Saturday, March 7, 2015
It’s Almost Daylight Savings Time, Everybody!
IT’S ALMOST TIME TO SPRING FORWARD: Now where’d we put those damn instructions for changing the time on our new digital watch and the dashboard clock in our cars? Our Quote for Today Committee likes Gary Shandling’s I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was on the night the clocks are set ahead. But actually, as confusing as the reasons for Daylight Savings Time are, you shouldn’t forget Yogi Berra’s scientific explanation: “It gets late earlier out there.”
SPEAKING OF TELLING TIME: Our Campaign Countdown Clockwatcher tells us now there are only 683 more days of bad government remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless he decides to run for a third term or gets his half-black ass impeached.
OUR LATE NIGHT JOKEWATCHER liked the time when Jay Leno said, “Liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25-to-life would be appropriate.”
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1876, 29-year-old Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, but it wasn’t until many years later that Time Warner started stealing the phone company’s customers.
IT WAS HISTORIC: Francine the Feisty Feminist wonders if The Blower was finally offering equal rights for women, since last year on Friday of this week marked the first time in history a member of the Fair Sex had ever been chosen to be Guest Editrix in our Friday series of Guest Column E-ditions, when Sassy Sarah Palin was selected to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for Friday’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors.
ANOTHER WOMAN HONORED (During Women’s History Month): Last year on Tuesday of this week, The Fishwrap published a puff piece on Liz Rogers and her downtown Cincinnati restaurant, Mahogany, writing, “Mahogany’s owner Liz Rogers financial woes stemmed from an $80,000 embezzlement by her financial manager.”
If Wedgie Washburn really believed that, we’ve got a bridge to sell to her. What was the name of this so-called financial manager? Why didn’t Rogers mention that whopper when she was whining about the harsh winter, discrimination, passing three bad checks for her rent and so on?
Rogers stated she was pursuing the embezzlement with the police and prosecutor’s office. But Hamilton County prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters said he had not been contacted about an embezzlement. The Fishwrap wrote that maybe the embezzlement had taken place at Rogers’ other Mahogany Restaurant in the city of Hamilton, Ohio. The Fishwrap didn’t even bother to check their facts. Mahogany in Hamilton had been closed for a year.
Maybe the dog ate the $80,000. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Blame the dog, Liz.
HOOPS AND HOS: Word was Cincinnati’s new Police Chief Jeffrey Blackwell’s favorite restaurant is Mahogany. Folks say he’d been seen there many times, although we don’t think he was looking for Liz’s mysterious embezzler. How about the chief’s “new plan” to solve the violence problems with basketball? Wow, that was a new and innovative idea! In fact, there’s a plethora of evidence that suggests this type of program has been a complete failure for decades, a total waste of time and money. In fact, every time another yoof is shot or murdered we’ll probably being hearing the cry, “if only he coulda been playing hoops wit da chief!”
WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL says last year just in time for Women’s History Month, they’d stocked up on “Meow Mix” in the Channel 12 newsroom break room. They were going to need it.
Word is some of the ladies have had their claws specially sharpened in preparation for Sheila Grey’s arrival!
ALSO DURING WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH, Mike DeWhine’s wife, Fran, e-mailed Republicans her new recipe for Llapingachos (Ecuadorian cheese-filled potato pancakes), guaranteed to clog your arteries in three seconds flat. May that’s why the Ohio Attorney General was being treated at The Christ Hospital after fainting last year during a speaking engagement in Cincinnati.
Meanwhile, down at Hamilton County RINO Headquarters, Party Boss Alex T., Mall COP GOP had sent out another time-wasting Twitter asking all his followers to vote for Cincinnati to be the location of the 2016 Republican National Convention. [THIS REALLY OUGHT TO GET THE JOB DONE]
Cincinnati Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley was claiming he’ was trying to find common ground in the fight over where Hamilton County’s early voting location should be. But will all those Local Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, would be able to get there on the Stupid Streetcar?
Meanwhile, in that week’s Streetcar Progress Update during Women’s History Month, it was a good time to highlight the women who’ve been valued members of the Cincinnati Streetcar Project along every step of the way — from design conception to engineering to the now-daily construction you see in Over-the-Rhine and the Central Business District. We can hardly wait for the Swimsuit Edition!
