Saturday, May 9, 2015 

Don’t Forget Mother’s Day Tomorrow

Mother’s Day is getting to be too commercial. This year they started putting up decorations right after Kwanzaa. Then there’s all that Mother’s Day music on the radio and everybody goes around wishing each other “Happy Mother’s Day,” even if you’re Jewish, but then their “Why Haven’t You Called Your Mother” celebration lasts for eight days. (Cincinnati Bell says Mother’s Day is the one day each year interns at The Blower can e-mail their Mother’s and they would incorrect it “Spam.”)  And you know all those Mothers you see in the stores aren’t the real Mother. They’re only Mother’s little helpers. And on Mother’s Day Eve, little children will be waiting for that Big Mother to come down the chimney. But you know they’re really hyping it, when you see Mother’s Day cards for fathers at Walgreens. No wonder a group calling itself “Mothers Acting Up” is holding a big parade tomorrow to help lead the observance of Mother’s Day back to its roots. Of course, hairy-legged Feminists will be against Mother’s Day. And now we know why our Quote for Today Committee chose “Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.”

Ohio Right to Life sends out a lot of Mother’s Day Cards, but Baby-Killers at Planned Parenthood won’t have that unnecessary expense.

On Sunday,  Obama Supporters in the Press will be in full swoon over their Messiah’s Mother’s Day Message to same-sex mothers. But why should tomorrow be any different? Maybe Obama will be calling a WBA player to congratulate her for coming out as a lesbian.

At Cincinnati City-Clown-cil, SMLP Smithermouth and The Windbag are promoting a “Million Yo Mommas March Against Black-on-Black Violence.” (In the picture to the right, This Mama Ain’t Playin’, as she forces her poor misunderstood yoof to stand holding a sign that says “Hi, I’m 18 years old. I STEAL! I want to go to prison to be with my daddy!”)

Meanwhile, at Cincinnati City Hall, everybody remembers when former Vice Mayor Stevecia Reece threatened to send a Big Mother to beat you up if you told the FBI about her Daddy’s deals. Our City Hall Snitch wondered what Dainty DemocRAT Former Mayor Mark Mallory would be giving his big Black burly bodyguard for Mother’s Day, as well as what will be on Dainty’s Chocolate Doughboy City Mangler’s “honey-do” list. And did Mallory ever rescind Val the Impaler’s directives that all department heads and supervisors ensure that Whistleblower Mother’s Day greetings would not posted on City Hall bulletin boards, because that former City Manager said anybody who fails to regard her directive as a serious matter will be subject to extreme disciplinary action?

Over at the Courthouse, Clerk of Courts Tracy Winkler says if you want to see if your mom is being getting garnisheed, you can always check it out on her web page. If you want to see how much your mom’s property values were jacked up, you can look it up on the Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor’s web page. Republicans for Higher Taxes always wants your mom to pay higher taxes, but Double-faced DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune will have to wait for his next chance to raise your mother’s taxes on the first chance he gets, with a little help from RINO Commissioner Me, Greg Hartmann.

Also at the Courthouse, our still recovering Jungle Fever Boy Judge P-P-P-Patrick DeWhine remembers that time he didn’t feel welcome on Mother’s Day if he showed up at the Sniveling Senator’s farm in Cedarville with another fat Black Floozie. We always wondered what the Baptist Bigots at Cedarville University thought about that!

Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka says his hero Jerry Springer is planning a tasteful Mother’s Day tribute on his TV show, including listing all the mothers he’d pay to have sex with. Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP plans to write another meaningless Mother’s Day message to his followers on Twitter, accusing all those black mothers in politics like Tracie Hunter, Yvette Simpson, and Wendell Young of being incompetent. Dumpy DemocRAT Obama-Loving Former Ohio First District One-Term Congressman Steve Drinkhaus wonders what the word for Mother is in Swazi (the southern Bantu language spoken in Swaziland). The Ohio RINO Party is sending out Mother’s Day Cards for all of their “Rubber Stamp Central Committee Members from Party Boss Matt Borges. Still Defeated, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt would still be sending out plagiarized Mother’s Day greetings, if she could still use her over-taxed payer funded e-mail, and “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup will be wishing moms a Happy Mother’s Day too, in a special Mother’s Day fund-raising e-mail.  Meanwhile, all the other Crooks in Congress say, “Your mother doesn’t really need a tax cut, but thanks a lot for our own heath care benefits, as well as out the last raise.”

