Monday, March 30, 2014

We’re Really Sorry 

Our attorneys and legal defense fund administrators told us we may have written some things lately which might have offended some people. In certain cases, they say, it was by a careless word or phrase. In other cases, our remarks could be construed as either knowingly false, libelous, or with malicious intent. Although there is no prevailing legal authority, the Whistleblower Legal Dream Team still advises that should we now recant, fully and completely, damages in any legal actions against us might be at least somewhat mitigated.  

So Here It Is— Our Apology

WE REALLY MEAN IT. We’re really humble. No lie. We apologize profusely. No kidding. We really went too far. This is sincere. No fooling around now. When we’re wrong, we’re wrong. We’re not joking. There’s no punishment in Hell cruel and unusual enough for what we’ve done.

WE REALLY MEAN IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS. We owe everyone we’ve ever criticized an apology.

There has been no excuse to remind our readers almost daily about the damage all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, And Get All Of Their Information From Our Obama Supporters In The Press, just because they’re stupid enough to stand in line for hours outside the Board of Elections instead of slapping a 49-cent stamp (or however much postage the instructions tell you to put on the envelope) to mail in their absentee ballots. We were so vitriolic, everybody on the Whistleblower Staff should be forced to join “Vitriolics Anonymous.”

Other recent regrettable reports include our continuing lambasting of Defeated, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt, which was no way to treat an old lady, even though her legal bills were being paid by Turkish terrorists. Our mocking was merciless when we bludgeoned Ohio’s U.S. Senator Rob “Fighting for Fellatio” Portman for betraying his Republican Party Family Values Principles by coming out in favor of homosexual marriage; Ohio Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” WenSchmidt’s for Being cornball enough to ask people on his e-mail suckers list to donate $20.16 to help win 2016 today; Greedy Hearse-Chasing, Disgraced-DemocRAT, Clinton-loving, Fen-Phen Scandal Plagued, Trial Attorney $tan Che$ley who is now finally disbarred everywhere in the universe except in his own mind; Loser Loony Libertarian Cincinnati Mayoral Candidate Jim Berns for his chaotic campaigning; Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP for wandering in the wilderness for longer than Moses led the Israelites; and the Forest Hills Urinal for not insisting on a Penis Line-up for Disgraced Former Masturbating Anderson Township Trustee Kevin “Big Spanky” O’Brien, Anderson Trustees Josh Gerth and TEA Party Guy Andy Pappas for selling them out to the Forrest Gump School Tax Scammers while trying to save them some spare change by closing down the Anderson Community Cable TV Station; covering up the endless inadequacies of defeated $tate Rep-tile for $ale Peter $tautberg; and the indefensible stealth tax hike campaign at the Forrest Gump School District. Meanwhile, accusing “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman of actually running a tolerable political campaign to replace $tautberg was being overly critical. 

OURS IS TRULY A SCURRILOUS PUBLICATION. It’s not enough for us to say “mistakes were made.” Often we were cowardly. Every issue may even have been libelous. (But never poorly written.)

SOMETIMES WE’VE BEEN REALLY TASTELESS, like the picture of our Disingenuous DemocRAT Hamilton County Auditor with egg on his face, or that vile-and-disgusting nude porn shot of that former Ben-Gal we’ve been “sexting” while driving to all our BFFs on their cell phones. We hope we can make you believe us.

OUR PAIN IS SO UNBEARABLE. We’re filled with such utter remorse; words will never convey the depths of our anguish.

Kneepad Liberals in the Press like the Idiotorial Board at the Feckless Fishwrap, as well as all those Left-Wing Bloggers whacking off in their moms’ basements, were right.

Ours is truly a “venomous rag!” We never should’ve called TV9’s Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin a news trollop, or else she might still be working there today.

Others we’ve helped send to the unemployment lines during our decades of destruction include WLW Hate Radio Roustabout Gary Burbank and Convicted Groundhog Murderer John Phillips, Darryl Parks, now reduced to a Media and Culture Blogger), along with half the Fishwrappers (including Huggable Howard Wilkinson) and the entire staff and management of The ComPost. Oh, the humanity! No wonder we have trouble sleeping at night.

WE’VE BEEN SO INSENSITIVE. Every homosexual must really hate us. Even our Alternative Life-Style Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis, too!

