MONDAY, MAY 4, 2015

Kiss My Chalupa!

Non-Hispanic Lower Price Hill residents who don’t yet “Habla Espanol” may not be familiar with tomorrow’s mucho grande “Cinco de Mayo Festival.” Tomorrow’s “Fifth of May Celebration” will give our maracas-shaking news media something else to hype and will commemorate just another Mexican battlefield victory over the French. That victory eventually led to today’s illegal Mexican immigration, the spread of Taco Bell restaurants all over America, and our most recent swine flu epidemic.

Remember what Vice President Joe Biden, God’s gift to late-night comedians, said about the danger of Swine Flu when he said that he would still tell his family to stay out of “confined places” like airplanes and subways in the United States, but the Obama administration never considered closing the United States to airplanes and buses from the epicenter of the epidemic in Mexico City, because that might make some Mexican feel bad.

Hurley the Historian says for Hispanics, Cinco de Mayo is a day of special music and parades, of little girls in flowing, frilly dresses, of beer and barbecue, or those homemade tamales with the little abueliteas only made by hand for special occasions.

Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of freedom. Back in the day, the French tried to conquer Mexico. On the Fifth of May (Cinco de Mayo) the much smaller Mexican army, with its bootleg uniforms and 99-cent store weapons, forced the much larger French Army to run away, which began a French tradition that continues to this day.

Today, Cinco de Mayo is still about freedom. Like freeing hot girls from their bikini tops.

The Illegal Immigrants Association says tomorrow’s the one day each year they can make the people they exploit feel really appreciated. Sources at the INS say they’re waiting to see how many illegal immigrants show up so they can deport them. But during this seventh year of Obama’s recession, the economy is still so bad, U.S. Border Guards have are watching for Americans trying to sneak into Mexico.

How are Kneepad Liberals in the Press covering the event? Maybe they’ll just ignore it, like in 2009 when Obama wished everybody a happy “Cinco de Quartro” at the White House. Obama was in Mexico this week, lamenting the flow of guns from the U.S., but without mentioning his administration was responsible. 

Newspapers are running special Mexican recipe sections. Until recent years, the politically correct press had ignored the illegal immigrant problem (and the people who exploit them) almost as long as they’d forgotten to mention Jungle Fever and homosexual priests.

Meanwhile, radio and TV sales departments (along with tabloid newspapers) are trying to sell even more advertising to Mexican bars and restaurants. As Trish the Dish so astutely observed last week, “This year Cinco de Mayo arrives on May 5.” Our weather guesser from Waco says, “If it rains, watch out for wet backs.” Former Cincinnatus Standard publisher Steve Fritsch is still mourning the fact that TV 12 salsa babe Sasha Rionda is no longer on the air, so he’ll still be watching reruns of her news show “en Espanol.” Judge $enora $tan Che$ley’s law clerk will be cleaning up “crappo de perro.” And one TV 19 cunning linguist says, “If the Cinco de Mayo Fiesta gets called off, will they have to hold the Mayo?”

We remember when Jay Severin, the fiery right-wing talk show host on Boston’s WTKK-FM radio station, was suspended indefinitely after calling Mexican immigrants “criminal aliens,” “primitives,” “leeches,” and exporters of “women with mustaches and VD,” among other incendiary comments.

“When we are the magnet for primitives around the world – and it’s not the primitives’ fault by the way, I’m not blaming them for being primitives – I’m merely observing they’re primitive,” he said.

He added that Mexicans are destroying schools and hospitals in the United States. He also criticized their hygiene.

“It’s millions of leeches from a primitive country come here to leech off you and, with it, they are ruining the schools, the hospitals, and a lot of life in America,” he said.

He added: “We should be, if anything, surprised that Mexico has not visited upon us poxes of more various and serious types already, considering the number of criminal aliens already here.”

No wonder WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham still thinks Severin is a God, and Willie has a suggestion for today’s “Whistleblower’s Word of the Day.”

And why aren’t the Greedy Weasels at Clear Channel intentionally egging-on ethnic activist groups again this year? Their infamous “Big Juan” billboards got lots of free publicity for the station’s manufactured controversy a few years ago.

Racial profiling is still a problem for Hispanics. It’s been really bad since September 11. Many people think just because Latinos have darker skins, they look a little like Arab terrorists. Actually, two Arabs meeting on Fountain Square last week were trying not to attract attention. One started to greet the other in their native language, but the other waved him away saying, “We’re in America now, Achmed. Speak Spanish.”

