Friday, April 17, 2015
Hillary’s Complete Campaign Clusterfuck
Yesterday, Hawkeye Bureau Chief Jan Mickelson told us Hillary Benghazi Clinton’s trip to Iowa really turned out to be the complete campaign clusterfuck The Blower had predicted, with reporters outnumbering supporters at every stop. That’s why all this week Jan couldn’t wait to leave the state, and has been broadcasting his Top Rated “Mickelson in the Morning” show on WHO News Talk Radio in Des Moines live from the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR) event in Washington, DC.
Joke Writers say it’s been the best campaign launch ever! Hillary’s campaign manager upstaged her orchestrated announcement on Twitter with an email, Hillary’s site went down for an hour, and a supposed typo in her announcement said Hillary “Fought Families and Children All Her Career.” Hillary’s new campaign logo quickly became fodder for more Social Media Mockery. Anti-Hillary Posters have already been seen across NYC and Las Vegas. Saturday Night Live really nailed it when they got an early jump on the news cycle with a cold open that boiled down Hillary’s expected announcement that she was running for president to the cold fact that for the Clintons, American democracy is a game played for the benefit of the Clintons. [WATCH IT HERE] Hillary’s presidential campaign was supposed to be about “Everyday Americans,” so driving to Iowa for her first campaign swing Monday, with two aides and Secret Service agents aboard, when Hillary’s “Mystery Machine” stopped at a Chipotle restaurant in Maumee, Ohio, a suburb of Toledo, Whistleblower Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says, “Nobody recognized her.” A Clinton Campaign Hack now claims Hillary’s ridiculous “Scooby Van” and the entire “Road Trip” Plan was all Hillary’s Stupid Idea. Best of all, Hillary’s only had two major flip flops (same sex marriage and illegal immigration) during the first four days of her campaign.
So Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
Why, it’s none other than former Hewlett Packard CEO and wannabe GOP 2016 presidential candidate Carly Fiorina, who has been ahead of the curve in exposing Hillary Clinton’s numerous vulnerabilities, and mainstream media reporters are starting to notice. What has distinguished Carly from her potential competitors so far is not just her private-sector experience or her pro-market policies, but also her increasingly pointed attacks on Hillary. At this year’s inaugural Iowa Freedom Summit, Carly blasted Hillary for her lack of accomplishments. “Like Hillary, I too, have traveled hundreds of thousands of miles around the globe, but unlike her, I have actually accomplished something,” she said. “Mrs. Clinton, flying is an activity, not an accomplishment.”
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting Hillary bashers, is pleased select Carly Fiorina to be this week’s guest editrix and choose three items plus a few Hillary Jokes for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose Carly’s “Hillary Clinton told us to trust her. Nothing in her track record suggests we should do so.”
“DAD, ABOUT YOUR WILL” by A Chagrined Conservative
A Garrulous Geezer was telling his swimming buddy we’ll call Bob Williams in the men’s locker room of the Lyons YMCA in Anderson who had just been oogling pretty lifeguards Casey and Alexis, “You won’t believe what happened last night…My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ “
“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”
“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that, she actually said…’Dad, meet my new boyfriend -Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign.
“GHOSTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE,” by Monica Lewinsky
When Hillary Clinton is sworn in as President in 2017 and will be spending her first night alone in the White House, she will finally be free from Bill and will have been waiting for a lifetime for this.
On the first night: Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary asks, “How can I best serve my country?”
Washington says, “Never tell a lie.” “Ouch!” says Hillary, “I don’t know about that.”
On the second night: the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears, and Hillary asks, “How can I best serve my country?” Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.” “Ohhh! I really, really don’t want to do that,” Hillary replies.
On the Third night: the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears and Hillary again asks, “How can I best serve my country?” Lincoln says, “Go to the theater.”
“A MONUMENT FOR HILLARY” by $tan Che$ley
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest DemocRAT of them all. He left, not knowing where he was going and when he got there he didn’t know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on somebody else’s money.
Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Committee
AND A COUPLE OF HILLARY JOKES (We’ve got a million of them)
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: CHELSEA
Q: What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Today’s Stupid “Liberal Liar” Award Goes To…
Would you believe—Hillary Benghazi Clinton, who was trying to sound more like “Everyday People” on her Complete Clusterfuck Campaign Trip to Iowa when she lied, claiming, “All my grandparents were immigrants.” The really “Stupid” part of Hillary’s latest lie was that those kind of facts were so easy to fact check.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
Stories We Were Working
-
Hillary’s Complete Clusterfuck Campaign Off to a Bad Start - Clinton Foundation Will Still Take Money from Foreign Governments
- Hillary Invented Immigrant Grandparents
- Book Detailing Clinton Scandals Tops NYT List
- Hillary’s Van Parks in Handicap Spot
- Reds Say, “Wait Till Next Year!”
