Friday, February 13, 2015 

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, Everybody!

          Our Garrulous Grammarian says the first thing we need to do is to explain the difference between “Triskaidekaphobia” and “Paraskevidekatriaphobia”

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number thirteen. It comes from “treiskaideka,” the Greek word for thirteen plus “phobia,” which means “fear of,” so Triskaidekaphobia would be “a fear of thirteen.”

Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the Fear of Friday the 13th. The word “paraskevidekatriaphobia” was devised by Dr. Donald Dossey, founder of the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, N.C, who told his patients that “when you learn to pronounce it, you’re cured!”

Hurley the Historian says Miranda rights were established on this date in 1966. How lucky was that for the all the criminals?

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose this French Proverb: “A person is unlucky who falls on his back and breaks his nose.”

 Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor

        Why, it’s none other than Dr. Donald Dossey, who asks if you ever wondered why Friday became the bad day of the week instead of, say, Monday? Who started this fear of the number “13” anyway – some dysfunctional Roman family, an alcoholic Norseman, maybe a drug induced Druid? Which old-timey superstitious “cures” can help you deal with fear of Friday the 13th, and if walking around your house 13 times really wards off evil spirits? Maybe it would be better to chew a piece of beef gristle while standing on your head.

That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in rewarding anybody making fun of stupid superstitions to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose Edmond Burke’s “Superstition is the religion of feeble minds.”

• “A COUNTRY FOUNDED BY GENIUSES BUT RUN BY IDIOTS” by Jeff Foxworthy

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gave twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy radical Islamist leaders in Egypt (before they got kicked out) — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

What a country!

• “NEW MEDICARE PART G” by Bluegrass Rifle Association Spokesman Billy Bob Carbine

You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you’ll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a home.

And, you can get rid of four useless politicians while you’re at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

• “A LIBERAL PARADISE” by Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, Phoenix, Arizona

A “Liberal Paradise” is a place where…
1. Everybody has guaranteed employment
2. Free comprehensive health care
3. Free education
4. Free food
5. Free housing
6. Free clothing
7. Free utilities
8. And only Law Enforcement has guns!
Believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist!
It’s called “PRISON!

• AND A QUICKIE from Bobby Leach

I rear-ended a car this morning on the work And there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Well I couldn’t believe it. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!” So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?” And that’s how the fight started…..

These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.

FRIDAY THE 13TH HOT LINE

E-mail your luckless legends today

 Some superstitious items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally superstitious subscribers. 

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.

 TODAY’S “LIBERAL LIAR” AWARD 

According to BizPac Review, South Florida Dishonest DemocRAT Debbie Wasserman Schultz, whose office is claiming her appearance at the Grammy awards Sunday wasn’t just a junket for a star-struck politician dying to rub elbows with the glitterati. It was a research trip, paid for by the congresswoman’s campaign funds. At least that’s the story being spun by Wasserman Schultz’s office, after a New York Times reporter posted a photo of the Ditzy DemocRAT in the background of a television standup – a photo that rocketed around the Twitter world. (The presence of Texas DemocRAT Sheila Jackson Lee in the same photo helped and proved that ugly broads could too attend the Grammy Awards.)

Today’s #If Black Lives Really Mattered History Month Moment

DON BABWIN at the Dissociated Press reports a Little League team that captured the attention of the nation and the hearts of its hometown was stripped of its national title Wednesday after an investigation revealed that team officials had falsified boundaries so they could add ineligible players to the roster.

Only last summer, the all-black Jackie Robinson West team was honored with trips to San Francisco and to the White House and would you be surprised to know they came from Obama’s Chicago? 

More Stories We’re Working On

• U.S. EMBASSY in Yemen Third to be Kicked Out of Middle East
• RACIST GOP Delays Vote on Loretta Lynch
• BOEHNER Tells Dems in the Senate to Get Off Their Asses!
• FIRST HOLLYWOOD MOVIE to kill Obama
• MELEE At Anderson Park Board Meeting 
• HYPERTENSION in Northern Kentucky
• DOCTOR FROELICH’S FINGER (SEE THE HOLE STORY HERE)

Whistleblower Web Poll             

This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they planned to celebrate Presidents’ Day on Monday:

(A) Getting a day off with pay: 2%
(B) Buying a mattress: 1%
(C) Getting a BJ like President Clinton did: 1%
(D) Working: 94%

Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!

Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest

Procrastinator Punished

This week, everybody who thinks Valentine’s Day should be a national holiday e-mailed entries to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.

Our winner is well-known postponer Danny Dawdler, who says, “Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till next week.” But Danny advises you not to forget St. Valentine’s Day. Your car will be covered in guano. Not only without a good roll in the hay, you’ll likely be singing soprano.

Danny wins an autographed copy of Lothario Leach’s new book, “Dating Tips for Horny Guys,” a Whitman’s Sampler with all the chocolate-covered cherries already eaten, a copy of The Blower’s Top Ten Things Men Shouldn’t Say Out Loud When They’re Shopping for a Valentine’s Day Gift at Victoria’s Secret, a gift basket of clitoral vibrators and such from Dildo World CEO Patty Brisben,  just like the ones Joe “The Gals in the Office All Love Me” Braun arranged for his Strauss & Troy partners to give to their spouses and girl friends. His winning entry is:

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
And want to find someone to lay
It’ll cost lots of money
‘Cause we know that your honey
Won’t give you the time of the day

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Boy, will there be hell that you pay
You are in deep trouble
But if you grovel and grovel
You might get some by next May.

