Tuesday, February 17, 2014
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
According to Whistleblower Lexicographer Funkin’ Wagnalls, the proper spelling for yesterday’s invented holiday is “Presidents’ Day,” not “President’s Day” or “Presidents Day.” —Sidney Spellchecker
Please tell Sidney correct spelling is irrelevant in today’s graduate’s from public screwel’s. Everybody now know’s that almost any and every “s” at the end of a word should be preceded by an apostrophe. Look around. It’s used car’s, a sale on TV’s, three taco’s for two dollar’s, three suit’s free with the purchase of one (at JOE-seff A. Bank), etc. Want frie’s with that? Or would it be spelled, Want fry’s with that? Whatever! —Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin
I much preferred it when the nation celebrated Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays separately, before Congress opted to change that practice for a three-day weekend. But much more I preferred it when our Presidents were proud to uphold the dignity of the office – before President Obama embarrassed himself (without realizing it) and us with his Buzzfeed video. May the Good Lord help us! —Bob McConnell, The Guy Who Sends You All Those Conservative Cartoons
Why didn’t The Blower just wish everybody a happy patri-idiotic Washington- Adams- Jefferson- Madison- Monroe- Adams- Jackson- Van Buren- Harrison- Tyler- Polk- Taylor- Fillmore- Pierce- Buchanan- Lincoln- Johnson- Grant- Hayes- Garfield- Arthur- Cleveland- Harrison- McKinley- Roosevelt- Taft-Wilson- Harding- Coolidge- Hoover- Roosevelt- Truman- Eisenhower- Kennedy- Johnson- Nixon- Ford- Carter- Reagan- Bush 41- Clinton- Bush 43-Obama Day? —Whistleblower Presidential Historian Dorian Grady
If you’re going to insist on always using “Bush 41” and “Bush 43,” then you must also use “Adams 2” and “Adams 6,” “Harrison 9” and “Harrison 24,” “Johnson 17” and “Johnson 36,” and “Roosevelt 26” and “Roosevelt 32.” —Nerdly Nitpicker
Yesterday we just wished everybody Happy “Barack Obama is the Only President We Will Ever Care About” Day. —Obama Supporters in the Press
During the Presidents’ Day Weekend, over-taxed payers treated Obama to another well-deserved weekend golfing vacation while The Mooch doubled the cost with her separate over-taxed-payer-funded holiday in Aspen. —The Obamas for Divided Marriages America
Here’s some good news: Only one in five companies with fewer than 500 employees say they are “likely” or “very likely” to discontinue company-provided healthcare coverage within five years. — Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press
Has the Republican National Committee called yet to announce if Cincinnati has been chosen as the location for the Republican National Convention in 2016? —Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP
Has the White House called to announce we’ve been chosen to be flown to Washington to meet POTUS after we donated $10 to the latest lottery 487 times?—Obsessive Obama Supporters Tom and Rose
I didn’t tell Obama I was planning to invite Bibi Netanyahu to speak before Congress because I knew he’d try to interfere. —John Boehner, Acting Like He a Real Republican Speaker of the House
We were really blindsided when Netanyahu’s Re-election Campaign ran a TV commercial showing ISIS asking for directions to Jerusalem. —Obama’s Campaigners in Israel Trying to Destroy Netanyahu
Isn’t anybody watching what’s happening in Iraq these days, with ISIS/ISIL closing in on those 300 American Marines? Obama needs to roll up his sleeves and start getting things done and quit down playing what is happening in the Middle East with the terror groups. —Judge Jeanine
What a wimp we have in the White House. After that Jordanian pilot was killed in that horrible way, here you saw the king put on his fatigues, he executed two prisoners that they were holding in Jordan and launched bombing raids,” Meanwhile, Obama goes off to a California Fund-raiser. Obama got in a Presidents Day Round of Golf, too, while Islam Terrorism continued. —Bob Schieffer, CBS News Face the Nation
Has anybody figured out why Obama sent Boehner this picture? —Edward Cropper, Photo-shop Editorial Spoofer on Current Events
Did The Blower’s Liberal Liars Award Committee forget about that time in 1996 when I claimed I’d landed under sniper fire in Bosnia? —Hillary Clinton
