Friday, April 10, 2015
Your Tax Return Is Due Next Wednesday
Yesterday The Blower reported about how all those over-taxed payers who really hate paying taxes will no doubt be car-pooling just to attend that big Cincinnati TEA Party Tax Day Rally on Wednesday, April 15, at the Sharonville Convention Center. Ohio’s primary election is really vital for Conservatives on May 5, because there are so many important races on the ballot.
For weeks, all those so called “Conservative Organizations” (including the Hamilton County RINO Party) have been e-mailing suckers on their contact lists, and if all those people actually showed up, Paul Brown Stadium and Mediocre American Ball Park wouldn’t be big enough to hold them all. What you’ll likely see in Sharonville won’t really be a “Tax Day Rally” but a “Tax Day Fund-Raiser,” so maybe you shouldn’t try to deduct the $15 admission fee on your Income Taxes.
So Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
Why, it’s none other than Patriotic Brewer Samuel Adams, whose Sons of Liberty organization carried out the original Boston Tea Party. Guys from all walks of colonial society (including artisans, craftsmen, business owners, tradesmen, apprentices, and common laborers) organized to defend their rights and to protest and undermine British rule. Hurley the Historian says some of the famous folks included John Adams, John Hancock, James Otis, Josiah Quincy, Paul Revere, and Dr. Joseph Warren.
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting rabble-rousing anti-taxers who actually accomplish something to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose Samuel Adams’ “We cannot make events. Our business is wisely to improve them.”
“HOW ECONOMIC STIMULUS REALLY WORKS” by John Maynard Tadwell
Sometime this year, we overtaxed payers hope to receive another “Economic Stimulus” payment (aka Tax Refund). This is indeed a very exciting program, and we’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an “Economic Stimulus” payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to overtaxed payers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From overtaxed payers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
“STOP TRASHING OBAMA” by Colonel Robert F. Cunningham and Patrick Rishor
We wish people would quit trashing all of Obama’s accomplishments. He’s has done more than any other President before him. Here is a list of his most impressive accomplishments:
First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.
First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.
First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.
First President to violate the War Powers Act.
First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.
First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.
First President to spend a trillion dollars on “shovel-ready” jobs when there was no such thing as “shovel-ready” jobs.
First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.
First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.
First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.
First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.
First President to tell a CEO of a major corporation (Chrysler) to resign.
First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.
First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer and to say that America is no longer a Christian nation.
First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.
First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.
First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.
First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which state it is allowed to locate a factory.
First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).
First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.
First President to actively try to bankrupt an American industry (coal).
First President to fire an inspector general of AmeriCorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.
First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.
First President to surround himself with radical left wing anarchists.
First President to golf more than 150 separate times in his five years in office.
First President to hide his birth, medical, educational and travel records.
First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.
First President to go on multiple “global apology tours” and concurrent “insult our friends” tours.
First President to go on over 17 lavish vacations, in addition to date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends paid for by the over-taxed payers.
First President to have personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.
First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at over-taxed payers’ expense.
First President to fly in a personal trainer from Chicago at least once a week at over-taxed payers’ expense.
First President to repeat the Holy Quran and tell us the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth.
First President to side with a foreign nation over one of the American 50 states (Mexico vs Arizona).
First President to tell the military men and women that they should pay for their own private insurance because they “volunteered to go to war and knew the consequences.”
Then he was the First President to tell the members of the military that THEY were UNPATRIOTIC for balking at the last suggestion. (Thank God, he didn’t get away with THIS one.)
How is this hope and change’ working out for you?
It’s hard to comprehend all this guy has gotten away with. Any other president would have been impeached!!!!
What in God’s name is wrong with our government that they allow this guy carte blanc. It absolutely boggles the mind.
“Can’t Handle the Truth” by Colonel Nathan R. Jessep
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – fireman, mechanic, businessman, car salesman… and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside. “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” the boy said, “He works for the DemocRAT National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”
AND A QUICKIE By Scott Scofflaw
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. They are questioning how many dependents I claimed when I responded to the question: “List all dependents?”
