Saturday, September 19, 2015

With 108 Kinds of Beer, We Hope They Have Enough Portolets

While everybody at the Conservative Agenda remembers the good old days when Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory would bite his first wiener, the Downtown Clown-cil says this year, if same-sex couples don’t observe the “No Sex” signs behind the Post Office at Septemberfest this year and only have sex in the designated areas, next year’s event will be alcohol-free.

Here’s how much fun last year’s celebration was:

Now let’s watch Channel Nine “Substantially True” News’ total BS Report about how easy it’s going to be to find a cheap place to park this weekend.

Actually, TV 12’s news poll showed 30% of viewers with nothing better to do, thought this year’s Septemberfesting with 108 kinds of beer would already be alcohol-free. Hello out there, people! It’s a beer fest, where drinking a glass of each kind of beer would only take 18 hours. And just think, these clueless 30% are already able to vote in real elections. Remember when Benjamin Franklin said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy?”

Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says watching what’s going on in Washington these days is enough to drive anybody to drink.

Speaking of the real Oktoberfest, Teutonic Teaser Martin Sonneborn is well-known for jokes bordering on the tasteless. But a satirical “Ick bin ein Obama” billboard of him posing in blackface makeup as US President Barack Obama sparked outrage in Germany in 2011, at least among those liberal krauts in the press.

Hurley the Historian says on Monday’s date in 1780, Benedict Arnold committed treason and today, Obama and his Disingenuous DemocRATS are still calling House Republicans who didn’t vote to fund Planned Parenthood are traitors, too. It seems Boehner and his RINOs in the House have not yet caved in again to Obama on his latest cockamamie campaign, while Disingenuous DemocRATS in the Senate will continue to vote to give money to Baby Killer because they claim Killing Babies and selling Body Parts saves lives.

That’s why Our Quote for Today Committee chose Ann Coulter’s “DemocRATS will not let the words ‘abortion’ or ‘tax hikes’ pass their lips.”

Everybody’s trying to figure out who that Black guy in the picture to the right is. Is he from #BlackLiesMatter, a supporter of Convicted Juvenile Judge Tracie Hunter, or just one of Sam DuBose’s long lost relatives?

Whistleblower Alternative Lifestyle Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis remember two years ago when that Fourth Tier Celebrity Gay Star Wars Character George Takei as Grand Marshall made Oktoberfest Zinzinnati 2013 the gayest Oktoberfest yet. Richard Simmons obviously wasn’t available. Everybody was waiting to see Senator if Rob “My Son is Gay” Portman and Deceased Gay Stargazer Jack Horkheimer Wannabe Dean Regas from the Cincinnati Observatory would also be joining Mr. Sulu in the “Choke My Chicken” Dance. Oh, myyy! Last year it’s all up to Nick and Drew Lachey to do their dance, plugging a new record album release, and nobody can quite figure out why former Bungals Quarterback Ken Anderson was chosen to be Grand Marshall this year.

Our Good Friend Bobby Leach says watching “Boobs and Polkas” always gets him in the mood for Oktoberfest.

This year all supporters of both Cincinnati DemocRAT Midget Mayor John Cranley and his former rival Foxy Roxanne Qualls will be wearing “Hillary Clinton for President in 2016” T-Shirts on the front, and “At this point, what difference does it make?” on the back.

Loony Libertarian Mayoral Candidate Jim Berns will be waving a “Winburn Sign” somewhere in Clifton, but he should really be standing in front of Deadbeat Liz Rogers’ now-closed Mahogany’s Restaurant at the Banks with all those other Black Germans, since “The Windbag” was one of the Soul Food Six on Cincinnati City Clowncil who voted to piss away $1 million of over-taxed payers’ money on that Affirmative Action Atrocity.

Meanwhile, Queen Noble still says, “They’s all motherfucking bitches, every motherfucking one of them.”

Overheard at the FOP: Ex-City Mangler Dough Boy Honey’s choice for Cincinnati’s police chief could’ve been worse. Instead of Jeffrey Blackwell, he could’ve picked Rosa Blackwell.

In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says everybody is waiting for Governor Kasich to designate October as German Heritage Month in Ohio. WTF’s all that about? Oktoberfest is always mistakenly celebrated in September. September 15-October 15 is already Hispanic Heritage Month. And Hitler’s Birthday is always on April 20.

In Anderson, TEA Party Township Trustee Andy Pappas (shown enjoying himself here) can hardly wait until Monday when Ohio Second District Republican Podiatrist/ Congressman “Bronze Star” Brad Wenstrup tries to glom on to some of that fabulous FREE publicity with his own hastily scheduled Town Hall Meeting from 6-7 PM at the Anderson Government Center where Angry Andersonians can ask all the Politically Incorrect Questions they can come up with over the weekend.

In Clermont County, Republican State Rep-tile John Becker said he’d buy us a beer at Septemberfest if we mentioned “The Becker Doctrine” one more time, whatever the Hell that is.

In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says yesterday’s Limerick Contest Winner Floyd Schnitzelflogger from Florence, KY, likes Oktoberfest on Mainstrasse in Covington better, because at the one in Downtown Cincinnati this weekend, not as many girls will show you their Big Beautiful American breasts.

FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane why they celebrate “Oktoberfest” in September, and our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher said, “The only trouble with German food is, an hour later you’re hungry for power.”

REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.

FLOYD SCHNITZELFLOGGER’S SEPTEMBERFEST HOT LINE

E-mail your oom pah pahs today.

Some German-American items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally German-American subscribers, but let’s face it, Schatzie, we could always use a lot more.

SEPTEMBERFEST VIDEOS OF THE DAY

Hitler’s Oktoberfest Downfall