Thursday, January 29, 2015

 Big Balls Throughout American History

           
At yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if the news media would continue making a bigger deal out of “Deflate-Gate” than all of Obama’s Scandals combined, leading up to the Super Bowl, and beyond, especially after Fox News reported on Monday that Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl would soon be charged with desertion. A former military intelligence officer claimed Tuesday that the White House was “delaying the announcement” of its decision to file desertion charges against Bergdahl, whom Obama traded for five Murdering Muslim Monsters at GITMO to bump his VA Scandal from the political spotlight last June. Word is they’re trying to delay that announcement for the 721 days remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless he’s impeached.

Our Late night Jokewatcher says Comedians were all getting big laughs with their New England Patriots “Deflated Ball Jokes,” but none had figured out focusing on the testicular deficiencies of our Eunuchs on the Potomac currently running the country over a cliff.  Big Balls are a sign of virility, power, and manliness. And since women don’t have them, along with the penis, they’re the ultimate symbol of male sexuality.   

Hillary says her husband’s genitals have long been the subject of mockery. The always classy and take-no-prisoners Sarah Palin appeared on Fox News one time to announce that Obama had no balls. The Blower remembers at the Nixon White House, Charles Colson had a sign on his office wall that said, “When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.” And our Good Friend Bobby Leach says his mother always used to read him “The Night of the King’s Castration” as a bedtime story.

• “Actually, as any graduate of the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools can tell you, Big Balls are right there in the Declaration of Independence,” Kane added, because Thomas Jefferson wrote, “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Big Balls.”
• And even the Pledge of Allegiance says, “One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and Big Balls for all.”
• Do you remember when Patrick Henry said, “Give me Big Balls or give me a death?”
• Nathan Hale said, “I regret that I have but one set of Big Ball to give for my Country.”
• John Paul Jones said, “I have not yet begun to show my Big Balls.”
• George Washington said, “I cannot tell a lie. I have Big Balls.”
• Samuel Adams said, “Someday they’ll name a beer after me, and when they do, I’ll show you my Big Balls.”
• Daniel Webster said, “One country, one constitution, one destiny, and many Big Balls.”
• At Gettysburg, Abraham Lincoln said, “The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget our Big Balls.”
• \William Tecumseh Sherman said, “War is hell– without Big Balls.”
• George Armstrong Custer said, “Where in the hell did all those Indians with Big Balls come from?”
• Woodrow Wilson said, “The world must be made safe for Big Balls.”
• \Will Rogers said, “I never met a guy with Big Balls I didn’t like.”
• General George S. Patton said, “No bastard ever won a war dying for his Big Balls. He won it by making the other poor bastard die for his Big Balls.”
• FDR said, “We have nothing to fear but Small Balls.”
• Douglas McArthur said, “I shall return—with Big Balls.”
• Harry Truman said, “The Big Balls stop here.”
• Dwight D. Eisenhower said, “I think that people want Big Balls so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have them.”
• Albert Einstein said, “”The hardest thing in the world to understand is the Size of a Man’s Balls.”
• Sigmund Freud said, “Most of men’s problems can be traced to their subconscious feelings about the Size of Their Balls.”
• John Kennedy said, “Ask not what you can do for your Big Balls.”
• Neil Armstrong said, “A small step for man, one giant step for Big Balls.
• Barry Goldwater said, “Extremism in the defense of Big Balls is no vice. And moderation in the pursuit of Small Balls is no virtue.”
• Vince Lombardi said, “Big Balls aren’t everything.”
• Ronald Reagan said, “My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin cutting their Big Balls off in five minutes.”
• John Wayne said, “Sure Women have the right to work wherever they want, as long as they have your dinner ready when your Big Balls get home.”
• Rev. Martin Luther King said, “I had a dream about Big Balls.”
• Bill Clinton lied, “I did not have sex with that woman who licked my Big Balls.”
• Charlton Heston said, “I’ll give you my Big Balls when you them from my cold, dead hands.”
• At every patriotic rally, Lee Greenwood always sings, “God Bless Big Balls.”  
• Jerry Lee Lewis says, “The greatest song I ever recorded was Great Balls of Fire!”   
• George W. Bush said, “Big Balls Accomplished.”
• And not to be outdone, Obama lied when he said, “If you have Big Balls, you can keep them.”

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 412 different websites for the production of today’s Blower. 

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Seediest Kids of All

The Schnozzy Heimlich Story

          Schnozzy Heimlich was a balding little six-year-old boy whose dad kept giving him small items to swallow so he could test his untried life-saving maneuvers. He always dreamed of being a part-time legal commentator on TV, just like his hero Mike Allen, because that way people would think he was a legal expert, even if he could never claim a distinguished legal or political career.

            So the Seediest Kids of All sent over an official TV reporter’s trench coat to help Schnozzy look the part; DVDs of all those old “Law and Order” episodes, so Schnozzy could study up on how Prosecutor Jack McCoy got all his convictions; Ken “Mad Dawg” Lawson gave Schnozzy some lessons on abrasive courtroom theatrics, and the folks at TV 9 Substantially True News even gave Schnozzy a chance to audition.

            Unfortunately, during his first broadcast, Schnozzy “reported” the “Law and Order” case that everybody had seen on TV the night before, threw in some of those “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit” lines he’d seen Johnny Cochran use during the OJ Trial, and said, “But that IS my real nose,” when that cute little TV 9 reporterette asked him.

            The Heimlich family called to express their gratitude for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your guilt and tax dollars throughout the year which make it all possible.

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