Former Cincinnati Girly Man Mayor Dainty DemocRAT Mark Mallory says he’s sorry the City will only be able to stage a drive-by riot in Clifton on Cinco de Mayo this year because featured entertainer, Rapper T.I. is still unavailable, but when we have as many lawbreaking Latinos as we have Blacks shooting each other along the proposed route of the Trolley Folly, Mallory promises a full-scale revolution.

And don’t forget our other Girly Man DemocRAT, David A. Pepperica who did such a great job running against Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWhine in 2014, the Dumbed Down DemocRATS gave him the entire state party to run into the ground. On Cinco de Mayo, he likes to dress up like the Crisco Kid.

In Mason, we remember when Tom Ullum’s legendary Pleasure Inn had a new sign in the window: “For Service, Show Us Your Green Card.”

Also in Butler County, Sheriff Jones along with those TEA Party Guys running against our Disgraced Speaker of the House will no-doubt still be calling John Boehner “Soft on Illegal Immigration,”

Conservative Critic Will duRANT IV says over-taxed payers should applaud Hispanic children who stay home to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. The Failed Cincinnati Public $chool Board gets a bad break this year, because Cinco de Mayo falls week day. Public schools’ funding is determined, in part, by average attendance. So, the more illegal children who stay home on Cinco de Mayo, the less the funding for the school district will be. Plus, it would give a more accurate view of what the illegal student population is of a school district so that over-taxed payers and voters can see how much money is being spent on illegal immigrants’ children. If there were an anti-tax organization out there actually doing its job, they should grab onto the attendance numbers whenever Cinco de Mayo falls on a school day as a way to highlight how much over-taxed payers are being gouged for illegal immigrants.

This year Mexican-owned businesses will be showing their patriotism by actually putting American flags in their windows. Toomorrow for Cincy-Cinco, Mexicans could stop by at the Soccer Fields on Kellogg Avenue to celebrate their freedom (if they’re not still under water), but let’s hope they won’t be pissing on the trees, not with all those signs saying “No orine en los árboles, por favor!” Down at the soccer fields on Kellogg, the City still hasn’t put up signs in Spanish that say “Bebidas alcohólicas prohibidas,” so there’ll be plenty of empty beer bottles throughout every weekend.

Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose say Cinco de Mayo is not yet celebrated as part of an official national three-day holiday weekend, but it probably will be, and well before our Hispanic population hits 51%.

And always remember to pay your taxes, gringos! Millions of illegal aliens are depending on you!

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo, The Los Angeles Times announced new guidelines for covering immigration. The goal is to “provide relevance and context and to avoid labels.” That means stories will no longer refer to all those future DemocRAT voters as “illegal immigrants” or “undocumented immigrants,” but instead will describe a person’s circumstances, whatever the hell that means.

Down at the Hamilton County RINO Party Headquarters, on Cinco de Mayo, Senor Alex’s face is “Azul.”

In Anderson Township, Trustee “In Russ We Trust?” Jackson says, “Even if our population (excluding all that Section 8 housing) is only 95.9% Caucasian, you can still find 437 Mexican restaurants that have not yet closed during the Obama recession, and every one of them will give you Montezuma’s Revenge.”

The Forrest Gump School Board still threatens to change the Anderson Redskins’ team name to Aztecs if voters don’t approve their next Tax Hike. It hasn’t been that long ago since dumbed down voters approved a 28% tax hike so everybody in Anderson would have to piss away another $500-per-year in jacked-up property taxes and those over-paid administrators could keep their over-paid jobs. No wonder Former WLW Hate Radio Guy Darryl Parks used to tell his listeners “Anybody who votes for a school levy is stupid.”

And Liberal Loonies like Greater Andersonians Promoting Peace say everybody should all feel just as guilty about Mexicans as we do about homosexuals, Blacks, and other minorities.

In Clermont County, Defeated, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt has hired a translator so she can tell lies in Spanish as easily as she does in Turkish. Speaking as the Official Voice of the Conservative Agenda, The Blower still says Mean Jean is a no-good lying bitch in any language.

We remember when “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman had fun whacking that Mean Jean Piñata at our Cinco de Mayo celebration.

