SATURDAY, JULY 4, 2015
See, Flags Do Kill People, Too
The Daily Currant reports seven people were killed this morning when a Confederate flag walked into an Alabama shopping mall and started shooting.
According to local reports, the flag entered Cherrywood Mall outside Huntsville armed with two AK-47 assault rifles, a P 228 handgun and several grenades. It immediately proceeded to unload its ordinance on unsuspecting shoppers.
In addition to those killed, 23 people were injured and are currently being treated in area emergency rooms. Several are in critical condition and not expected to survive.
The flag’s motivations are uncertain at the moment. However, according to witnesses the flag did specifically target White people with Northern accents.
“The flag chased us down the hallway screaming ‘Die, Yankees Die!’,” says Justin Anderson, an aeronautical engineer originally from New Hampshire. “Luckily flags don’t move very fast, so my girlfriend and I managed to outrun it.”
Lucy Patterson, a homemaker from New Jersey wasn’t so lucky. Both her legs were blown off when the flag lobbed a hand grenade at her feet.
“It looked straight into my eyes, pulled the pin, and threw a death ball my way,” she says. “It was so cold-blooded. Almost as if it weren’t human.”
Shortly thereafter the flag turned the gun on itself, shooting itself in the pole several times. Rushed to Huntsville Beth-Israel Medical Center, it was pronounced dead on arrival.
Confederate flags have increasingly been committing mass shootings in the South. Although retailers like Wal-Mart and Amazon have belatedly banned their sale, the existing stockpile of flags should be considered armed and extremely dangerous.
“It’s a real tragedy,” says Bret Michaels, the CEO of retailer Wal-Mart, “We should have stopped selling Confederate flags sooner. Think of how many flag-on-human shootings we could have prevented.”
NOTE: This was satire. It didn’t really happen.
We had to explain, because all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Free-Stuff Grabbing Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, might not have known the difference.
THE LATEST POLLS: While Obama, Disingenuous DemocRATS, Liberal Social Warriors, and the Press desperately seek to exploit racial divisions for political gain, the majority of Americans continue to wonder why so many remain intolerant of the Confederate flag while they, simultaneously, pretend to oppose the flag out of a mistaken sense of “tolerance.” But according to a new report, a whopping 70% of Americans want the federal government to leave the flag alone.
