Monday, March 23, 2015
Life’s a Beach!
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA: This year for Spring Break after Punxsutawney Phil totally blew his 2015 Early Spring Forecast everybody had been counting on, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane is personally working on a list of guys who took their wives and families to the Redneck Riviera, Naples, Destin, or Key Largo, just so they could spend all day on the beach ogling young girls’ breasts. You’ll never guess whose names are already on that list.
Especially after all those horny old guys watching Sunday night’s A&E “Sluts in the Suburbs” reality TV show starring your neighbors in Warren County’s Hamilton Township who “swap partners and engage in extramarital relationships as they go about their regular lives as parents, professionals, soccer moms and little league coaches.”
Kane asked an aging attorney acquaintance still searching for his lost youth and vigor on the beach why he always goes down to Naples on Spring Break, and he told us, “Because I can.”
Again this year the Reds’ Spring Training games won’t be a distraction, like they always used to be in Sarasota. But Tri-staters down here this week on Siesta Key can still keep up on what’s happening in Washington and the ‘Natti by checking out The Blower. And even with only 43 more days until the 2015 Ohio Primary Elections (57 more days in Kentucky), by using this internet thingy, Kane could take his laptop to the beach and all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, would never know the difference.
And with gas near $2.39-a-gallon at the Clark station, Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says, “Can you imagine driving 1,863 miles from Cincinnati to Goodyear, Arizona (wherever the hell that is) just to watch the Reds play the Oakland Athletics in a meaningless Cactus League Spring Training Game on Sunday? What a long ride home that would be, Reds fans!
And how big an idiot do you have to be to tell all your Facebook Friends when you’re out of town watching Spring Training Games? That sounds like a “Burglar Alert” to us. “Hello, We’re in Arizona…come rob our houses!”
All over Spring Break Land, political junkies are trying to ignore the latest hype from Obamaland, because nothing is going to change all that much by the time we return next week, or during those 668 more days of bad government remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless he’s impeached. Basketball fans afflicted with March Madness other than those from UC and Ohio State will be watching the games on their cell phones this week.
Whistleblower Alternate Life-styles Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis say one of the comedians was even telling a Mark Mallory joke. Even in Florida, they’re still talking about that year Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark “Throws Like a Sissy” Mallory’s threw the worst Opening Day pitch in baseball history.
Last night at the Happy Homo Gay Bar in Destin, gay guys were wearing flashing Rob “Fighting for Fisting” Portman T-Shirts to celebrate the second anniversary of Ohio’s supposedly “Common Sense Conservative” Junior U.S. Senator’s changing his long-held position against same-sex marriages, just because his son was gay.
On April 6, Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather hopes banned-for-life Pete Rose will have been allowed to return to baseball so he can throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Reds lose their first game of the season to the Pittsburg Pirates on Opening Day at 4:10 p.m. at Mediocre American Ball Park, thus sparing everyone in Cincinnati the utter embarrassment of watching the Cincinnati City Mangler Harry Black drop the ball again, like he did last week when he “forgave” Deadbeat Mahogany’s Restaurant Owner Liz Rogers’ debt.
In a related item, Political Insiders on the beach were wondering what kind of mud that DemocRAT National Committee Opposition Research Operation is threatening to use to expose prominent Conservatives in the 2015 elections.
Fortunately, so far the most damaging thing they’re willing to use is that picture from the time Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane appeared in an erotic Chippendales video with a RINO, two Devious DemocRATS, and a Gay Darkie Mayor. (Unfortunately, that video is no longer available.)
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Odd Todd Opportune and David A. Pepper.
SPRING BREAK HOT LINE
e-mail your yabbo sighting photos today.
Some Spring Break items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Spring Break Watching subscribers.
Whistleblower Women’s History Month Video
Sluts on Spring Break
(Probably not sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Birthday Girl Judge Sylvia Hendon [407 Friends, 49 Mutual] whose Facebook photos do not include one of her in a bikini.)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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