Friday, September 18, 2015

Maybe We Should Just Call it Beerfest

Yesterday at the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if The Blower would be refraining from using the word “Oktoberfest” again this year.

“Of course we will, but I’m not sure it will do a lot of good,” Kane explained. “You saw how hard we try to convince people CNN’s “Attack on the Republican Party” Wednesday night was “not really a debate,” and not a single other media outlet in the universe figured how we were right, there’s not much use trying educate anybody in our Dumbed-Down Obamaland that it’s not already Oktober even if the date on their cell phones says “September.” 

What kind of so-called Family-Oriented Event needs 108 different kinds of beer? Over-eating Organizers say this weekend fat-ass people who claim to be of German heritage will be consuming 23,000 soft pretzels, more than 80,000 brats, more than 80,000 metts, 20,000 cream puffs, 6,000 pickles, and 700 pounds of Limburger cheese. Can’t you just feel the arteries hardening?

And there were all those wiener dogs running around Fountain Square on Friday. I’m surprised people them, too. This year’s grand marshal is former Bungals quarterback Ken Anderson, who will lead the annual Chicken Dance on Saturday. Alternate Life-Style Editors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis were hoping Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback would be on stand leading the Gay Chicken Dance, after Obama White House’s New Ambassador of Gayness From Outer Space— Star Trek’s George Takei was here in 2013.

 Meanwhile, many guys think the women they might meet downtown at Cincinnati’s Septemberfest Celebration will look something like this.

But in case they turn out to be the kind of Skanks who usually show up downtown, we have sleazy Jerry Springer’s top ten sure-fire Septemberfest pickup lines:

10. So what grade are you in, Honey?
9. Has anybody ever told you that you look like Della Sutorious?
8. Did you vote for me on “Dancing with the Stars?”
7. Mind if I share your Port-o-let?
6. Care for a bite of my bratwurst?
5. Hey, Fraulein, nice kraut!
4. I’m not wearing anything under my lederhosen.
3. My overnight ratings are terrific.
2. If you think my nose is big…
…And Jerry Springer’s number one Oktoberfest pickup line is… Are you really sure you won’t take a check?

Prosit!