Monday, April 6, 2014

Not Yet an Official Holiday

Opening Day isn’t an official holiday on this year’s calendar, but maybe in Cincinnati it should be, because with all that hype, Monday will probably be one of the most unproductive local work days of the year. Not only that, COAST is probably still collecting signatures to persuade the City to make Opening Day an official holiday. With enough signatures a referendum could be put on the ballot this November.

Hurley the Historian says he remembers when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. Now like everything else, MLB’s Opening Day could be imported from China. So much for “America’s Pastime,” baseball fans!

It wasn’t so long ago the Reds were even able to get some really dignified important people to throw out the first pitch (Bush 41, Bush 43, and even Vice President Dick Cheney). Eight years ago, the best Señor Bob Castellini could get was Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark “Throws Like a Girl” Mallory to become the laughingstock of the entire nation.  

This year, Nasty Boys (Norm Charlton, Rob Dibble and Randy Myers) will throw out simultaneous first pitches prior to the Reds vs Pittsburg Pirates Opening Day game at 4:10 p.m. at Mediocre American Ball Park, thus sparing everyone in Cincinnati the utter embarrassment of watching the new mayor, Diminutive DemocRAT John Cranley attempt to duplicate Mallory’s illustrious record. 

Seven years ago, instead of honoring Joe Nuxhall with the first pitch, Devious DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune tried to bounce the ball up there.

Six years ago, Jive Records recording artist Nick Lachey threw out the ceremonial first pitch.

Five years ago, retired Reds TV Broadcaster George Grande had the honor.

Four years ago, newly retired Cincinnati Police Chief Tom Streicher answered the call from the bullpen.

Three years ago, Senile Sheriff Si Leis had the honor.  

Two years ago, Joe Torre, manager of Team USA in the 2013 World Baseball Classic, threw out the ceremonial first pitch, and everybody was wondering what kind of reception Rob “Fighting for Fungos” Portman would’ve gotten, especially after his recent coming out in favor of gay baseball players during Spring Training.

Last year, Cincinnati Reds “Captains” Davy Concepción and Barry Larkin three out simultaneous first pitches.

Meanwhile at the Conservative Agenda, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane is still talking about that time in 1980 when Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench.” That was before “Hype” became just another four-letter word.

And does anybody remember when Obama wearing mom’s jeans bounced one up to the plate at the 2009 All Star Game? It caused a media and internet frenzy when Obama Supporters in the Press insisted it was a strike. At least we won’t have that crap to contend with in Cincinnati on Monday.

For generations, baseball’s first pitch was on a Monday and in Cincinnati, where the Reds were given that honor for being the sport’s first professional team. Even when ESPN insisted on a marquee Sunday night game to open the season, that was just one game. But the 2014 Major League Baseball season got started in Australia on Saturday, March 22, when the Los Angeles Dodgers and Arizona Diamondbacks began a two-game series Down Under at 7 p.m. local time (3 a.m. ET). Without an international opener in 2015, the Major League Baseball season will get started in a more traditional fashion with ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball on Sunday, April 5. The Cardinals and the Cubs were chosen to kick things off on ESPN2. All of the 28 remaining teams will open the season on April 6. So much for our wonderful Cincinnati tradition!

Senior Scorekeeper Tino Delgato remembers when the Reds used to be the first game of a new baseball season. The Reds should reclaimed this honor by starting their first game on Sunday afternoon. Several other benefits could be derived from this change. Parking would be plentiful and no one would have to take off work or school. The Findlay Market Parade could be attended by many more people and school kids. Downtown restaurants and bars (not including Liz Rogers’ Failed Mahogany’s at the Banks) would pick up an extra day of revenue. Plus most years it seems to be better weather the day before Opening Day. Go Figure!!!

The Blower remembers when Baseball used to be a game, and it wasn’t just about the money. You’d think Johnny Cueto and some of those Reds Rastafarians could afford freaking haircuts this year and some of those other scruffy-looking guys could afford to buy new razor blades. Where do these overpaid athletes think they’re playing anyway — in the NFL?

That’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Chico Esquela’s “Baseball been berry, berry good to me.”

Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says, “Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, because you sure as hell won’t be able to afford $6.50 for a hot dog, $9 for nachos, and $7.50 for beer. Who’s doing the cooking this year— Jeff Ruby?”

