Friday, May 8, 2015
Happy Lost Sock Memorial Day, Everybody!
Tomorrow’s the day to reorganize your drawer full of unmatched socks. Remember, each unmatched sock represents a missing sock. You never throw away your unmatched socks. After all, they all might show up someday.
And at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane to explain why we should all spend any time searching for our missing socks on Lost Sock Memorial Day. Beloved Whistleblower Publisher said after a (very) brief search, and in good “Memorial” spirit, everybody should spend a minute reflecting upon how warm and comforting the missing socks were on their smelly feet. Then, by all means, get on with your life. Tomorrow will also be a good opportunity to toss out all of your unmatched socks, unless you find the culprits red handed.
Hurley the Historian says on tomorrow’s date in 1960, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill–Enovid-10.
And Bobby Leach says that’s the last day he ever wore a rubber.
Does size really matter? You bet. Especially when you go to Walgreen’s to buy a condom and the clerk asks if you’d like to try it on before you leave the store.
Maybe that’s why Joan Rivers said, “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
Why, it’s none other than Sally Soccermom, who says “Every time I complain about something, my husband tells me to put a sock in it!”
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in promoting family values for Mother’s Day selected our Northern Kentucky TEA Party member taking time out from campaigning for Matt Beven before the 2014 Bluegrass Primary Elections on May 20 in only 11 more days to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items written by people from Northern Kentucky plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose Mo Rocca’s “Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously.”
Maybe Sally should’ve looked for her missing hosiery in the Bureau of Missing Socks.
“CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN” by Bishop Foys
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?!’
“DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE DEBT CEILING?” by Michael Liquid Plummer
* The President doesn’t understand THE DEBT CEILING
* DemocRATS don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Republicans don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Liberals don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING
* NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING
* SO – Allow me to explain…
Let’s say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do?
Raise the ceilings or pump out the sewage?
Your choice is coming in November 2014.
“THE HUSBAND STORE” by Miss Vicki
In Northern Kentucky,Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says a new store that sells husbands has opened in Florence, where a woman may go to choose a mate. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor…or may choose to go up to the next floor. But you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman went to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door read: “Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.” She was intrigued, but she continued to the second floor where the sign read: “Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.”
“That’s nice,” she thought, “but I want more.”
So she continued upward. The third floor sign read: “Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.” “Wow,” she thought, but she felt compelled to keep going. So she went to the fourth floor and the sign read: “Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.” “Mercy me!” she exclaimed, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she went to the fifth floor and the sign read: “Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.” She was really tempted to stay, but she went to the sixth floor where the sign read: “Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.”
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wives Store just across the street with the same rules. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited!
AND A QUICKIE By Elsie Case (Alison Wondergams Grimes’ Grandmother)
An old Woman was asked, “At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get: Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinsons – Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle
These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.
Stories We’re Working On
OBAMA Will Arm Gangs For Race War - BALTIMORE Just The Beginning
- MAN RAPED At Gunpoint By Three Women, So They Could Steal His Semen!
- GAY COUPLE BASHED With Chair At NYC Restaurant
- “SMILING DALLAS” JACKSON’S Million Dollar Buyout
- COMER CLAIMS Accuser Offered Money For Allegations
- VOTTO’S SUSPENSION: Hopefully Not As Long As Tom Brady’s
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, James Comer’s Paid Accuser Marilyn Thomas.
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said Republican Moms really want on Mother’s Day:
(A) To sleep as late as she wants: 2%
(B) A husband to wait on her hand-and-foot: 2%
(C) Brunch at the Golden Corral: 2%
(D) Grateful offspring: 94%
(Good Luck with that, Mom!)
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
Time Out for Hot Tamales
This week, everybody who is hoping to see another Cinci de Mayo riot, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Juan Carlos Gonzales de Lopez Ruiz, or as his fellow residents in Lower Price Hill call him, “Hey, Wetback.”
Juan wins an “I Tried to Start a Riot and All I Could Steal Was This Crappy T-Shirt” T-shirt, an off-the-books construction job from a local award-winning homebuilder, a night of pleasure at an Hispanic Whorehouse in Sharonville, nude photos of Sasha Rionda, and tips on how to evade the INS from the Illegal Aliens Association. His winning entry is:
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo:
Practice your Spanish by learning to sing “Day-O.”
So when the Mexicans arrive to cut all your grass,
And illegally claim welfare benefits en masse,
You can practice diversity while out the ass you pay-o.
And now for some dishonorable mentions
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo:
Buy a case of Cerveza and get really high-o.
Throw every bottle on the Kellogg Soccer Field.
When the polices arrive, make sure your dope is concealed,
And say, “Would you like to meet my seester? She’s right here on standby-o.”
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Pour yourself a shot of Tequila and Papay-o,
And truck on down to the Arizona border
With that Glock .45 you got from mail order
And to Julio and Jose say good-bye-o!
Senor Bob Castellini says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
To celebrate what should be our big day-o.
Go out with Conchita,
She knows how to treat ya,
And maybe you won’t have to pay-o.
“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Be glad you live here in Ohio
Unleash your beagles
And hunt down illegals,
And ship them back where they play jai-alai-o.
Loony Libertarian Jim Berns says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
With Moises, Jose, Jesus, and Alfredo:
Bring your ball to Schmidt field,
Keep those six-packs concealed,
And CRC won’t even make you pay-o!
Rick “The Batboy” Robinson says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo:
Drink till you puke, my oh, my oh!
If you did that in Juarez
Your pesos would go as far as
A hundred would last in Ohio.
Bobby Leach says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Pretend it’s Mexico, when it’s really Ohio.
Drink til you turn blue
And don’t catch the Swine Flu
And maybe catch a bit of fur pie-oh!
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still not successfully completed his racial sensitivity correspondence course):
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Take a scouting trip down to the bayou.
Draft some “hot Cajun chicks”
Who could teach the Secret Service some tricks
And then bring them back to Ohio.
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Drive down to the New Orleans bayou
If you stick around here,
All you’ll get is cheap beer
Cajuns are wilder than folks in Ohio.
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Protest Arizona’s new illegals law, oh-my-oh!
Despite minor setbacks
We need lots of new wetbacks
Good thing the border’s not on Ohio!
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Go down and see the oil spill on the Bayou
In Air Force One, the Messiah is flyin’
To visit the fish and shrimp that are dyin’
Just be glad you live in Ohio.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The best way to spend Armed Forces Day.”
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
LOST SOCK HOT LINE
e-mail your best guesses today.
Some missing footie items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally missing footie subscribers
WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY
Lost Socks – A film w/ a SURPRISE ending!
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Kenton County Republican Party Chairman Greg Shumate said. Greg Shumate [1,463 Friends, 53 Mutual, including Damon Thayer and Jay Fossett], who still thinks the 2016 Republican Convention should be held in Northern Kentucky. )
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
