Friday, May 1, 2015
Not Necessarily the News
Today, there may only be four more days until those all important 2015 Primary Elections in Ohio, but in Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says the Ohio Republican Party doesn’t have to spend gazillions of dollars coming up with lies to attack Conservatives and TEA Party members because nobody’s running for anything important. The Hamilton County Board of Elections says all Hamilton County Voters wanting to see if they have anything to vote for next Tuesday should check HERE. And everybody else was waiting to see how many Looters and Shooters showed up at Thursday night’s protest at the Hamilton County Court House, after organizers sent out invitations Tuesday announcing the event to stand in solidarity with all those thugs setting Baltimore ablaze during Obama’s latest #BlackLivesDon’tMeanCrap Riots.
Elsewhere, not a single elected official had told the truth yesterday on National Honesty Day, the Supreme Court had not yet ruled in favor of Sodomy Rites Marriages which would affect less than 1% of the Adult Population, and in Anderson Township, Wednesday’s edition of the Forest Hills Urinal didn’t have the latest non-news about the Forrest Gump School Board’s “appropriate inaction” regarding that so-called investigation into Scandal-plagued Superintendent “Smiling Dallas” Jackson’s activities after they finally emerged from executive hiding and attempted to cover their asses for hiring “Smiling Dallas” in the first place.
Now you see why The Blower’s motto is “Some of the News They Seem to Lose”
So Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
Why, it’s none other than Hereditary Patronage County Party Boss Peter Principal, who was forced to lay off his entire Early Voting Staff at his Board of Elections because there was no reason for people to vote on anything important throughout every Middlesex, village, and farm county, and ‘hood in Ohio.
Meanwhile in Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief reports Ken CamBoo there’s “no early voting” on the 2015 Bluegrass Primary Races on May 19. They only have “Absentee Voting.” To get an Absentee Ballot, voters have to write or go to the County Clerk’s Office and apply for one. And Applicants must actually state a valid reason, under oath, why they can’t vote on Election Day like everyone else. It’s not like Ohio where anybody can “vote early and often” just because people like Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka, Free-Stuff Dispensing Liberals, Rhyming Reverends, and Union Goons tell you to.
Which is why The Blower is honored to choose Hereditary Patronage County Party Boss Peter Principal to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors that you probably won’t see reported in your Morning Fishwrap.
“OBAMA AND THE LADY GENIE” by Jeanie Peter, Our Pistol Packing Sensuous Granny
While walking on a beach during one of his many vacations, Obama found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?” Obama responded, “Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything.”
The shocked genie said, “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.”
Obama thought a moment, then after grumbling about the impertinence of the woman said, “Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning – so just do it and be off with you.”
The annoyed genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared.
The next morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi in his bed.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
The Fence Test by Rusty Gates
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a Republican doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a DemocRAT doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a DemocRAT is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a DemocRAT is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a DemocRAT is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Republican doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A DemocRAT demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A DemocRAT non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a DemocRAT decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Republican reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A DemocRAT will delete it because he’s “offended.”
A Message From Her Majesty The Queen by Oliver Klozhoff
As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi–in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.
Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and needs with you.
How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by.
During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then when the time for the royal election comes I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after.
AND A QUICKIE By PFC Kadon
A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Mount Lookout.
He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.”
The priest says, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”
Semper Fi and God Bless America!
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
Stories We Were Working
POLICE Told To ‘Stand Down’ During Baltimore Riots- OBAMA “inflamed racial tensions”
- FREDDIE GRAY was “banging against walls” during ride
- AMERICANS Think Baltimore Rioters Are “Criminals”
- “THUG” is the new “N” Word
- THIS Is the “New Normal In Obama’s America
- POLICE Stockpiling Stink Bombs for Cincinnati Riots
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s why the first 17,648 Whistleblower Readers Poll respondents said you should never believe media polls:
(A) Rigged questions: 2%
(B) Paid-off pollsters: 1%
(C) Hand-picked respondents: 1%
(D) Liberal Media Bias: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
Re-Distributing the Wealth
This week, everybody who’s wondering if the Reds will get their money’s worth for all those big salaries this year, e-mailed his entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather, who says, “Wednesday afternoon Reds reliever Jumbo Diaz hit a batter with the bases loaded to walk in a run, then gave up a grand slam home run.”
Farley wins a ride in Aroldis Chapman’s sports car, a Tweet from Brandon Phillips, and a shoplifting spree with Mike Leake. His winning limerick is:
Here’s what happened to the Reds this year:
Bryan Price can’t find the magic, we fear.
Aside from Joey’s million-dollar at-bat$,
They play like they don’t give a rat’s.
These money-ballers spend too much time with the cashier.
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still working on his taxes):
Here’s what happened to the Reds this year,
They may have to raise the price of a beer
Brandon signed for 72 mil
Do we have that much in the till?
They better start getting their asses in gear.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, Freddie Gray, whose death all those Obama-inspired Looters and Shooters are using as an excuse to burn and steal.
#BlackLivesDon’tMeanCrap Riot Hot Line
Some Riot Bashing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Riot Bashing subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
Is This What We Can Expect At #BlackLivesDon’tMeanCrap Riot in Cincinnati?
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Sheriff Jim Neil [76 Mutual Friends, including Hamilton County Commissioner Me, Greg Hartmann and Charlie Luken, Former Cincinnati Mayor During the 2001 Cincinnati Riots]
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