Fishwrap Food Critics Polly Campbell, and Shauna Steigerwald say at Mediocre American Ball Park this year, you’ll still be able to get authentic Belgian waffles served with strawberries and cream at the Taste of Belgium. New in the concession line-up is the Fry Box, which will serve hand-cut fries topped with a Buffalo-chicken mix, pulled pork, or pot roast, or with either ranch or truffle salt. It will be opposite Mr. Red’s Smokehouse. Ole Smoky Moonshine will take over the Party Barn, an event space for groups adjacent to Mr. Red’s Smokehouse. Even if you’re not part of a private party there, you’ll be able to buy the Tennessee distillery’s three moonshine cocktails at concession stands throughout the ballpark. There’s Mr. Redlegs Punch — and because it’s made with 80 proof Hunch Punch Moonshine, it does, indeed, pack a punch — and the lighter, fruity Ballpark Berry Lemonade and Apple Pie Slammer. The Smokehouse will still have its delicious, monstrous turkey leg, prime rib and pulled pork. As they’ve done for a few years, they’ll offer specials themed to the visiting team. There’s smoked stuffed cardinal (actually quail) when St. Louis is in town, and it’s a very fun thing to chew the bones of a little, delicious bronzed, smoked quail while watching a game. When Pittsburgh’s in town, it will be a Primanti-style sandwich, and smoked soft-shell crab when the Nationals are here from D.C. (That one’s not for everyone, but a great surprise if you’re a soft-shell fan.) Meanwhile, Whistleblower Freebie Gourmet Martin UpChuck says you won’t believe this delicious-looking “Hot Dog with Fritos and Baked Beans” would set you back.

And the Downtown Clown-cil says, “Don’t forget the cost and hassle of parking.” This year, it ought to be worse than ever, thanks in no small part to construction on Cincinnati’s Stupid Streetcar, which the Streetcar Six on Cincinnati City Clown-sale assures us will cure all the economic ills of the entire Tri-State, once it’s built.

The 96th Annual Findlay Market Parade would be a lot shorter if all those politicians and wannabes weren’t permitted, especially after our Nine Fine Diversity Doofuses on Cincinnati City Clown-cil unsuccessfully argued that Rob “Fighting for Fairies” Portman should be the Grand Marshal, even though the Portman Gay Family Values Float does get to bring up the rear. 

All those DemocRAT, Republican, and Charterite candidates running for office on November 3 in only 211 more days will be there. At least That Defeated, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt probably won’t be there this year. Let’s hope all those other freeloader politicians remember to register and pay their fees this year. And have you ever heard of any politician paying for an Opening Day “ticket,” any more than they’d be willing to accept the same health care program you have to pay for? That would be a first!  But Opening Day is still a great day for a political fund-raiser. How cheesy is that?

And how about those special Opening Day sections in The Fishwrap? Maybe Skaggie Maggie’s Replacement Rick Green just needs to sell a few more ads. Furloughed and Fired Fishwrappers understand Gannett’s stockholders could really use the money.

And every year when a guy like Judge Mark Painter tells you how many Opening Days he’s been to, just think of all the work he’s missed over the years. Bobby Leach says a guy calls in sick for Opening Day. His boss asks “How sick are you?” The guy says, “I’m home having sex with my sister. Is that sick enough?”

Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather is always optimistic every year before Opening Day and this year is no exception. However, just in time to enjoy the 2015 baseball season, we found this more realistic prophesy in Bunky Tadwell’s “American Pastimes,” sold in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.

Opening Day is on the way
And baseball soon will start.
The Reds will show us promise
And then will break our heart.

Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Opening Day for the Florence Freedom on May 14 at Erpenbeck Stadium is already sold out. Yeah, but who’s going to throw out the first pitch? It probably won’t be Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters with the opportunity to fail at something else. And it won’t be $tan Che$ley, since the KBA (Kentucky Baseball Association” banned him like Pete Rose. Maybe one of the unemployed Bungals could try out, since everybody’s being offered tryouts with the Freedom this year. We’d still like to see “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have the first pitch honors. We wonder if Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson would be in the stands, dreaming about all those batters his old boss used to plunk. 

And all the restaurants and bars in Northern Kentucky will be celebrating today’s Opening Day in Cincinnati too. There’s not that many places near the stadium to go after the game, unless you count the snack bar at The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center, and the food at the not-so-new-and-exciting Horseshoe Casino isn’t worth the long walk, since the Trolley Folly won’t take you anywhere near there, even if that boondoggle is ever built.

Once again, Marty Brennaman will be broadcasting the Reds on Radio on Opening Day, and over at Channel 19, Trish the Dish will once again be asking if the Reds have already been mathematically eliminated.

24 years ago in The Original Whistleblower, Charles Foster Kane’s Real Editorial Really Written by the Publisher was “Abner, Forgive Us.” How timely was that?