Publishing that illustration of Disgraced Former Conservative Chris Finney in bed with local former NAALCD (National Association for the Advancement of Liberal Colored DemocRATS) President SMLP Smithermouth was homophobic, at the very least, because over the years, more than a few people say even some of Artis Conception’s award-winning illustrations have been callous cartoonery. At least Artis didn’t include Cincinnati Clowncilgay Chris Squealback in a three way. 

Continuing to call attention to Cincinnati’s former Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory and the Mayor’s big, beefy Black bodyguard (and Cincinnati Police Officer) Scotty Johnson was probably not politically correct. Helping Dainty become the laughingstock of the entire nation was just piling on when he threw out the First Pitch at the Reds’ Opening Day eight long years ago year. We should’ve been dragged kicking and screaming to sensitivity training along with the Ghost of Large Marge and WLW Hate Radio trash talker Bill “The Draft Dodger” Cunningham.

WE’VE BEEN RACIST. We should never have made all those “two free slurs” jokes. How niggardly of us. When “JayWalking Joe” Deters told us all those Obama jokes during our many lunches, we should’ve gotten up and left the table and not accepted his hospitality, but the hot-and-sour soup at China Gourmet was too good to pass up.

Continuing to expose Cincinnati’s useless former police chief James Craig who still votes in and has a California driver’s license, but no Ohio police officers’ certification, and asking when Mayor Mallory and his Kentucky butt boy Dough Boy Honey would start over-paying inept white people to waste the over-taxed payers’ resources instead of all those brothers and sisters, was only Affirmative Action in Reverse. Continuing to call attention to current useless chief Jeffrey Blackwell’s ridiculous hoops program this week after only the 14th area shooting in six days was almost as unkindly as implying FOP president, Kathy Harrell was anything less than honest and trustworthy.

And criticizing Cincinnati Girly Mayor Mark Mallory’s Deadbeat Cousin Liz Rogers’ for not paying her debts while glomming on to a million dollar grant from the over-taxed payers to open at sure-to-fail Soul Food Bistro at the Banks may have even caused some people to doubt the competence and intentions of the Soul Food Six on that year’s Extremely Liberal City Clown-cil, which included Wendell Young, Charlie Winburn, rich heiress boy Alexander Paul George Sitt ‘n Spin, Yvette Simpson, Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin’, and Cecil Thomas.) Questioning the appearance when new Black City Manager Harry Black took it upon himself to forgive $200,000 of Black Deadbeat Liz Roger’s debt seemed uncharitable, except to the City’s overtaxed payers.

Reporting that Cincinnati Vice Mayor David Mann was pleased as punch to be Grand Marshal at the Backstabbers Day Parade on March 15, where he led Clowncilman Flynn Flam and the rest of the Streetcar Six along the route of the Trolley Folly should’ve earned us out own Backstabber Award.

But why would you expect our Kneepad Liberals in the Press to report any of this? Our Feckless Fishwrappers have always been too busy trying to assist race-baiting civil rights activists like Race Baiters Al Sharpton and Stevecia Race create maximum outrage in urban communities to ensure more angry black people show up on Election Day to vote for Obama and the Dishonest DemocRATS. Mocking the way The Fishwrap has tried to canonize Defrocked DemocRAT Juvenile Court Judge Traci Hunter and Voting Rights Heroine Melowese Richardson During Black Women Victims’ History Month was sexist in the extreme. 

WE’VE BEEN MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS: Reminding our readers about that time in 1996 when Whistleblower Gossip Columnist Linda Libel reported that one of our local TV videographers was embedded in one of our local newsbimbos during a romantic overseas getaway, was un-chivalrous indeed. It was almost as bad as all those times we called Maggie “Skaggie,” Lizzy “Ghizzy,” or Vicky “Icky.”

WE’VE BEEN UNSPORTSMANLIKE: Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says on Opening Day next week, we’re still not over that time a couple of years ago when we accused Señor Bob Castellini of gouging each member of the Reds’ underpaid cleaning crew a $6 mandatory transportation fee to get to work. Including Poor Little Mikey Brown, a portly pantload from Indian Hill, as one of our Seediest Kids of All, was only adding insult to injury.