Black people especially appreciate Mother’s Day. In the ‘hood, they use the word “mother” in so many colorful ways. Many of these “mothers” are on Cincinnati’s Likely Killers List. And in Lower Price Hill, Mamacitas in Cinco-de-Natti will enjoy a delicious Mother’s Day burrito.

At Loveland’s Dildo World Warehouse, Patty Brisben says, “Send your mom something nice in a plain brown wrapper.” The Blower’s 2007 Tri-state Mother of the Year Donna Trevino says if any of her friends in the news media would like to stop by on Mother’s Day, please bring a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken— extra crispy. And in Anderson Township, Trustee “In Russ We Trust?” Jackson says, “When you take mom out for Mother’s Day brunch around here, you’d better hope she likes Video Slot Machines.” And if you still have any money left during the Obama Recession, you can always Google all those overpriced restaurants in Greater Cincinnati to see if any of them are offering Dom Perignon and Bollinger at half price on Mother’s Day.

On Mother’s Day, many guys start thinking about MILFs, including “Jaywalking Joe” Deters, who says especially when an older woman looks as good in a thong bikini when she reaches Judge Sylvia “Big Momma” Hendon’s age.

In Y’All Ville, Mayor Blondie Whalen says Victoria’s Secret suggests see-through lingerie for mom. In Independence, where incest is best, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Mother’s Day is always a family affair, because it’s also “Cousin’s Day.” At Mainstrasse Pub, single mothers with big breasts always drink free. In Covington, the new law says you can’t discriminate against a mother, especially if she’s a lesbian, while Whistleblower Alternative Life-style Columnists Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis get to play “Mommy and Daddy,” and our Cross-Dressing Attorney tries on some more of his mom’s clothes. Gex “Rhymes with Sex” Williams says in southern Boondoggle County, they even have Mother’s Day cards for barnyard animals. Elsewhere in Northern Kentucky, illegal alien moms are being rounded-up and deported. Former Governor Paul Patton Her on the Ass says Mother’s Day is always a great day to enjoy a three-way, just like every other day.

Former Bluegrass Governor Ernie Fletcher says he hopes your mother isn’t indicted on Mother’s Day. We hope Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders doesn’t forget to put out a special Mother’s Day e-dition of his titillating e-newsletter this week. At the Kenton County Escape Center, Terry “The Smiling” Jailer says those delicious baloney sandwiches are still on the menu for Mother’s Day at Chez Bastille. Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters says he’d be glad to sue your Mother, even though he’s not supposed to be practicing law in Kentucky any more. Uptight Bitches in Fort Mitchell are hoping for a real orgasm on Mother’s Day. Michael Liquid Plummer and his designated driver Nathan “Cornbread” Smith say they can drink your mother under the table. Clueless Marc Wilson says he’ll be taking his Mother to the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Golden Corral. On Flashlight Theatre, they’ll be showing that sci-fi thriller “Mothers from Outer Space.” Across the street from the Peace Bell in Newport, the manager of the Goodyear store says, “Give mom a lube job.” And Perry the Pervert says, “This year, forget the Whitman’s Sampler that’ll make her ass bigger. Get mom what she really wants– a 10 HP Craftsman penis stretcher for dad from Sears.” Perry explains, “It eventually works.”

Finally, Bluegrass Rifle Association spokesman Billy Bob Carbine says his mother needed protection, so he went out and bought his pistol-packing mama another Glock, along with a concealed carry permit.