Other Dishonorable Mentions Include
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Is it a sign of your love’s decay?
Are you so obsessed with Obama
That you can’t take care of yo’ Mama,
‘Cause that tingle in your leg’s still in play?

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
You will pay, boy will you pay
Better make up to her
With jewelry and fur
Or wait till July to get laid

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
And that he was martyred in a most cruel way,
Just think what might happen to you
If you fail to give your spouse her due:
Your tube steak will be served as a filet.

Our Good Friend Bobby Leach sent us these

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Boy, oh boy, will you ever pay
You will have to give and you’ll give
For as long as you live.
On the outside chance you’ll get laid.

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
Show her you care in an original way.
With a new drill bit or a Swiffer
With you she won’t differ,
And she’ll know that your love’s no cliché!

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
No matter how much you say,
“I’m sorry, my dear,”
It is perfectly clear
That you ain’t gonna get laid.

Our Good Friend E Rob Sanders sent us these

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
To ensure that your partner will stay:
Just promise her a little piece
Of Obama’s Porkulus fleece:
It’s sure to put her passions in play.

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
When you do, there’s not much you can say;
To get out of trouble,
It’ll at least cost you double,
For forgiveness, there’s a higher price to pay.

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
No matter what you might say
You might beg, you might plea
But she’ll make you see
It’ll be August until you get laid.

Horny in Hebron sent us these

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
There is nothing good you can say,
Forgive you she will not,
For the roses you “forgot”,
And for the rest of your life, you will pay!

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t expect a roll in the hay
Take my advice
And just pay the price
It’ll take diamonds to make it OK.

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
It matters not a bit what you say
Get an expensive present
That she won’t resent
You know how that game she will play

“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman sent us these

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t expect a nice roll in the hay.
She might even fake
A permanent headache
Which will bother you only if you’re not gay

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
But still hope for a roll in the hay
Don’t hold your breath,
She’ll snub you to death,
You’ll score when Hell freezes away.

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Guess what price you’re gonna pay?
When you jump into bed
Your sex life will be DEAD,
But remember, you can still buy something on E-bay!

“In Russ We Trust” Jackson sent us these

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Oh, boy, oh boy, will you pay
You’ll have to wait
Till September the eighth
If you ever want to get laid.

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
And you don’t know quite what to say
Just tell her, ya’ know
You had to shovel the snow
Maybe she’ll buy that, okay?

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
And you’re looking for a roll in the hay
Your only hope for gratification
Rhymes with (… uh, you know)
Unless, of course, you are gay.

Archie Wilson sent us these

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
Let me tell you there will be Hell to pay.
Buy diamonds, my friend
Don’t sweat how much you spend,
Every kiss begins with Kay.

Don’t get some stupid Vermont Teddy Bear
Or half-naked nightie that she’ll never wear,
She don’t give a damn
‘Bout no stupid PajamaGram
Get her two carats shaped marquis, round, or pear.

Rob “Fighting for Free Love” Portman sent us these

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t hope for a roll in the hay.
You got no Vermont Teddy Bear
Or sexy pajamas she can wear,
So now you are going to pay.

You coulda got chocolates or flowers,
Or helped do the housework for a few hours,
But you sat on your rear,
Ate Doritos and drank beer,
And took Viagra to restore your “powers.”

Maybe this time you’ll learn your lesson,
And regret to your girl you’ll be confessin’
Do better next year
Or you will live in fear
That she’ll come after you with her Smith & Wesson.

And from our Anderson Laureate, who says “I never knew so many romantic guys read The Blower”:

If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
There’s a helluva price you will pay
Women are aware
Of how much you care
They judge by things you do, not just say.

But if by chance you have an excuse,
Ask her if she’ll grant you a truce,
Swear you’ll never forget
A Valentine’s card to get
And buy her a bottle of fermented grape juice.

If you happen to be a lucky cookie
You might end up getting some nookie
But if you don’t score
Try not to get sore,
It just proves you’re a sexual rookie.

Oh by the way, don’t fall for that ad on TV
With the Vermont Teddy Bear for a large fee
They won’t think it’s from Cupid
Girls aren’t that stupid
I can tell you it didn’t work for me.

The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The best part about Dead President’s Day”

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, Hamilton County Treasurer Robert A. Goering, who says failure to receive a tax bill will not avoid such penalty and/or interest if you’re late mailing your Real Estate Taxes.

MORE CONSERVATIVE VALENTINES

e-mail your passionate prose today.

Some really romantic items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really romantic subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more. 

Whistleblower Video of the Day

The Date – A Short and Funny Film For Valentine’s Day

(Sent in by Mike “Horn Dog #81” Allen—Not a FaceBook Friend)

PLUS

Every 7 Seconds: The Date

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today. 

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