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.” Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I keep asking myself, “Who the hell did I miss?”
These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.
More Tax Day E-Cards
Today’s Stupid “Liberal Liar” Award Goes To…
A pair of Liberal DemocRATS whom Newsmax reports are pushing back against a bill that would allow Congress to weigh in on a disastrous deal with Iran over its nuclear capabilities, agreeing with Obama that the legislation would jeopardize the diplomatic process. “Diplomacy has taken us to a framework agreement founded on vigilance and enforcement, and these negotiations must be allowed to proceed unencumbered,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi in a statement on Wednesday. Pelosi’s statement appeared to be coordinated with an announcement minutes later by a fellow California DemocRAT, Senator Barbara Boxer, who urged members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to postpone a vote next week on a bill proposed by Republican Tennessee Senator Bob Corker and Obama nemesis, DemocRAT New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
Stories We Were Working
Russians Hack the White House
Will Obama Pardon Convicted Boston Muslim Murderer?
Gay Bashing Pizza Parlor Reopens in Indiana $842,592 Richer
Rand Paul Attacks Liberal News Media
Portman Trails Strickland in the Polls
Strickland Trails Sittenfeld in Early Fundraising
Drug Czar Visits Northern Kentucky
Whistleblower Taxed-to-the-Max Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said will be the most creative deduction on their tax forms:
(A) Mortgage interest on foreclosed houses: 2%
(B) Cable bills as “media research”: 1%
(C) Claiming your dog as a dependent, because he’s just like one of the family: 1%
(D) Viagra: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
It’s Going to Be a Really Long Season
This week, everybody who remembers when really important people threw out the first pitch on the Reds’ Opening Day instead of a sissy mayor, a county commissioner in a wheelchair, a Jive recording artist, or a former Reds TV broadcaster, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is long-time Cincinnati Reds fan Farley Fairweather, who remembers when baseball players cared about the game, instead of just their fat paychecks. Farley won a year’s subscription to Pete Rose’s Betting Tips, an “I Spent $287 at the Reds’ Opening Day and All I Got Was This Crappy T-Shirt” T-Shirt, a ride in the Gay Opening Day Parade with the gay-loving politician of his choice, and a forged doctor’s excuse for missing work. His winning limerick was:
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
People are sure gonna pray
Or maybe they’ll dream
That with such a team
They won’t be in last place by May.
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day,
You really will have to pray
That with the cost of the seat
And the stuff that you eat
Won’t cost you more than a month’s pay
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day,
I plan to stay far away.
Until they receive
Some guys who believe
It isn’t the pay, it’s the play.
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day,
It’s a shame our old heroes can’t play.
Pete and Johnny were the best,
I miss Tony, Joe, and the rest,
All the good guys have got old and gray.
(Unlike in Kentucky, where they’re old, dark, and gay)
This year on Reds’ Opening Day,
$7-a-beer we will pay,
Of course we’ll receive,
Many players who underachieve,
And hoping they’re not out of it by May!
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
Will our dainty former Mayor once again play?
He’ll throw from the elbow like this (oof!)
And walk away, with a flounce of his pouf
But that still doesn’t mean that he’s gay.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
And from the Anderson Laureate (who now knows why his poetic license is being revoked and now has something to tell the padre at this week’s confession):
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
Can we keep our dainty former mayor away?
I promise you I’ll bitch
If he throws out the first pitch,
I don’t like to watch men throw like they’re gay.
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
Our former dainty mayor didn’t play.
It made our toes curl
To watch him throw like a girl,
So he wisely stayed out of sight and away.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, Pete Rose.
TURBO-TAXED PAYERS HOT LINE
E-mail your tax cheating tips today
Some non-deductible items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally non-deductible subscribers.
Whistleblower Over-Taxed Payers Video of the Day
Liberal Taxes Explained
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Charlie Norman [1,963 Friends, 142 Mutual including Andrew S. Pappas and Amy Murray], who claims he’s honored to be appointed by the Hamilton County Commissioners to serve on the County’s Elderly Services Program Advisory Council.)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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