Fight Video, where Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and Newt are teamed up against Alex T. and the local RINOs. [WATCH IT HERE]
MINORITY REPORT: What’s Kwanzaa Klaus bringing you this year? A healthy dose of political correctness for a totally fabricated holiday.
TRAVEL ADVISORY: If you’re still having trouble finding where Ohio’s Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup will be turning on those Amazing Amish Christmas Tree Lights in Adams County on Saturday, you might check with the Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau, located west of West Union.
ALSO IN CLERMONT COUNTY: It’s time for the Crony Chorus to sing the Second Day of “Mean Jean Schmidt’s” Twelve Days of Christmas,” sent in by “Mean Jean’s” Eviler Twin Sister Jennifer Black, after “Mean Jean” was again featured on MTV’s “Awesomely Bad Celebrity Fashions.” It goes something like this:
“On the Second Day of Christmas, ‘Mean Jean’ gave to me,
Two Red Dresses,
And one old Crapper, from Rob Portman’s Legacy.”
Let’s all learn the words so we can sing them at “Mean Jean’s” upcoming Annual Holiday Party later this month.
TODAY’S UNITED APPALL PERSON is diner waitress Emily Frump, who stops in several times a day at the Carolyn Washburn Drop-Inn Center for Extremely Unattractive Nymphomaniacs, another one of the seemingly endless United Appall Agencies serving some of the area’s more unfortunate citizens. Emily hopes the United Appall meets its fund-raising goal next week so she can continue to meet lonely men and satisfy their insatiable sexual cravings. “I just want to be loved,” says Marlene. “Is there anything wrong with that?”
HANUKKAH JOKE: Next week is Hanukkah and Sadie went to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards. She asked the cashier for 50 Hanukkah stamps. What denomination?” replied the cashier. “Please give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform,” Sadie said.
UNTIL THEN, here’s an update on that Company Christmas Party you’ve been reading about in The Blower:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
So December 21 marks the Winter Solstice… what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay?
Patty
FINALLY, AT TODAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: Political Insiders are wondering why Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane has yet to return from Graydon Head’s Annual “Holiday Reception” at the Fort Mitchell Country Club. One particularly observant Blower reader thought he saw cocktail sauce on Kane’s trademark Whistleblower tie. “That’s right,” Kane admitted. “It’s one of the hazards of eating all that free shrimp.”
And was Graydon Head able to make Jews feel welcome in Northern Kentucky without Rick “The Batboy” Robinson’s ecumenical efforts? We’ll have to see if Kane is invited back to next year’s holiday party.
Tonight we’ll see how welcome Kane’s classmates make him feel at the Anderson High School’s Class of ‘56 Survivors Dinner at Red Lobster. Do you think he’ll need a nametag?
THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL
This Week’s Seediest Kid of All is “Gex” Wanker, a bright little 9-year-old Bluegrass boy at Ridgerunner Elementary School, whose cruel classmates taunted him mercilessly, not just because he was years older than the other kindergartners, but because his name “Gex” rhymed with “Sex.”
So the Seediest Kids of All (not associated with the Failed United Way) asked Gex’s parents to choose a more appropriate name to enhance the boy’s self esteem and got their permission to have his name changed legally. They got a prominent Northern Kentucky attorney (not Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters) to go to the courthouse and ask the judge for a paper to take to school so everyone would know his name had been officially changed. “Gex’s” cruel classmates still taunt him mercilessly, even more than before his parents officially changed his name to “Shithead.”
The Wanker family called to express their gratitude for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, since it’s your liberal guilt giving throughout the year which makes it all possible.
Rick “the Bat Boy” Robinson says today’s “Seediest Kid of All” is his all-time favorite. Can you figure out why?
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
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Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our November fund-raising drive by the Fort Mitchell Country Club, where they’d never seen so many Jews in Kentucky before.
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