Friday, March 20, 2015 

Sluts in the Suburbs

Just when you thought The Morning Fishwrap couldn’t find something else on the Liberal Agenda to promote, Feckless Fishwrapper Richardson wrote a really big story promoting A&E’s “Neighbors with Benefits” reality TV show premiering on March 22 starring Suburban Sluts in Warren County’s Hamilton Township who “swap partners and engage in extramarital relationships as they go about their regular lives as parents, professionals, soccer moms and little league coaches.” Rachel also said the show gave new meaning to the phrase “bedroom community.”

A&E says “Neighbors with Benefits” is a wholesome family program about neighbors and friends who attend parties as married couples for the purpose of switching spouses and having sex.

 Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor

         Why, it’s none other than Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burr-ass who’s busy making a map showing where all the sluts live. Our Muckraker says producers at A & E sent a thank you note to Phil for all of his help promoting their new “Sluts in the Suburbs” reality TV series, and Our Good Friend Joe Braun at Straus Troy says his favorite client Patty Brisben at Dildo World is still hoping to sponsor the entire program. Phil wonders if our “Sluts in the Suburbs” in Warren County will be switching spouses on BB&BJ Day today.

Which is why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting the all forms of perversion, without regard to the race, creed, color, SAT score, weight, age, physical competence, credit rating, political party, computer preference, dietary restrictions, dental integrity, hair style, skin graphics, body piercings, or sexual orientation of the pervert during Women’s History Month, is pleased to select Phil to be this week’s guest editor and choose three Items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors.

“MORAL COMPASS” by Edward Pointer

Are you as moral as you think you are?

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.

Here’s the Situation:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Here’s the Test:
Suddenly you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar.
You suddenly realize who it is.
It’s Barack Obama!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You Have Two Options:

You can save the life of Barack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world’s most powerful socialist men hell bent on the destruction of America.

Here’s The Question (Please give us an honest answer)

“Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?”

“THE ‘Y’ CHROMOSOME” by A Chagrined Conservative

People born before 1946 are called – “The Greatest Generation.” People born between 1946 and 1964 are called – “The Baby Boomers.” People born between 1965 and 1979 are called – “Generation X.” And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called “Generation Y.”

Did you ever wonder why we call the last group “Generation Y?” It’s because they always say:

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food? Y should I do anything when I can get it all for FREE?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below…

We just thought you might want to know “Y” we ended up with OBAMA for eight freaking years!

“MORE DUMBED DOWN EDUCATION”
by Whistleblower Education Editor Rod Sparechild

Indiana Bureau Chief Hoosier Daddy says in a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was all pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen, of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural-born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when the girl wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds who elected the Obama. Now we know why. And don’t forget, they walk among us AND they vote! Worse yet, they breed.

AND A QUICKIE from Our Good Friend Bobby Leach

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table – but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: “Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.”

The man calmly looked up at her and said: “No, she didn’t. She just walked in.”

These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.

TODAY’S “LIBERAL LIAR” AWARD GOES TO

Dishonest Illinois DemocRAT California Senate Minority Whip Dick Durbin, for saying Republicans are making the Obama’s Racist Black Attorney General Nominee Loretta Lynch to replace Obama’s Racist Black Attorney General Eric Holder “sit in the back of the bus” by delaying her confirmation vote. Who’s writing Durbin’s material these days, Obama’s Race Baiter #1 Al Sharpton?

Another Women’s History Month Moment

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.

More Stories We’re Working On

OBAMA Finally Calls to Congratulate Bibi
HUMANOIDS Invade The Workplace
IS DEADBEAT LIZ ROGERS’ Mercedes Being Repossessed?
POLICE BEEF UP PATROLS For “Sluts In The Suburbs” Show
COMING LATE for BB&BJ Day
CORPOREX Looking For Help To Build Ovulation
FUSE.NET Still Labeling The Blower “Spam”

Whistleblower Web Poll

This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said was their favorite holiday in March:
(A) Political Backstabbers Day on the Ides of March: 2%
(B) St. Patrick’s Day on March 17: 1%
(C) The arrival of Spring on March 20: 1%
(D) BB&BJ Day: 96%

Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!

Weekly Whistleblower Limerick

BJ Blasphemies

This week, everybody who thinks Catholics really got a break this year because BB&BJ Day didn’t arrive on Friday during Lent, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.

The winner is Clyde, a Catholic in a Confessional from Campbell County, who says “I can’t see going to Hell for “Beer or Beef,” but I’d spend eternal damnation there for a “BJ.”

Clyde wins a big juicy steak from Outback, a case of Budweiser, and an ample supply of Viagra, just to help him make it through the night. His winning limerick is:

This year on BB&BJ Day
Will you have a two-, three- or four-way?
The standard drive-through menu
Doesn’t include a Hibernian venue
So you might have to settle for going halfway.

This year on BB&BJ Day
It’s the day for which all year I pray.
But if my gift she forgets,
And expresses regrets,
I’ll tell her it’s the one gift for which I’d gladly pay.

This year on BB&BJ Day
When lusty lads look for lassies to play.
But on the rainbow streets of Northside,
Where Phil M. and Ben D. doth hide,
It’s the annual equinox if you’re gay!

Here’s a Dishonorable Mention from “In Russ We Trust” Jackson
At last it’s BB & BJ Day
I’m so happy I don’t know what to say
Should I have a beer AND a BJ?
And how much should I pay?
And can I finish it off with a lay?

No tears, no sadness, no strife
I’ve waited for this all my life
What better could follow?
(Do you think she will swallow?)
And please, pals, do NOT tell my wife.

Bobby Leach says this is vile-and-disgusting
This year on BB&BJ day
I told my girlfriend I want it my way.
She said “Don’t think you’ll get lucky,
‘Cause I don’t do sucky,
Maybe you can buy some on E-bay.”

This year on BB&BJ Day
I’ll be so happy, what will I say!
I get to eat steak
And all the beer I can take,
But as for the last one, my wife says “NO WAY!”

E Rob Sanders denies he sent this in
This year on BB&BJ Day
I hope a hummer is coming my way!
I’ve waited so long,
Wearing my sexiest thong,
Do you think she might think that I’m gay?

If fellatio is not on the menu,
I’ll search for a different venue.
I can still have a steak,
And a beer, if I get a break,
So the BB part will still come true.

Now here’s a few from the Anderson Laureate (who really got off on this week’s subject):
On Wednesday, it was BB & BJ Day,
I tried to celebrate it the right way.
But I had a fight with my wife
She came at me with a knife,
Need I say there was not any BJ?

So I got me a beer and drank it
I didn’t even have to thank it
My wife gave me grief,
So I ate my corned beef,
And I pulled out my pud to yank it.

She said I reminded her a lot
Of someone who’s a pervert and a sot
And she said “I ain’t lyin’,
You look like Trustee O’Brien!”
And so I spent the night on an old cot.

Next year I’ll try to be wiser
And in a nice way I’ll try to advise her
That men need some kindness
And jerkin’ off leads to blindness
So how ’bout a BJ? Don’t be a miser.

The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“There once was an Old April Fool”

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Duffy “the Lucky Leprechaun” Beischel.

CELEBRATING WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH HOT LINE
e-mail your favorite “So this feminist walks into a bar” jokes today.

Some estrogen infused items in today’s Blower were sent in our estrogen infused, Subscribers.

Whistleblower Video of the Day
NCAA Expands March Madness Will Now Include 4,096 Teams

(Sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Eileen Osborne [4,965 friends, 80 Mutual] who claims to be employed at WXIX-TV)

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

 Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here