Saturday, February 14, 2015
Valentine’s Daze
About this time of year, people who earn their ill-gotten gains in the public relations business are so busy patting themselves on the back that they’re not getting much work done.
After all, if you’d just laid the 2015 Valentine’s Day guilt trip on all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, you’d be busting your buttons too.
Valentine’s Day used to be just for kids. They just said “To My Valentine.” Every second-grader could buy a big bag of cards, enough for the entire school for about a quarter.
Now, adults and adulteresses have about a million different “special cards.” Besides cards for fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, sweethearts-male, and sweethearts-female, Valentines for mistresses past, present, and future are also available.
They have Valentines for people you like and Valentines for people you hate. They have old-fashioned Valentines, contemporary Valentines, Miss Vicki Valentines, Archie and Amanda Valentines, Miss Piggy Valentines, Bill Clinton Heart Surgery Valentines, same-sex Valentines, Ragu Pizza Quick Sauce Valentines, Valentines for people with Ghiz all over their faces, and even Valentines for That Out-of-Office, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt, Valentines from the Auditor’s office showing you how much they just jacked up your property values, Valentines for Sheriff’s Department Employee Mickey Esposito currently ensconced in prison, Valentines that say “Thank You For Not Masturbating in My Car” for Disgraced Former Anderson Township Trustees, and free-home delivery of Valentine’s Day dildos from Patty Brisben’s Dildo World for uptight bitches in Fort Mitchell who fake their orgasms and Strauss & Troy secretaries and spouses. But the one we liked best was the one from Obama that said, “Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’ll raise you taxes and there’s nothing you can do.”
There are serious Valentines with profound messages like “I love you a lot.” There are humorous Valentines that say things like “I love you… because you have a big penis.” And there are not-so-humorous Valentines that say “I love you a lot… even though you have a small penis.”
They used to keep Valentines for gay people in closets behind the Hallmark displays, but today Chris Squealback Valentines are right out in the open with the rest of the DemocRAT left-wing extremist cards.
With the popularity of YouTube, this year we have Valentine’s Day videos like Obama’s Valentine Day Special and Jesse Jackson & Obama’s 7 Dating Tips for Valentine’s Day! And some golden oldies like George Bush Valentines, Political Valentines, and Hillary Clinton’s Valentine’s Day Strip Tease.
We have Valentines for your butcher, baker, candlestick maker, plumber, and cable-TV repairman are now obligatory– that’s if you don’t want to wait six months for your next service call. There are even “Sorry I forgot to send you a Valentine’s Day card” cards for people you overlooked.
True, the folks who’ve promoted Valentine’s Day have good reason to be proud. They’ve done a great job bringing love to the world.
But their task won’t be complete until they come out with alimony checks decorated with little cupids and hearts so that the cost of someone’s affections will never be forgotten.
But how did Valentine’s Day get started in the first place? Hurley the Historian says ancient Romans had this nice little bawdy festival called “Lupercalia.” It was the Super Bowl of Sex in those days. After sacrificing a few goats, priests dressed up in goat girdles and ran around slapping women with goatskin strips to help take away their infertility. It was like sending someone you love a “Goat-Gram.”
But the guy most responsible for making Valentine’s Day a commercial success was Al Capone. Times were bad in 1929. Valentines weren’t selling. So the greeting card companies hired Capone to stage a media event in a Chicago garage. The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre must’ve worked, because this year more than a gazillion Valentine’s Day cards will be sent.
For a long time we thought Valentine’s Day had been invented by the candy companies or the American Dental Association. For a while, they were thinking about changing the name to Whitman’s Sampler Day. Don’t you hate it when they only give you one chocolate-covered cherry and nobody will touch your nougats? Politically correct feminists want Valentine’s Day to become “V-Day,” standing for Vagina, Violence (committed by men against women), and Victory. Rather than taking 24 hours to celebrate romantic love, women are admonished to sit around and whine all day.
And when your wife tells you she wants to go someplace special for Valentine’s Day, does that mean she’s not cooking again tonight?
The best thing is to get married on Valentine’s Day (like our Beloved Publisher Charles Foster Kane). Besides showing someone how much you love her, you’ll save buying one present each year. Even better, you should marry somebody whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day, too.
Saturday (February 14) is Valentine’s Day, so if our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane is planning to take Mrs. Kane out to dinner for Valentine’s Day to celebrate their 45th Wedding Anniversary, he should’ve done it on Thursday or Friday, since all those fancy restaurants won’t be as crowded, and they won’t have jacked up their prices yet.
Horny in Hebron says the best Super Bowl ad on TV ever was the one where that sexy Teleflora girl says “Give and you shall receive,” promising you a “Happy Valentine’s Night.”
Now let’s see… what can we send that special someone for Valentine’s Day? Mushy cards are up to about eighty-seven dollars. She always grabs the chocolate-covered cherries and won’t touch your nougats. We could send her to the Toyota dealer. They’re having a romantic Valentine’s Day special on lube jobs. But no…
It’s time to get back to basics. Let’s remember the real meaning of Valentine’s Day. Does anybody know where we can find a goat?
Valentine’s Day Dating Tips
In his Valentine’s Day dating tips for horny guys, Bobby Leach says you should always be politically correct.
