SUNDAY, JULY 19, 2015
More Politics Unusual
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says Yesterday (July 18) was the 46th anniversary of Uncle Teddy’s driving his Oldsmobile into the water at Chappaquiddick which caused the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, and today (July 19) is the 46th anniversary of Uncle Teddy’s reporting the incident to the local police.
Word is Massachusetts changed its SCUBA diving test. It now requires you to put the pants back on a pregnant mannequin in the backseat of a car upside down in 30 feet of water, on one breath of air.
THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Teddy Kennedy’s “There is no truth, no truth whatever, to the widely circulated suspicions of immoral conduct that have been leveled at my behavior and hers regarding that evening.” That self-serving statement was made before The Blower published daily Liberal Liar Awards.
OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s “Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump’s winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine.” Conan O’Brien said, “A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.” And Seth Meyers said, “President Obama today became the first sitting U.S. president to visit a federal prison.And for a brief moment, there was some real excitement over at Fox News.”
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says most of the news focus has been on the Republican side of the presidential race, but Saturday night in Iowa all five announced Disingenuous DemocRAT candidates shared the same stage for the first time. In the words of Hillary Clinton, “At this point what difference does it make?” [READ MORE HERE]
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #198 says never speak of “Affirmative Action” —only of “Reverse Discrimination.” Elaborate by saying how angry it makes you that talented blacks, Mexican-Americans, and others who secured their jobs and their college places purely on their own merit will forever be looked on with suspicion and resentment.
JOHN GALT says, “I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
IN LAST WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “LARCENOUS LANDLORDS,” the Patronage County Commissioners were arguing about the renovation plan for the local Patronage County Museum, as well as the Patronage County Music Center, because Commissioners still needed to decide before August 6 whether to place a proposed sales tax increase on the November ballot. This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.
NOW HERE’S ANOTHER TIMELY POEM FROM BUNKY TADWELL, THE BARD OF CLEVES:
Seeing is Believing
Ah the wondrous days of summer
The cricket’s cheerful song.
The see-thru clothes the girlies wear
And the break-a-way lacy thong.
MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says with Planned Parenthood being condemned nationwide for selling the body parts for cash of the babies they kill, Republicans for Higher Taxes say we should support them in their difficult time. As R4ht asks, what’s wrong with selling the human body parts of a “non-human” life?
Our local media has noted that several potential investors have expressed immediate interest in the space now vacated by Toby Keith’s bar down on the Banks. The Blower recommends a hip-hop club that will draw the City’s yoofs for parties like the recent 4th of July celebration we experienced on Fountain Square. This would help us achieve the inclusive diversity we’ve been missing ever since we lost Mahogany’s Soul Food restaurant. They could even include a game of knock-out if any White people happen to venture into that club!
And has The Liberal Agenda Fishwrap become so incompetent that they cannot even do a proper hatchet job (“Deer Park pol pushes hyper-local ALEC arm?”) This article which purported to go after local lobbyist and Deer Park Council Member Charlie Hassle seemed more like an example of a failed fishing expedition! How many freedom of Information requests were there? More importantly where is the smoking gun? What was the problem in the first place? Let alone that the liberal whiner wasn’t even from this region! Has Hassle greased so many skids that no-one would speak ill of him for the Fishwrap? Puhlease, Staff is pretty sure Stonewall might have stones of discontent to fling at the Community Values Spokesman, who probably still isn’t allowed to “review” all of Phil Burr-ass’ porn files! Oh for the days of good ol’ Junketing John Dowlin, and real reporters!
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES reports Wall Street opened its wallet for Republican presidential contender Jeb Bush and DemocRAT front-runner Hillary Clinton in their first weeks as candidates, despite the sometimes tough talk on the campaign trail about closing the nation’s wealth gap.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone willing to help himself from the stores of others, and in select parts of the country, McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Donuts are trying to draw in customers and boost business by promising a free caffeine fix on the dreariest day of the work week.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.
AND AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane what he thought about Donald Trump’s taking his feud with Arizona Senator John McCain to a new level when Trump said, “He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.” The Blower will make two predictions,” Kane said. “First, Trump will not apologize, and second, it won’t be the last thing Trump says during the campaign for which he won’t apologize.” Maybe that’s why the counter at the lower right hand corner of the Whistleblower Web Page is already counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until the next time Donald Trump says something really stupid, because whom do you think Real Republican Primary Voters will be tuning in to watch at the first GOP Presidential Candidates Debate in Cleveland on August 6?
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:
MONDAY (JULY 20) we’ll be focusing like a laser on the 2016 Republican Primary Race, while we’re continuing to count down the 549 Days of Dishonesty for America remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.
TUESDAY (JULY 21) we’ll be yawning after John Kasich’s surprise announcement that he’s actually running for president, and our “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” will be trying to contain their excitement, too.
WEDNESDAY, (JULY 22) we’ll be trying to explain why our Ohio Republican Governor won’t even be invited to take part in the First 2016 GOP Presidential Debate in Cleveland on August 6.
THURSDAY (JULY 23) we’ll be getting ready to celebrate tomorrow’s “Cousins Day,” featuring a lot of same-sex weddings in Northern Kentucky.
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (JULY 24) LIMERICK IS: “Liberal outrage is so phony and fake.”
AND SATURDAY (JULY 25), we’ll be covering the Annual Anderson Daze celebration at Beech Acres Park, especially those Forrest Gump School Board candidates circulating petitions near the Township Trustees Dunking Booth, and trying to find out more information about Anderson Trustee Andy Pappas’ Family Friendly Nudist Camp and Marina opening on the Ohio River near the Belterra Racino.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Judge Mallory.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more. Whistleblower Video of the Week
Why Cops Really Appreciate Serving and Protecting Some Black People
(Sent in by our FOP Snitch, who for some strange reason prefers to remain anonymous on this one)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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