Bonus Whistleblower Limerick Contest

Mother’s Day Madness
This week, everybody who’s glad his mother didn’t ditch him in a dumpster, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.

The winner is MF Goodson, who says his mother deserves a much better Mother’s Day than he’s able to afford without asking her for the money.

MF wins a “World’s Worst Son” coffee mug from K-mart, a Mother’s Day Card his wife made with crappy clip art downloaded from the internet, and a voice-mail message from the nursing home reminding him that he hasn’t called visited his own mother for the last six months. His winning entry is:

On Sunday, it’s your Mother’s Day.
To show her you’re grateful, just say,
Thanks for making me wear dresses,
And for brushing my tresses,
It’s no wonder I turned out to be gay.”

And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still not successfully completed his racial sensitivity correspondence course):
On Sunday, it’s your Mother’s Day.
You should buy her a lovely bouquet.
Don’t say come to our house,
She’ll make you feel like a louse
If you send her home when she wants to stay.

REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.

More Proud Sponsor and Avid Fans

Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our May fund-raising drive by the good groom gals at the European Wax Center at the Anderson Towne Center, offering FREE BIKINI WAXES for Moms of all ages for Mother’s Day.

MOTHER’S DAY GIFTS HOT LINE

e-mail your orders for our discreet plain-brown wrapper delivery today.

Mother’s Day Video of the Day

Dude, That’s my Mom

(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Bluegrass State Rep Addia Wuchner [40 Mutual Friends, including Blondie Whalen and Kevin Murphy and], who may be a mother and a grandmother this Mother’s Day, but she’s still pretty much of a babe. 

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here

 

“Primary Concerns” By James Jay Schifrin

        This week in Patronage County, Muck Raker, political columnist for the Patronage County Innuendo, was interviewing our three Corrupt Commissioners from Patronage County about the results of Ohio’s Republican Primary Elections on May 5.

“It’s still pretty much politics as usual,” said Commissioner Filch. “Nothing much has changed.”

“What about all that money the Ohio Republican Party spent on lying ads against TEA Party Patriots instead of using it to attack DemocRATS?” Racker asked.

“Obviously, ORP officials are happy they won so many contested races by lying about their candidates being champions of limited government. I’m sure they’ll use the same strategy in the future,” Commissioner Pilfer explained.

“Then how do you explain Tom Brinkman’s State Rep victory over Peter Stautberg?” Racker asked. “Maybe now his wife can finally register to vote as a Democrat.”

“Brinkman had those feisty women warriors in the Anderson TEA Party working for him. They’re the only local TEA Party organization in Ohio that realized “TEA” stands for “Taxed Enough Already,” said Commissioner Swindle. “Brinkman never would’ve won without them.”

“Then how do you explain the results of all those State Central Committee elections?” Raker asked. “Were all those people just wasting their time?”

“That’s what it looked like,” said Commissioner Filch. “What those disgruntled activists didn’t understand is exactly how few people really care about the Central Committee. There just aren’t enough of them to make a difference.”

“But I still don’t see what happened,” Raker said.

“For example, Crystal Faulkner spent big bucks mailing her propaganda to ALL the Republican voters. The Ohio Republican Party was involved with Robocalls and flushing at the polls. Faulkner did Robocalls with The Windbag, of all people, and poor Crista Criddle had no money to spend in spite of being painted as a getting-rich-off-the-government bureaucrat by Lady Faulkner. Burr Robinson lost, too. He and Christa did a lot of door-to-door and grassroots campaigning, but in the end 90-year-old geezer Stan Aronoff won handily on name recognition without doing a damn thing.  Does he even live around here? He spend most of his time in Palm Beach, with is matching white-patent-leather shoes and belt.” Commissioner Pilfer said.

“It all sounds so complicated,” the columnist said. “So how do the three of you explain how you always seem to survive primary elections so easily?”

“That’s easy,” they all laughed. “We always run unopposed.”

          This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.