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says we won’t have to apologize if we remember that on this today’s date in 1992, “JayWalking Joe” Deters was first appointed prosecutor, and we’re still waiting for him to call one of those murdering bastard rapists he prosecutes “scum.”  Happy 23rd Anniversary, JayWalker!  Two people Our Good Friend Joe might be calling “Scum” today are Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka, for accusing him of illegal voting, and Feckless Fishwrapper KimBall Perry for smearing the prosecutor by mentioning his divorce in the newspaper one more time just because he could.

WE MEAN IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS. We owe everyone we’ve ever criticized an apology. Repeatedly reminding Real Republicans how RINOs didn’t learn their lessons after the resounding rejection they received from the voters in November 2006, accurately pointing out that not a single GOP candidate or so-called Conservative and anti-taxer organization has yet to do anything to correct its past mistakes, and predicting that Hamilton County, as well as the Buckeye State and the entire nation would be turning “Blue” in 2008, was indeed repetitious and excessive. It will always be one of our most painful prophecies.

Implying that a so-called anti-tax organization was suing the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools just to make money for its avaricious attorneys turned out to be only too true. 

THIS IS THE HARDEST E-DITION WE’VE EVER HAD TO WRITE. You’d better believe it. When will we ever learn? All our jokes about making BB&BJ Day a National Holiday were just wishful thinking, especially every time former Pants-dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton came to town for a sleazy fund-raiser for Hillary at $tan Che$ley’s mansion in Indian Hill. Reminding people how Judge Mr$. $tan Che$ley continues to flout the law every time she takes her mangy mutts to the Federal courthouse so they can crap all over the floor while she’s making all her biased Liberal rulings was only another harmful result of our obsession to point out all things obvious.

Also, pointing out how the Bluegrass Bar Association recommended $tan be permanently disbarred in Kentucky and forced to return $7.6 million of the $20 million he took in excess fees was just piling on.

And gloating every time one of our predictions came true was sophomoric, and as the Official Voice of the Conservative Agenda, our subscribers should’ve been able to expect a great deal more from us.

IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo has a lot to apologize for, too. Making fun of the homeless has never been politically correct. Telling Miss Vicki she should write a “tell-all” book was just stirring up scandal. Revealing the fact that uptight bitches in Fort Thomas were faking their orgasms was disillusioning to their horny humping hubbies.

Calling attention to Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen’s roots was ungentlemanly. Implying “BeanBall Jim” Bunning had grown feeble in his old age was really insensitive to elderly Americans. Mocking the titanic tragedy of Jeff Ruby’s Waterfront Restaurant was heartless. And that Obesity Boy poster of Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich was just one more “fat joke.”

Comparing convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff to clueless Marc Wilson came about as close to libel as we’ve ever come. We sure hope Jack doesn’t carry a grudge. We never should have called Vanilla Hills Mayor Mike Martin a “miscreant” because he’s just too friggin’ stupid to know what it means. Reminding Rednecks that the words to “My Old Kentucky Home” actually contain a reference to “gay darkies” was pure, unadulterated hate speech

Not agreeing with Cincinnati Ragazine that Eric ‘Call Me Crazy,’ Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Deters, was the greatest lawyer in tri-state history even after virginal Ben-Gal Sarah Jones and her mother were indicted during “Crazy Eric’s” 61-day suspension by the Bluegrass Bar Association, was reason enough to bring charges of journalistic misconduct against us before the Society for Un-Professional Journalists, which was correct not to consider The Blower for its annual meaningless “Best Defense of the First Amendment Award” in this year’s writing contests. At least we didn’t exactly ask if Crazy Eric had given Miss Jones a promise ring.

At the same time, continuing to remind people about Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders’ humiliating defeat long ago when Linda Smith (the lady lawyer, not the Boondoggle County Commonwealth Attorney) used the classic “Tripping Muff Diver Defense” in his first big case as an assistant prosecutor, was a smear against muff divers everywhere. Asking why Rick “The Batboy” Robinson is no longer making Jews feel welcome at the Graydon Head Christmas Party was not meant to be anti-Semetic. Ken CamBoo now admits that wondering aloud how much KY jelly Bill Erpenbeck was using in prison made us a real pain in the ass. We now feel our own pain!