And at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were reminiscing with about The Blower’s coverage of Mallory on the Mound, which we published on April 4, 2007:

 It’s really a bitch to be right all the time, but from the moment we heard that Dainty DemoCRAT Cincinnati Mayor Mark “Throws Like a Girl” Mallory had been “chosen” to throw out the first pitch on Opening Day, The Whistleblower told you he was going to “blow it.” Maybe we put so much pressure on our sissy mayor, he just couldn’t perform. Mallory is shown throwing a hissy fit over his wild pitch in Jeff Swinger’s photo in the Fishwrap.

It was the worst first pitch in Opening Day history. Whistleblower Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says not only does our Girly Man Mayor throw like a girl, but his ceremonial first pitch was so wild, even Reds Hall of Famer Eric Davis couldn’t come close to getting a glove on it. The ball bounced pathetically towards the Reds’ dugout and didn’t come anywhere close to home plate. The girly Mayor looked as though he wanted to take another shot, but the Reds staff quickly ushered him off the field before he could embarrass himself any further.

Long-time Cincinnati Reds fan Farley Fairweather remembers when really important people threw out the first pitch on the Reds’ Opening Day, instead of a sissy mayor who should’ve tried to underhand the ball in the general directions of home plate. Farley remembers when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. But those days are gone forever.

Mallory’s pitch seen ‘round the world got big laughs on ESPN. What’s next— Letterman, Leno, and Saturday Night Live? You can see it now on YouTube.

Our Mellow Mt. Carmellian says after Monday’s sorry-ass first-pitch performance at Mediocre American Ball Park, Mr. Mayor will never forget the answer to the question, “Hey, Mr. Mayor, how’s it hangin’?” Answer: a little low and to the left. Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis were really embarrassed. You don’t have to be straight to throw straight, and pitchers on the Lesbian Avengers softball team always get the ball over the plate.

Now The Blower has to apologize to women everywhere. No girl would ever throw a ball like that. The Reds pitching coach said maybe Mallory’s wrist was too limp. The last real man in the Mayor’s office was Roxanne Qualls.

And you thought that “giant swishing sound” only came from the batter’s box? Johnny Bench says maybe Mallory wasn’t used to holding one only ball in his hand. We understand Mallory got a congratulatory phone call from Gayvenor Strickland after the game.

Señor Bob called the sports quack Monday night to whine that it wasn’t fair to rip on the mayor, since it was his birthday. He said he really tried to throw the ball! It wasn’t his fault the ball rolled into the Reds’ dugout. Señor Bob now joins Kneepad Liberals in the Press lowering the bar and making excuses for a Liberal Loser’s lack of performance.

Just imagine if George Bush had made the same throw. You’d have seen that video 1,000 times by now. And if any other Conservative Republican had embarrassed the City throwing out the first pitch, Skaggie Maggie wouldn’t have buried KimBall Perry’s hit piece (“Mallory a little too far to the left”) on page D-5. But KimBall forgot to report how much over-taxed payers’ money Mallory and three assistants wasted warming up all that time under the stands, and at UC where he was practicing for endless hours in secret.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
But there is no joy in the ‘Natti, Mayor Mallory got punked out.

 And in Northern Kentucky, Y’all Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen says there won’t be any gay darkies throwing out the first pitch on the Freedom’s Opening Day, whenever in hell that is.

Meanwhile on Opening Day, were all the Great Americans who showed up for jury duty at the Hamilton County Courthouse sent home at 11 AM because all the courthouse hacks were going to the ballgame? On Tuesday, one-and-a-half hours after the arrival time for the jury pool a tall brother showed up wearing hip hop clothes with an extra t-shirt slung over his shoulder. He was higher than a kite when he asked, “Is dis da place fur jury?” He was escorted out and never seen again. So much for a jury of your peers! Ken “Mad Dawg” Lawson [now in jail] says, “That’s why Semper Si wants a bigger jail.”

          Sometimes The Blower ridicules people who embarrass themselves on the athletic field to show that a lack of manliness is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who throws like a girl.

          This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Dainty DemocRATS.

Remember: this is Greater Cincinnati’s Official 2015 Opening Day E-dition.
Any other publication claiming to be this year’s Official Opening Day Edition is surely a fake.

OPENING DAY HYPE HOTLINE

e-mail your ordinary views and opinions today.

Whistleblower Video of the Day

Obama at the Bat

  (Sent in by Opening Day Faux Facebook Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders [3,1570 Friends, 65 Mutual Friends], who just might be at the game today to see if his daughter’s picture is still on the scoreboard.

 

 

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