- Don’t call her a “babe” or a “chick.” She’s a “breasted American.”
- Don’t say she’s a “screamer” or a “moaner.” Call her “vocally appreciative.”
- Don’t say she’s “been around.” She’s a “previously-enjoyed companion.” And don’t call her “easy.” She’s just “horizontally accessible.”
Top Ten List
Today it’s Miss Piggy’s Top Ten Things A Man Should Never Say Out Loud While Shopping in Victoria’s Secret for a Valentine’s Day present:
10. Mom will love this.
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Does this come in children’s sizes?
6. The size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The “Miracle” what? This is even better than world peace!
2. $45? She’s just gonna end up naked!
And the number one thing that a man should never say while shopping in Victoria’s Secret for a Valentine’s Day present is… But, DEBBIE, you’ll NEVER squeeze your fat ass into that!
Odes to Valentine’s Day From “Best Loved Poems of the World” by Bunky Tadwell, The Bard of Cleves
On Valentine’s Day
The Ladies want flowers and candy
I’d rather fill ‘em with booze
That would be just dandy.
—
Before I met you,
My heart was so famished.
But now I’m fulfilled,
SO GO MAKE ME A SAMMICH!
—
I see your face, when I am dreaming,
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
—
I want to feel, your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag, off of your face.
—
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you, really screwed up my life.
—
What could inspire such an amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka and one part lime.
Ode to a Forgotten Love
Valentine, Oh Valentine
Last night I had a ball
I know we were introduced
But your name I can’t recall
—
Don’t Be My Valentine
I’ll keep you forever
What you gave me—
A nasty dose
Of an SDT
—
Could You Be My Valentine?
I sent you flowers
I sent you candy
All in hopes
To make you randy
—
Where There’s Smoke
Valentine, they say,
Was a well-known saint.
From what I hear
That’s what you ain’t
—
It’s a Crap Shoot
A pretty card
An expensive dinner
But no guarantee
I’ll get a winner
—
Drink Up
I’ll slip a Mickey
In your wine
Soon you’ll be
My Valentine
—
Ode to Mean Jean by Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane
I’d ask you to be my Valentine,
And then, my dear, you would be mine.
You could even be my queen,
If only you weren’t so goddamn mean.
—
And Ode-ious in Covington From “Totally Gay Valentine’s Poems” by Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I had sex with your brother.
Another Proud Sponsor and Avid Fan
Today’s Valentine’s Day E-dition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our February fund-raising drive by Patty Brisben’s Dildo World.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Valentine’s Day Special Penis Lip Balm Pranks 2015 – Best Funny Videos 2015
Published on Feb 12, 2015: WATCH Valentine’s Day Special Penis Lip Balm Pranks 2015 – Best Funny Videos 2015 – We introduce special Valentine’s Day Pranks 2015. Take a look at this SHOCKING Valentine’s Day Pranks 2015 and share with your friends too!
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
MORE CUTTING EDGE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA POLITICAL CARTOONS
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was misappropriated from a measly 472 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
Persons of Consequence can now follow the on-going antics of the –dare we say, “mythical?”– cast of characters from The Blower’s archived columns. These articles will be Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as this brand new columnist who shares his acute and oh-so-accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.
“Be My Valentine” by James Jay Schifrin
Have you ever wondered why they make such a big deal out of Valentine’s Day? Next Monday, they’ll even close down everything because Valentine’s Day fell on a Sunday this year.
How did things get so out of hand? The Romans had this nice little bawdy festival called Lupercalia. It was the Super Bowl of Sex in those days. After sacrificing goats and a dog, priests dressed up in goat girdles and ran around slapping women with goatskin straps to help take away their infertility. Kind of like sending someone you love a Goat-Gram.
But the person most responsible for making Valentine’s Day a commercial success was Al Capone. Times were bad. Valentines weren’t selling. So the greeting card companies hired Capone to stage a media event in a Chicago garage. It must have worked. This year, Hallmark estimates 840 million cards will be sent.
You used to be able to buy a whole box of Valentines for a quarter. They just said “To My Valentine.” Now they have hundreds of “special cards”—cards for mothers, fathers, wives, and sweethearts. They have humorous cards, and not so humorous cards. They have contemporary cards and cards with Miss Piggy. I didn’t see any special cards for mistresses or gay people. I suppose cards to “secret pals” should be sent to them.
For a long time I though Valentine’s Day had been invented by the candy companies. For a while, they were thinking of changing the name to Whitman’s Sampler Day. Don’t you hate the fact that they will only give you one chocolate-covered cherry and nobody will touch your nougats?
The best thing is to get married on Valentine’s Day. Besides showing her how much you love her, you’ll save buying one present each year. Even better, marry someone whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day, too.
Now let’s see, what can I send that special someone for Valentine’s Day? Mushy cards are up to $2.50. I can’t send candy, either. She always grabs the chocolate-covered cherries. I could send her up to the Toyota dealer. They’re having a romantic Valentine’s Day Special on lube jobs. But no…
It’s time to get back to basics. Let’s remember the real meaning of Valentine’s Day. Does anybody know ehere I can find a goat?
This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press on February 10, 1982.
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