Saturday, April 11, 2015 

Getting Lucky in Kentucky

Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says today may be Tax Freedom Day in Kentucky, but it won’t arrive for the country as a whole until April 24. According to our friends at The Tax Foundation, today’s the day in CamBooLand each year you stop working exclusively for the government, because every dollar you’ve earned so far this year will have theoretically gone to pay all of your federal, state, and local taxes for 2015.

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Franklin P. Adams’ “Count the day won when, turning on its axis, this earth imposes no additional taxes.”  And many people remember when FDR said “Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.”

THE CAMBOOZLER says Tax Freedom Day comes to Kentucky nearly two weeks before “Tax Day” in America on April 24 (only the 114th day of the year) and almost a full week before April 17, when over-taxed payers on the North Shore can begin working for themselves, since everybody knows state and local taxes are lower in Kentucky. Maybe that explains why so many folks besides Bungals bad boys and over-sexed MILFs prefer living in Kentucky, the land of fast women and beautiful horses. Which is why Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane will never forget that time he had a three-hour lunch at the Wok with Miss Vicki and Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen.

To find out tax rates for different states,  you can check that out HERE.

YOUR FRIENDS AT THE IRS say most people don’t have to keep their tax records for more than three years, but if we suspect you’re a tax cheat, we’ll make you produce every document from the day you were born.

MOISES, JULIO, ALFREDO, AND JOSE say, “Please don’t forget to pay your taxes next Monday. 21 million illegal immigrants (Obama’s Undocumented Future DemocRAT Voters) are depending on you.)

ANGRY OVER-TAXED PAYERS say until we have a simple flat tax without all that paperwork, over-paid members of Congress should be forced to fill out every one of their constituents’ tax forms for free.

TURBO-TAXERS ON A RANT say there should be no withholding. No phony “refunds.” If folks had to write really big checks on TAX DAY, people would actually know how much they’re paying.

TAX-AND-SPENDERS RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION say it’s a good thing they don’t hold every election on TAX DAY.

OBAMA’S PAID LIARS AT THE WHITE HOUSE say since the next big fight will be about trillions instead of billions, please don’t ask about Obama’s proposed tax increases when he announces his plans never to balance the budget even during his third term.

RINO SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE JOHN BOEHNER says no matter what Obama pretends to offer, Republicans are opposed to new tax hikes, especially every time we cave in on “increasing tax revenue.” 

WHISTLEBLOWER POLLSTER RON RASMUSSEN says “Here’s some good news: Twenty-eight percent (29%) of Likely U.S. Voters think the country is heading in the right direction, so go ahead and send in your 1040s.

CINCINNATI BUNGALS say thanks for that $7.5 Million towards our $10 Million Scoreboard Renovation being installed this week, thanks to that obscure “State of the Art” Clause in the Worst Deal in History for the Hamilton County Over-Taxed Payers.

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVES say “For all the taxes they take out of our paychecks, the least they could do is send us a picture of the ghetto family we’re supporting.”

OUR GOOD FRIEND KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS says, “After working on my taxes all weekend, I now have 1040 more reasons to hate the government.”

GOOF DOOFUS remembers when all his staffers had to work until midnight at his H&R Doofus offices to help all his constituents get their taxes done.

NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH AND MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER wonder if the tax on booze deductible.

ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS wants to know if he’s allowed to deduct all those fines I had to pay for filing frivolous lawsuits.

STEVE “I’M 5’0, NOT 4’11” MERGELE wonders why elevator shoes aren’t deductible.

PHYLLIS ON MADISON says, “Every year on April 15, I help Will “The Thrill “Terwort work on his extension.”

CLUELESS MARC WILSON wonders if Beano qualifies as a “deductible prescription.”

GEX “RHYMES WITH SEX” WILLIAMS asks if inflatable sheep be considered an entertainment expense.

DILDO WORLD CEO PATTY BRISBEN tells her customers Batteries are Deductible!”

BLONDIE WHALEN says, “How about Clairol?”

VANILLA HILLS VIGILANTES wonder if Sticky Fingers ever declared his embezzlement income from the Civic Club.

UPTIGHT BITCHES IN FORT MITCHELL say, “You’ll never guess what we claimed as deductions.”

RICK “THE BATBOY” ROBINSON wonders if it was legal for him to deduct for all those lunches when I tried to bribe Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane to plug his book.

OUR FOUNDING FATHERS say, “By now you will have probably learned that taxation ‘with representation’ isn’t so hot either.

HORNY IN HEBRON says, “You still haven’t told us which one of our local TV morning news babes was absent late last year, after sources say she was suspended for getting hammered on Opening Day, requiring the news director to take her home, and then she called in sick the next morning?”

JOEY VOTTO says “It’s hard to believe how much taxes I pay on that $45,000 I get every time I come to the plate.”

TRISH THE DISH wants to know exactly when everybody’s taxes are due.

WCPO-TV HELICOPTER REPORTER DAN CARROLL (FORMERLY WITH TV 19) says, “Can you believe, I used to have to listen to that every day?”

 And if all of that isn’t Newsworthy enough, let’s get back to some serious business and watch David Letterman’s Top Ten Tax Tips

 Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Roger Ach.

         — Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

         Sometimes The Blower ridicules phony tax-fighters to show that pretending to fight taxes to make money is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who asking for donations every time they send out an e-mail.

          This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Citizens Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes.

 Bluegrass Tax Freedom Day Hot Line

e-mail your celebratory commentary today.

Some tax free items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally tax free subscribers, but we could always use a lot more.

Whistleblower Video of the Day

Three Great Reasons to Pay Your Taxes (or Else)!

(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend, nearly noted author Mark Faust [546 Friends, 46 Mutual Friends, including Bob McEwen and Cathy Brinkman], who has certainly come a long way since he used to cut Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s grass as a teenager.)

   Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here

Note: people who work in government offices should be receiving The Whistleblower on their home computers because we do not approve of public servants wasting time reading this trash on over-taxed payers’ time (except when you have something to snitch).

 

 

“Losers Legacies” By James Jay Schifrin

         Imagine the humiliation of the folks back home if someone you thought had made it really big on the national stage was finally forced to resign in disgrace? That was number one on the agenda yesterday when the Commissioners in Patronage County broke the Sunshine Law at an illegal secret executive session.

        “Can you believe Obama’s Failed Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius was actually born in Cincinnati in 1948? She looks way older than that,” said Commissioner Pilfer. “Do you think Tim Burka in Hamilton County will be giving her a ticker tape parade the next time she comes to town?”

        “Her father John Gilligan was once Governor of Ohio,” said Commissioner Filch. “John Kasich didn’t order flags to be flown at half staff, did he?” 

        “Obama says she’ll go down in history,” added Commissioner Swindle, “probably as the worst in history, just like the rest of his administration.”

        “Sebelius has been an embarrassment for the past five years,” explained Commissioner Filch. “Maybe she just ran out of lies.”

        “Perhaps she resigned to help incumbents in the 2014 elections who face blistering attacks after supporting ObamaCare. You know, the ones who said they voted for it so they could find out what’s in it?” added Commissioner Pilfer.

        “At least there’s one good thing about resigning in disgrace,” concluded Commissioner Swindle, “You can’t be fired, and now Kathleen won’t have that free Cadillac plan government health care insurance, so she can apply for ObamaCare as soon as it’s available next January, and hope she doesn’t get sick in the meantime.” 

          This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.