TODAY’S UNITED APPALL PERSON (During Women’s History Month) is diner waitress Emily Frump, who stops in several times a day at the Carolyn Washburn Drop-Inn Center for Extremely Unattractive Nymphomaniacs, another one of the seemingly endless United Appall Agencies serving some of the area’s more unfortunate citizens. Emily hopes the United Appall meets its fund-raising goal next week so she can continue to meet lonely men and satisfy their insatiable sexual cravings. “I just want to be loved,” says Emily. “Is there anything wrong with that?”
LAST YEAR IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY DURING WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH, Alison Wondergams Grimes’s campaign just couldn’t stop whining about how unfair it is that Karl Rove’s Kentucky Super PAC was taking time out from bashing Bitch McConnell’s TEA Party Primary Opponent to say mean and hurtful things about Alison in her ladylike efforts to clean Bitch’s clock this November.
Horny in Hebron says BB&BJ Day on March 20 is always a good way to celebrate Women’s History Month.
FINALLY, AT THIS MORNING’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if he was surprised to see that former State Rep-tile Peter $tautberg had been named by Ohio Governor Kasich-Taylor to fill a vacancy on the Ohio 1st District Court of Appeals.
“As The Blower reported last Christmas Eve,” Kane explained, “It was no surprise that Peter $tautberg’s name showed up on a short-list for judge submitted by none-other-than Alex-T-Mall-Cop, GOP. The “best legislator money can buy” would do well on the appellate court where the only decisions he’d have to make would be what time to wake up and go home and quite possibly where to go for lunch. Any real decisions would be made by Alex, Joe, Chippy and the gang down on Walnut Street who will make sure any real heavy lifting gets decided behind the scenes and out of the public’s eye, in other words, it would be Politics as Usual.”
Another Improbable Interview by Bunky Tadwell
FINALLY, with everybody really excited to set their clocks ahead tonight, The Blower was trying to understand the logic behind this confusing event, so we sent Bunky Tadwell to interview Professor Homer Schnorer of the Grindle, Indiana Institute of Flora and Fauna.
BT: Just what is Daylight Savings Time?
HS: It is what it is, the saving of daylight and time.
BT: Exactly how is it done?
HS: That was a problem when it was first proposed by Ben Franklin. He needed more time to light his invention, the Franklin Stove and more daylight to check out another one of his inventions, bi-focal glasses.
BT: He was a busy boy.
HS: Not too busy to cast his bread upon Colonial waters, if you know what I mean.
BT: I guess he would use more time but he wouldn’t need more daylight for that.
HS: The problem was…how to store the daylight and time. Spread too much daylight and one couldn’t sleep. And time was what kept everything from happening all at once. Stored in Mason jars and the daylight showed through the glass. And glass jars break too easily. To shorten the story, someone hit on the idea of metal barrels stored under ground.
BT: How’s that working out?
HS: Over the years, we’ve filled up almost all of the available space. And some barrels are leaking. Turns out daylight and time are corrosive. We’ve filled up most of Tasmania, empty land in Australia, all of the U.S., a large portion of Antarctica, Mongolia, and who knows where else.
BT: Sounds serious!
HS: Fortunately, we’ve found a solution…shoot the stuff into outer space. With any luck, the stuff will hit a black hole and disappear…like promises in Washington.
BT: That’s good news!
HS: The bad news is that since Obama shut down the space program, we have to borrow money from the Chinese to pay the Russians to do it for us.
Obviously, Bunky could’ve used that extra hour of rest to work on this Daylight Savings column.
TODAY’S BEST “LIBERAL LIAR” AWARD GOES TO
Dishonest DemocRAT House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, who said Tuesday “I was near tears throughout the Prime Minister’s speech” during Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s address to Congress, and implied that Netanyahu vastly underestimated the ability of the Obama administration to negotiate an agreement that keeps nuclear weapons away from Iran. The Blower says this was ridiculous, even for “Nutty Nancy.”
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME HOT LINE
e-mail your missing minutes today.
Some time-saving items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally time-saving subscribers, but we could always use a lot more.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Daylight Savings Time 2015
(Sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Miss Vicki [811 Friends, 23 Mutual] who once had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Beloved Whistlebower Publisher Charles Foster Kane of ICRC-TV)
PLUS
Spring Forward (Fall Back)_Daylight Saving Time protest song
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