WE HOPE OUR READERS WILL SOMEHOW FORGIVE US for so often saying during the past 25 years, “How else could you explain why voters, 95% of whom learned all they knew by watching lying illegal ads and daily distortions on TV newscasts, twice chose to send to the White House, a draft-dodging, dope-smoking, wife-cheating, race-baiting, peace protesting perjurer who’d surely drag the nation down to the moral equivalent of Arkansas or the Jerry Springer Show? Maybe that’s why all you draft-dodgers, dope-smokers, wife-cheaters, race-baiters, and peace protesting perjurers now have a culture you truly deserve.”

CONSTANTLY COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS until the upcoming elections (The May 5 Ohio Primary Election in only 36 more days, the May 20 Bluegrass Primary Elections in only 50 more days, this year’s November Elections in only 218 more days, the 2016 Elections when America can only begin to undo the damage of Obama’s Eight Egregious Years in office in 589 more days, and a mere 662 more unproductive days left during America’s Dark Ages during Obama’s Second Term unless the First Black President in History is impeached, is just like Chinese water torture.

WHEN OUR PATRONAGE COUNTY COLUMNS WERE REVIVED, totally crediting Dennis Nichols, former publisher of the feisty Mt. Washington Press, with teaching us how to torture our victims in print, was only meant to repay an old debt.

BOYCOTTING THAT MEANINGLESS AWARDS CEREMONY when that 1% for Liberty organization wanted to give us that cheesy certificate and medallion, made us look ungrateful for the honor.

REMINDING ALL OUR LOCAL TEA PARTY GROUPS that nobody would ever take them seriously until they spelled “TEA” with all capital letters seemed pedantic, just because back in 1993 and 1994 The Blower helped come up with the “Taxed Enough Already” theme for the TEA Bag Lady in Delhi when her “Taxes Enough Already, Incorporated” was actually first formed. 

REMINDING PERSONS OF CONSEQUENCE on our exclusive e-mail list that our Feckless Fishwrappers are too lazy, too stupid, or too dishonest ever to report the truth was just nasty name-calling at best, although it was easily verifiable.

CHOOSING WOMEN’S HERSTORY MONTH to honor all those adulterous “Sluts in the Suburbs” from Warren County’s Hamilton Township appearing in A&E’s TV reality show made it look like we were willingly doing the bidding of Citizens for Community Morals President Phil Burr-Ass, just because “swingers are the third riskiest HIV group” behind gay men and drug users.

 COMPLAINING THAT THE GENIUSES WHO RUN CINCINNATI BELL have outsourced their technical support department to the Philippines seems xenophobic, just because for the past two weeks they claim they have not been able to figure out why Persons of Consequence on the Exclusive Whistleblower E-mail List who unfortunately happen to be Fuse.Net and Zoomtown.com customers have not been receiving their daily media advisories from The Blower because Fuse.net and Zoomtown.com continue to mislabeled all communications from The Blower as “spam.”

ALLOWING ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WE DON’T REALLY KNOW to become “Friends” on The Whistleblower’s Faux Facebook Page was not mocking the true spirit of the Facebook Society we live in.

OUR BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER MOTTO IS JUST PLAIN WRONG, because holding the little guy down on the internet is cyber-bullying at its worst.

 Excess in the pursuit of commentary is no virtue. It’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We swear it on a stack of Bibles. Right before your very eyes.

In spite of all the evidence, how could we have ever not accepted Obama as our Savior and Messiah?

WE’RE SO ASHAMED.

          No wonder The Blower has been banned at so many places.

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose “An apology is a good way to have the last word.”

THEREFORE, since Wednesday is the First Day of April 2014, we promise we’ll never, ever do it again. Trust us.

 

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Our Good Friend Bobby Leach.

 Now for everyone else we’ve offended, please fill out your own copy of our formal apology in case you run out of toilet paper.

WHISTLEBLOWER APOLOGY HOT LINE
e-mail your absolute absolutions today.

Some really sorry items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really sorry subscribers, but we could always use a lot more. 

Whistleblower Women’s History Month Video

STEVE MARTIN (Not our Wild and Crazy Judge) – “Well, Excuse Me!”

(Sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Cincinnati Clown-cil Babe Amy Murray [3,786 Friends, 154 Mutual], not a member of either the Stupid Streetcar Six or the Soul Food Six.)

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here