- Anderson Park Board says “Just Kidding About the Tax Levy!”
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said most politicians in Kentucky planned to spend Earth Day next Tuesday:
(A) Telling people how much they care about the environment: 2%
(B) Wearing something green: 1%
(C) Thanking Goof Doofus for retiring: 1%
(D) Slinging mud: 96%
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
Taxes: The Gift You Keep on Giving
This week, everybody who thinks Congressmen would quickly simplify the tax code if their elections were held on Tax Day, e-mailed his entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest. The winner is noted CPA Irving Foongman, the constipated public accountant from Florence who always gets so backed up this time of year, he has to work it out with a pencil. Irv’s entry was a little late, which was OK, since he attached an automatic extension form.
Irv wins a handy list of tax-cheating tips, a “THE+IRS Spells THEIRS” T-shirt, a stack of extension forms for clients who haven’t yet begun looking for their W-2s, and a big bottle of Jack Daniels for when he finally remembers he hasn’t done his own taxes. His winning limerick is:
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is that finally, I get a say
About where all the money
That I earned for my Honey
Is going to be spent today
The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day”
If you really do want to play
You can look for nice buns
And with your refunds
You will pay for a very nice lay
The Best Part About Tax Freedom Day:
It came before the year’s half-way.
But since Obama’s in hock to the Chinese
It’s our balls that will get the squeeze,
As our “full faith and credit” is in rapid decay.
Here’s a rejected e-filing from “In Russ We Trust” Jackson
The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day
Is that Uncle Sam releases your pay.
But don’t get too comfy with your dollars and cents
‘Cause Big Brother’s fiscal appetite is immense:
With more line items than stars in the Milky Way.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is it’s the last day that we have to pay,
For handouts and welfare,
And bridges to nowhere,
But under Clinton— it came in May.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day,
No more money this year pissed away,
Change the date for election,
April 15 is our selection,
And just maybe keep politicians at bay.
These are some disallowed deductions from Bobby Leach
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
You can now keep all of your pay!
Oh well, maybe not “all,”
The F-ing Auditor might call,
And take the rest of it away.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is you get to keep some of your pay.
But if a DemocRAT gets elected
It’ll be worse than expected
They’ll take ALL of your money away.
E Rob Sanders denies he sent this these tax avoidance tips
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
The Gov can’t take more money away
Or so you would hope,
But only a dope
Would believe they won’t find a way.
Every time you fill up your tank
Or earn interest on what’s in the bank
You’ll owe them more tax,
And that’s just the facts
Just send them a check that is blank.
Even Tax Freedom Day’s not the end
You’ll pay taxes every damned time you spend
But look at the bright side
We have Obama as our guide!
He’s got plenty of from his stash to lend.
Oh, thank God for the change he has brought
And all the lessons he has taught
But he wouldn’t give you a dime
Or even tell you the time
And as Samuel Morse would say, “What hath Obama wrought?”
But you know, taxes are part of our life
They needn’t cause us so much strife
Just quit your job and wait
You’ll get food stamps and Section 8
I wish we’d elected Barney Fife.
But enough about Barack for now
Bless his heart, he’s trying to show us how
Sadly, though, he’s a Commie,
With a Kenyan dad and Hawaiian mommy
Folks, you better keep an eye on the Dow.
Always remember we need to pay taxes
They helped us in the 40s to beat the Axis
But back then we were at war
Today, we’re governed by a whore
And people, you better keep watchin’ your backses.
I might suggest that BO stay in hidin’
If he is hurt, we will be stuck with Biden
I think I would rather
Be a hunter-gatherer
Than have to put up with those who are guidin’
But anyway, I admit I digress
Tax Freedom Day is the topic I guess,
I should lay off Obama
And maybe pick on the Dali Lama,
After this, I gotta go to the priest and confess.
In closing just let me say,
I’m sorry I got carried away
I will try not to cry
But I think I now know why
They took my poetic license away
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s had his taxes done for free at H&R Wenstrup’s office at 7954 Beechmont Avenue, directly across the street from Anderson Tea Party Headquarters):
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
They’ve already taken all your money away
If you gave the government every cent
And kept nothing, not even for rent
By April 18th, that’s all you need to pay.
But they don’t take it all at one time
They take it at three cents for every dime
It comes out the whole damned year
Taxing everything, even your beer
Hey, I thought stealing was a crime!
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“Do the rich really want to pay more?”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, Hillary Supporters
POLITICAL LIARS HOT LINE
E-mail your litany of lies today
Some untruthful items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally untruthful subscribers.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Ben Shapiro: Hillary Clinton Lies… A Lot
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Dave Hatter [4,999 Friends, 87 Mutual, including Ann Becker and John Middleton], who has still not recovered from Bob Dole’s loss to Bill Clinton in 1996.)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
