SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 2015
Today It’s the Top Ten Signs You Hired the Wrong Easter Bunny
10. Costume made from rabbits run over on I-75
9. Scares the bejesus out of all the little kids
8. Before kids get candy they must have a dental exam
7. Parents must first sign waver on juvenile obesity
6. Two words: “Rabbit Raisins”
5. Speaks only in Spanish
4. Easter eggs filled with Spam
3. He’s wearing a yarmulke
2. Tells you for an extra $4,300 he won’t rat you out to The Whistleblower
…And the number one sign you hired the wrong Easter Bunny is… Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory taught him how to hop.
Whistleblower 2015 Adult Easter Egg Hunt Contest
The Whistleblower Newswire is pleased to announce the winner of this year’s Adult Easter Egg Contest in Hamilton County.
Shown in this rare photo op with the deserving winner (our Disingenuous DemocRAT Double-Dipping Hamilton County Auditor who has always been permitted to run unopposed by the RINOs at 700 Walnut Street and has also received medals from attorneys making a killing handing his Board of Revision cases) is Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane.
Official 2015 White House Easter Photo
After the IRS disallowed their fully documented $487,000 bad debt expense deduction because MoveOn.Org failed to reimburse them for all that money spent on Obama’s Coronation Party at the Camargo County Club, MoveOn.Org was still willing to sell (C.O.D., of course) to Compulsive Obama Supporters Tom and Rose this exclusive White House Easter Photo for only $29.95 plus $79.95 for shipping and handling.
This is the Official 2015 White House Easter Card. Any other cards you may see claiming to be the Official 2015 White House Easter Card are surely fake.
And don’t you hate when politicians exploit religious holidays like Easter?
The Joys of Easter
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says the word “Easter” comes from the Latin “estrus,” meaning “heat.” That’s why Bluegrass bunnies go crazy this time of year.
Our Late Night TV Jokewatcher says Thursday night Jummy Kimmel said, “Easter is on Sunday. Americans buy an estimated $120 million pounds of candy for Easter every year. I hope Jesus comes back as a dentist.”
The CamBoozler says it wouldn’t be sacrilegious for Turfway Park to be open on Easter, because it’s always post time somewhere, and you can catch racing action coast-to-coast and border-to-border in the RaceBook, so folks in Northern Kentucky can do what most Christians have been doing on Easter weekend for thousands of year— casting lots on the cloak of Jesus. This year all those $2 bettors hoped they don’t have to wait three days to collect their winnings.
Signs outside NoKY churches for Easter Sunday: “Church Members Only, Trespassers Will Be Baptized,” “Try Our Sundays, They’re Better Than Dairy Queen’s,” and “If You Don’t Like the Way You Were Born, Try Being Born Again.”
But the sign we liked best was the one we spotted in the parking lot. The sign said “This Is Pastor’s Spot. You Park, You Preach.”
Now here’s our favorite Easter sonnet from Gex “Rhymes With Sex” Williams:
Said father rabbit to mother rabbit: “Sex is just a habit!” Said mother rabbit to father rabbit: “Shoot the habit to me, rabbit!”
In Ohio, sensual sonneteer Steve Chabothead likes to use the word “Chabot” instead of “rabbit.”
Children’s Sermon: A local pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, there can be unexpected results.
When a little boy raised his hand, the pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”
It took more than ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
BREAKING NEWS: Here’s why Easter has been cancelled this year.
Today we also have a special Easter poem entitled “Waiting for the Easter Bunny,” by our old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Rhymes for Our Times.”
See the Easter Bunny,
Hiding eggs all filled with goo.
If I can ever catch his ass,
I’ll make some rabbit stew.
Today is Easter, or as former New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow said at his rock concert Sermon on the Hill in Texas, “Savior Sunday.” Easter always brings us stories of redemption, and at today’s brunch at the Golden Corral, no doubt many will be sharing a copy of this spiritually uplifting letter from The Blower files from years gone by:
A well-known Northern Kentucky philanthropist was doing his Easter shopping at Y’All Ville Mall when he saw a shabbily dressed boy of about eight, crying. The tyke was short and thin. He had no coat, just a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the chill. Oddly, the boy was holding a brand-new crisp $100 bill in his hand.
Thinking he’d gotten lost from his parents, the man asked what was wrong. The lad said he’d been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job as a lap dancer. He was to use the money to buy presents for his four younger brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus back to the homeless shelter. He said his mother made very little to support her large family, and his father was in prison.
His mother had managed to skimp and save $200 to buy the children Easter presents since she hadn’t gotten them anything at Christmas.
But he had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
“Did you scream for help?” the man asked.
“I did,” The boy whimpered.
“And nobody came to help you?” the man said.
Dejectedly, the boy stared down at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
“How loud did you scream?” the man asked.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me, Sir! Please help me!”
Then the man realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy’s cry for help.
So Michael Liquid Plummer grabbed the boy’s other $100 bill and ran to his car.
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
EASTER REDEMPTION HOT LINE
e-mail your sins and transgressions today.
Some truly blasphemous items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally truly blasphemous subscribers.
Sacrilegious Whistleblower Videos of the Day
The Easter Bunny Hates You
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Mike Sadouskas [153 Friends, 12 Mutual Friends], still a recovering Bunny-Basher)
PLUS
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