Would I look like a Doofus DemocRAT is I tweeted my outrage that Sarah Palin was invited to last weekend’s Saturday Night Live 40 Year Reunion? —Tennessee DemocRAT Congressman Steve Cohen
All day on Presidents’ Day, the Cronies were waiting to see if Monday’s big snow scare would affect tonight’s long-awaited Lincoln Reagan Uible Day Dinner featuring Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. —Clermont County Republicans
It’s truly an honor to be among this year’s finalists with Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane for the Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month, now called Half-Black History Month in honor of the current resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. —Buckwheat Blackwell
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All
We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People
We’re currently investigating that curious similarity between Saturday’s Patronage County column entitled “Be My Valentine” published 33 years ago and Thursday’s “Valentine’s Daze” E-dition. —Freddie Factchecker
Where was all the news coverage of last weekend’s Mardi Gras celebration? —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
It was so tame this year, our “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras” tape could turn out to be a real bust. —Mainstrasse Merchants
You know you love Mardi Gras too much if you wake up in court with your pants on backwards. —Archie Wilson
We were even going to run a special “Mardi Gras” edition of our “This Week in Kenton Circuit Court” Newsletter, but nothing exciting happened. —Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders
Did you know Mardi Gras means “Fat Tuesday?” —Weight Gainers
Does anybody at Channel 5 remember when I used to call Fat Tuesday e-Norma’s Tuesday? —Quisling Charlie Luken
Did you know when you translate “Mardi Gras,” it means “Fat Mardi.” —Goof Doofus
I keep dreaming about Mardi Gras Night at a casino. —Bluegrass Governor Steve BeShear
I keep dreaming about our DemocRAT Dominatrix dressed only in beads. —Rick “The Batboy” Robinson
Whenever I throw beads at slutty girls, they always throw them back. —Will “The Thrill” Terwort
Did they do anything special for Mardi Gras at Golden Corral? —Clueless Marc Wilson
For some of us, every Tuesday is “Fat Tuesday.” —Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich
You can’t imagine how much drinking goes on at Mardi Gras. —Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith
When will The Blower start counting down till BB&BJ Day? —Horny in Hebron
I just got done reading the new Sports Illustrated “Swimsuit Edition,” but only for the articles. —Your Good Friend Bobby Leach
Why do they always celebrate Mardi Gras on a Tuesday? —TV 19’s Lingerie-Model-Turned-Reporter-Turned-Anchorbimbo Tricia “Leemarie” Macke
I quit WXIX-TV to embark on the most ambitious independent journalism project in history and make the Truth in Media project a reality. If Rand Paul shows up at the Clermont County Lincoln Reagan Uible Dinner tonight, I could sell a lot more “Pictures of Trish at the Mardi Gras from my Private Collection” for only $4.75 apiece. —Ben Swann
What articles? —Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burr-Ass
The guys at the station tell me I should be on the Swimsuit Edition? —TV 19’s Lingerie-Model-Turned-Reporter-Turned-Anchorbimbo Tricia “Leemarie” Macke
I quit WXIX-TV to embark on the most ambitious independent journalism project in history and make the Truth in Media project a reality. If the 2016 Republican National Convention comes to Cincinnati, I could sell a lot of “Pictures of Trish from my Private Collection” for only $5 apiece. —Ben Swann
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially SWIMSUIT PHOTOGRAPHERS.
PLAGIARISM COUNT: Unattributed material was pilfered from only 643 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
More Presidents’ Day E-Cards
— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Mardi Gras to show that women who bare their breasts in public for a few crummy beads will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a real slut.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially guys who throw the beads.
MARDI GRAS CELEBRATION HOT LINE
e-mail your ribald revelry today.
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
HERE’S WHAT AMERICA MISSED ON PRESIDENTS’ DAY (A Real President)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
