Monday, February 2, 2015

Groundhog Day (AGAIN!)

According to folklore and an almost endless amount of meaningless media hype, if celebrity groundhog Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow today, there’ll be six more weeks of winter. Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1887 the first Groundhog Day featured a rodent meteorologist predicting the weather at Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Bill Vaughn’s: “The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.”

But each year at this time, the Greedy Weasels at Clear Channel (formerly Jake-Whore) also beg The Blower not to remind people about that fateful day in 1995 when helicopter traffic reporter John Phillips got arrested and was later convicted for strafing groundhogs from his helicopter at the Blue Ash Airport, or that time at Phillips’ court appearance when he broke down and unsuccessfully tried to claim “Guns don’t kill groundhogs, people do.”

The Greedy Weasels are still trying to identify that guy from WGRR Radio who dressed up in a groundhog costume we all saw on TV waving through the glass on the courtroom door.

The Greedy Weasels would also not like us to remind you about their hypocrisy, citing that time Punxsutawney Phillips slammed Bill Clinton for his moral failings in one breath, then advertised Bristol’s strip joint in the next. Phillips is no longer on the air at WLW Hate Radio after his contract was finally not renewed, sort of like what happened to Angry Andersonian Darryl Parks, but not exactly.

Friends of Phil now demand that Groundhog Day be declared a national holiday. Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, think everybody should get the Groundhog Day off with pay and Eastern Avenue be renamed the Punxsutawney Phil Highway.

“Friends of Phil” is not associated with that fan club for Cincinnati Police Officer Phil (aka Philicia) Barnes, who sued the bejesus out of the City after he/she/it was demoted from sergeant for not exhibiting command presence by sporting mascara and lipstick, long painted fingernails, permanently arched eyebrows, and 38-DD breast implants. That “Friends of Philicia” group still meets secretly in the special unisex restroom at District Two.

Meanwhile, Tom and Rose were wishing there’s mail delivery on Groundhog Day, since our long-suffering Obsessive Compulsive Obama Supporters are still waiting for a check from MoveOn.Org to help them pay off the massive debts they incurred in 2009 throwing their Obama Coronation Bash at the Camargo Country Club.
At the same time in Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and fellow gourmands like Clueless Marc Wilson and Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich always get together for brunch at Beaver’s on Groundhog Day to enjoy some of that world-famous delicious Groundhog Stew. Clueless asks, “Where’s the Beaver?” but Kane says, “That’s good groundhog.”
Groundhog Day is always a special time for our own Linda Libel, since Kane took our longtime Whistleblower gossip columnist to a Groundhog Day party where she first met her husband, and in all those years since, Linda still hasn’t forgiven him. Come to think of it, neither has her husband.
Whistleblower Zoological Reporter Thane Tadwell says most people think Groundhog Day came late this year, because today, with only “93” more days until any 2015 Primary Elections in Ohio (107 more days in Kentucky), people have already forgotten about Obama’s Campaign Rally/ State of Dis-Union Speech on last month. It’s too bad he didn’t deliver it on “Groundhog’s Day,” because if you think all of Obama’s teleprompter speeches have all been the same, you won’t be imagining that you’ve heard it all before.
For the first time since Kentucky began selecting gubernatorial nominees with party primaries rather than state conventions in 1935, the state’s Democrats won’t have a truly contested primary for an open gubernatorial seat.
And no matter if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow or not, GOP Primary Candidates will still be smearing each other for more than six months until the Ames Straw Poll in Iowa, says Whistleblower Iowa Bureau Chief Jan Mickelson (who’s been WHO Radio’s Rush Limbaugh in the Hawkeye State ever since he left WCKY-AM back during the last century).
At least this year, The Blower’s sure Ohio’s Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” WenSchmidt certainly is glad he hasn’t had to count down the days, hours, and minutes until the filing deadline this Wednesday at 4 PM to see if the Clermont County TEA Party Patriots have found a candidate to run against “Bronze Star” in next year’s May primary Election. That might explain that clandestine meeting between “Buffalo Dave” Uible and two of WenSchmidt’s lackies at the Eastgate Panera with their over-priced sandwiches last week.
Meanwhile, Terrorists are celebrating because Disingenuous DemocRATS in Congress can’t stop whining about how GOP House Speaker John Boehner continues to embarrass Obama with Jewish voters by inviting Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel to criticize Obama’s Feckless Foreign Policy in a speech to Congress, while Obama is actively trying to get Netanyahu un-elected in the upcoming Israeli Election.
Back in the USA, poverty’s up, middle class incomes are down, one-in-five are on food stamps, the GAO says the deficit is “unsustainable,” and the only reason the unemployment rate isn’t closer to 11% is because the labor force has shrunk to thirty-year lows since Obama took office. Curiously, according all of our Obama Supporters in the Press, Punxsutawney Phil will be reporting Obama’s Recovery is doing just fine.
Best of all, the IRS says under ObamaCare, the cheapest health insurance plan available in 2016 for a family will cost $20,000 for the year. Under ObamaCare, Americans will be required to buy health insurance or pay a penalty to the IRS. We can’t wait to hear all those Dumbed-Down, Obama voters complain.
This year Groundhog Day is also a special date for Hamilton County Property Owners, since Our Disingenuous DemocRAT Double-Dipping Hamilton County Auditor (who is always been permitted to run unopposed by the RINOs at 700 Walnut Street) says, “Even if Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see his shadow today, your jacked-up drive-by-appraised property taxes still had to be postmarked before midnight tonight.”
Finally, from ESPN, we have a vintage souvenir photograph of the OchoCinco Groundhog at the Super Bowl.