Returning home from the Senate this weekend for a same-sex marriage rally, Rob “Fighting for Frijoles” Portman, who lives in Terrace Park (98.2% Caucasian), says it’s only the second most lily white community in Hamilton County. The really white section of Terrace Park where Portman lives is actually 99.9% White-ass. Portman’s outraged neighbors say it would be 100%, but several years ago on one of his junkets to Latin America with Bill Clinton, the Robmeister brought back his live-in maid Consuelo. Unfortunately, Consuelo still has another 17 years to work for free just to repay the Portmans for her air fare.

Ohio Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup is still promoting Free Fishing Days in Ohio on Cinco de Mayo. Unlicensed anglers may pick up their Free Fishing Licenses at his District Office, conveniently located at 7954 Beechmont Avenue in Anderson Township.

Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Senor Bob Castellini is upset Obama didn’t invite him to the White House on Cinco de Mayo to be honored for exploiting all those peons at his salad factory. Bitch McConnell says soft-money contributions to his Senate campaign can still be made in pesos.

The CamBoozler wonders how those candidates running for office in the May 20 Bluegrass Primary Elections will be celebrating Cinco de Mayo today. Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis like to dress up like gay caballeros now that Covington has a law saying Hispanic Homos can’t be discriminated against, as former Covington City Commissioners Steve “I’m 5’0″ not 4’10’” Megerle and Jerry Bamburglar, along with a failed commission candidate, Craig Johnson found out a few years ago. 

On Cinco de Mayo, Phyllis on Madison will give you a Hispanic hand job. Today also we remember our dearly departed friend Hayes “The Hit Man” Robertson, who moved to Florida to be closer to Latina Lesbians, where he could die a happy man. Somebody e-mailed our good friend Bobby Leach a picture of what appeared to be a “taco,” but our porn checker at Citizens for Community Values says, “It really wasn’t.”

Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith will celebrate by doing shots of Tequila at the Fort Mitchell Country Club. Jeni Lee Dinkel will be handing out candy to teenage boys who come to her door on “Cinco de Chicos.” At Cov Cath, the “M” in MILF still stands for “mamacitas.” Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders says even if none of the current Bungals is on house arrest, they should all still stay north of the border on Cinco de Mayo. And Feckless Fishwrappers are still “periodistas perezosos” (lazy reporters) in any language.

Miss Vicki wanted to know how you say “Mint Julep” for Saturday’s Kentucky Derby in Spanish. Blackjack Brian Richmond says the only way he was able to pass the bar exam several years ago was with an on-line course from Tijuana U. Gex “Rhymes with Sex” Williams wants everybody to know that his name also rhymes with “Mex.” And Don Pablo’s says they plan to stock up on extra burritos, in case Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Carlos Foster Kane and Clueless Lobbyist Marc Wilson stop by for lunch today.

Eric “Call Me Crazy,” Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Won’t They Let Me Practice Law Again, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Deters will be checking to see if any Spanish words like “suspensión” appear in today’s Blower.

Horny in Hebron wonders where you can buy Spanish Fly in Boondoggle County. And Cincinnati Gay Party Clowncilman Chris Squealback wonders if there’ll be another Dirty Sanchez Moustache Contest at Newport on the Levee.

Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen has invited us to watch the Florence Freedom on Margaritas Night, and even if Cinco de Mayo isn’t officially celebrated in Covington like St. Patrick’s Day, guys at Mainstrasse Village Pub say, “Senoritas can still come in and get drunk and show us their magnifico maracas.”

Finally, all of this is why our Quote for Today Committee picked Billy Connolly’s “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

Remember: this is Greater Cincinnati’s Official 2015 Cinco de Mayo E-dition. Any other publication claiming to be this year’s Cinco de Mayo Edition is surely a fake.

Now from the archives of award-winning illustrator Artis Conception we invite you to our Cinci de Mayo celebration.

REMEMBER WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY, GRINGOS: Si usted no puede mejorar las noticias, usted debe ni lo informa. (If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.)

HISPANIC DISCRIMINATION HOT LINE

e-mail your salsa snitches today 

Some bi-lingual items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally bi-lingual subscribers

Cinco de Mayo Videos of the Day

Startled by Cinco de Mayo!

PLUS

Cinco de Mayo Test

Play “Border Patrol”

How to talk dirty in Spanish

Sent in by the Frito Bandito, who wonders why The Blower doesn’t have any Hispanic Faux Facebook Amigos. 

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here