Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Happy Earth Day, Everybody

Today will be another great day for our Left-Wing Lunatics and Obama Supporters in the Press— because that’s when they’ll all get to whine, complain, and continue to blame George Bush, Senator Ted Cruz, TEA Party Patriots, Donald Trump, the Whistleblower-Newswire, and the rest of those mean-spirited Republicans for everything on Earth, while at the same time, not coming up with solutions for any of the problems (real or imaginary) they profess to perceive.

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose this profound pronouncement from John Davis, editor of the “Earth First! Journal: “Human beings, as a species, have no more value than slugs.”

On the other hand, our good friend Bobby Leach likes the Kentucky Coal Miners Association’s new slogan for Earth Day: “Earth first, we’ll strip mine the rest of the planets later.”

Hurley the Historian says Earth Day was invented by Deranged DemocRAT US Senator Gaylord Nelson from Washington and was held on April 22, 1970 as something the unwashed draft dodgers in college could do with their time when they weren’t busy protest the Vietnam War. 

According to The Grinning Planet (Saving the Planet One Joke at a Time), on Earth Day when Obama’s gasoline prices hit $4-per-gallon, the typical member of Congress praised high-mileage hybrids on the Senate Floor, then went out and bought a new gas-guzzling SUV off the showroom floor, and charged all the gas on their Congressional Credit Cards. The typical backyard gardener might shake her head in disgust at the report about industrial waste and toxic chemicals; then nod her head in pride at the sight of their pesticide-sprayed flowers and fertilized lawns while the typical insect will get sleepy from a eating big meal of chemical-laced genetically engineered corn and daydream of holding the top slot in the world insect government when they finally take over.

What’s the difference between a good recycler and a not-so-good-recycler? A Good Recycler not only recycles his newspapers, but also his phone books, magazines, and cardboard boxes, while a not-so-good-recycler considerately leaves his newspapers in the bathroom stall at work after he’s done for the next guy to read. Doesn’t that count?

And do you remember when Defeated, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt got her picture taken standing next her brand new environmentally friendly Ethanol-hybrid Chevy Tahoe at the same time everybody was wondering why that big Ford transmission plant in her district was shutting down?

That year our “Bitch-in-a-Ditch” solved the energy crisis single-handed in Ohio’s Second Congressional District. Now look at the car she bought this year for Earth Day.

On the other hand, we have the late “George Carlin’s Solution to Save Gasoline”:

Obama wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million fewer people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved!

We were going to show you that video from The Daily Show’s Back in Black segment from Earth Day 2007 (featuring none other than Lewis Black!), but unfortunately that video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Viacom International Inc.  

Speaking of All Things Environmental, the Department of Homeland Security plans to arrest right-wing extremists for using up all the mud on Earth Day.  Thank God, the tree hugging environmental wacko Al “Idiot-in-Chief” Gore never became President.

The entire Tri-state will be “green” today, except of course, Hamilton County, which turned “Blue” in 2008, just as The Blower predicted two years before that in 2006.

Will The Blower be covering today’s Liberal Lunacy? You bet! As the official voice of the Conservative Agenda and the publication of record for all the political scrambling, speculation, mud-slinging, and back-stabbing in Southwest Ohio, our readers know to expect nothing less.

Because what Earth Day celebration would be complete without remembering some good old-fashioned GOP Mudslinging? We remember last year when RINOs in Columbus were recycling donors’ money meant to defeat DemocRATS into $tate Rep-tile for $ale Peter $tautberg’s re-elction campaign, just because Real Republicans and TEA Party Patriots were trying to replace “the Best State Rep-Tile Money Can Buy” with a proven anti-taxer like “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman.

In Anderson Township, Whacky Jackie’s Illegitimate Son Kevin’s name is still mud, even though our Disgraced Former Township Trustee still calls up Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil’s deputies to ask if they need him for a penis line-up. Meanwhile, Trustee “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says the Township really wishes it could charge a recycling fee on all that horse manure after Belterra reopened River Downs race track last May.

And now that Greedy Hearse-Chasing, Disgraced-DemocRAT Clinton-loving, Fen-Phen Scandal Plagued, Trial Attorney $tan Che$ley has been disbarred/retired and Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters might as well be, maybe we can all save a little mud this week. 

And last week, Reds Manager Bryan Price set a National League record for the number of times a manager used the word “fuck” during an expletive laden rant during a deserving member of the news media.

Last weekend in Cincinnati, Liberals celebrated at just another Earth Day fund-raiser at Sawyer Point, and The Blower’s wondering how much over-taxed payers’ money was needed to clean up.  At least it didn’t look as bad as Saturday’s Earth Day in DC, where it looked like just another Liberal Trash Day Celebration.

Did Earth Day 2015 actually accomplish anything? Surely, you jest. Since 1970, Earth Day has changed from counter-cultural protest to a cute grade-school celebration. It hasn’t yet reached the hyperbolic hysteria of “Global Warming,” but it’s getting there.

And Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen has some bad news for our Fear-mongering Liberals: the latest poll says 74% never discuss “Global Warming.”

Other than giving TV weather guessers something else to hype, Earth Day is to solving our environmental problems as Kwanzaa is to Christmas— a totally made-up Liberal holiday to make some silly environ-mental people and the revolutionaries from Greenpeace feel better about themselves.

Instead, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane told Political Insiders at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda that we should reclaim Earth Day from those socialist enviro-nuts and remind them that the Industrial Revolution would be the foundation for the strongest economy in the world!

This Earth Day, our good friends at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) remind us while each of us is thinking about Nature and the Environment, let’s all remember to host a potluck Vegan dinner for all our friends also keep your scaly, finned, furry, and feathered friends free from harm while we spread our Earth Day love on Facebook and Twitter.

And our Good Friend Bobby Leach says, “Earth Day would be a good day to take a tramp in the woods.” That’s funny. Bobby says that every day. 

This is the Official Whistleblower Earth Day E-dition. Any other so-called Official Earth Day Day E-ditions you might see are surely fake!

 More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans

Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our April fund-raising drive by Rumpke’s Dump, promising double your trash back if you’re not completely satisfied, along with their Secret Senior Citizen Discounts.

EARTH DAY HOTLINE

e-mail your noxious emissions today.

Some Green Weenie items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Green Weenie subscribers. 

Earth Day Video of the Day

George Carlin: Earth Day

 (Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Mary Anne Christie [333 Friends, 71 Mutual], who knew Benjamin Franklin intimately when he took her to the after party following the signing on the Declaration of Independence].

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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