Saturday, January 24, 2015

Tomorrow Is Opposite Day, Everybody… 

          …when everything you say and do are supposed to be the opposite of what you really mean. If you say “yes,” you mean “no.” If you say “turn left,” you mean “turn right.” And if you say “I love you,” you really mean “I hate you.”

We’re not really sure who created Opposite Day, but some sources vaguely connect the holiday to President Calvin Coolidge. Coolidge told the press “I do not choose to run” in the 1928 election, which left everyone wondering if he really meant the opposite.

• HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says also on tomorrow’s date in 1961, John F. Kennedy held the first live televised presidential news conference, and presidents of both parties have been telling us the opposite of what they mean on TV ever since.
• THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Obama’s “If you like your health plan, you can keep it,” because all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Him In The White House—Twice, obviously don’t care if Obama means what he says.
• OBAMA SUPPORTERS IN THE PRESS say they won’t be making a bigger deal out of “Deflate-Gate” than all of Obama’s Scandals combined between now and the Super Bowl.
• SARAH PALIN says, “I was misinterpreted on the new GOP Majority when I said “it’s not just the New England Patriots who are dealing with deflated balls.”
• WHISTLEBLOWER BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says, “If your portfolio really looked good at the close of business on Friday, it was a sign of Investors thought of the way Obama is handling the Economy.”
• IN OHIO: GOP Governor Kasich Taylor claims he is not really running for president, even if he travelled from South Dakota to Wyoming to Idaho in a tour that ended Friday. He claimed he was only trying to round up support for a constitutional amendment requiring a balanced federal budget — even as fiscal issues seem to be fading in Congress.
• IN CINCINNATI: City Manager Harry Black said The Fishwrap’s public records request about pay increases for seven City of Cincinnati department heads had nothing whatsoever to do with his decision to put those pay raises on hold this week. Bankrupt Mahogany’s owner Liz Rogers says she plans to begin repaying City Over-taxed Payers that million dollars she still owes them really soon. The Holy Grail says The Blower didn’t really fearlessly predict our second expansion without a grant or loan from the City would be in that Mahogany’s space in its September 14 E-dition. Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley really still looks forward to all that cooperation from all those people on Clown-cil he helped get elected during the remainder of his four-year term. Soreheads in the Suburbs say we’re not really afraid of being murdered by thugs if we come downtown. And Stupid Streetcar Supporters say there won’t be any problem finding enough “private money” to operate Dainty Departed Mayor Mark Mallory’s Trolley Folly.
• IN HAMILTON COUNTY: “JayWalking Joe” Deters says the three years in prison that black guy Matthew Johnson got for beating the Hamilton County Prosecutor’s son during Taste of Cincinnati was too stiff a sentence. Judge Traci Hunter says she’s happy to have another day in court to prove she’s innocent of the other eight felony charges. And Hamilton County Treasurer Rob Goering says it’s OK if your jacked up property tax payment doesn’t get to his office before midnight on Ground Hog’s Day, since they’d never charge you all that interest and a penalty if your check arrives a few days late. Meanwhile, our Disingenuous Double-Dipping DemocRAT County Auditor promises not to publish your name in The Fishwrap, along with all those other deadbeats.”
• IN NORWOOD: Mayor Thomas Williams didn’t really say police officers across Obama’s America are under attack by “race-baiting black leaders and elected officials,” in an open letter to the city’s police department recently. Award-Winning Illustrator Artis Conception has a picture of  Al Sharpton telling The Blower’s new favorite Mayor: “Just Change Norwood Lateral to Obama Freeway and this will all go away.”

• OUR FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS say, “What the heck. Diversity isn’t all that important.”
• REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES say they from their bout with depression and announced that they will soon name their awards for best and worst of 2014.  Devious DemocRAT David A. Pepper, Tax Hikin’ Rick Bryan, and Campaign Expert Matheny should be up for something.
• IN SPORTS: Cincinnati Bungals owner “Millionaire Mike Brown says with Marvin Lewis still managing the team, the Bungals will be going to the Super Bowl next year. At the Cincinnati Reds, Senor Bob Castellini says his team will win at least one playoff game in 2015. And Tommy Tuberville says his UC Bearcats football team were a great team last year, since they lost to Virginia Tech by almost the same score as our National College Football Champion Ohio State Buckeyes.
• AT THE HAMILTON COUNTY BOARD OF ELECTIONS, Demo-Labor Boss Tim Burka says nobody was surprised when the Hamilton County Appellate Court ruled that the Hamilton County Board of Elections had properly ruled properly when they said Randy Simes, the owner and managing editor of UrbanCincy, could vote in Hamilton County. Losing that decision was attorney Avaricious Attorney for COAST Curt Hartman, whose clients challenged Simes’ right to vote here, for whatever in the reason that was.
• UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI: Police say there’s no problem with students’ safety in Burnet Woods, as this sign clearly shows.
• IN CLERMONT COUNTY: “Mean Jean’s” personal marionette GOP Chairman Tim Rudd denies he’s having problems  helping orchestrate our former Congresswoman’s return to politics.
• IN PATRONAGE COUNTY: People say every week when The Blower publishes one of their “Welcome Back to Patronage County” columns, we’re not really covering the news in Hamilton or Clermont Counties. 
• LOCAL CONGRESSMEN: Ohio First District Congressman Chabothead says he’s not really worried about backlash from Real Republicans after he voted to return John Boehner as Speaker of the House. So far there have been a few hundred angry phone calls containing a few dozen empty threats about finding someone to primary them in 2016 and very little else. In Ohio’s Second District, Podiatrist Congressman Bronze Star Brad WenSchmidt says he’s not worried about Clermont County Central Committee Chairman Howard Hines circulating petitions and raising money for somebody to oppose him in the 2016 primary. Kentucky Congressman Massie Thomas Massie says not only is he a TEA Party favorite, but he’ll also be getting a whole lot more local support when people find out more about his Bipartisan Industrial Hemp Bill. And House Speaker John Boehner says, “Of you can’t trust your bartender, who can you trust?”
• LOCAL SENATORS: Rob “Fighting for Fagellas” Portman says he hopes all his gay-rights supporters show up on January 31 when he’s the featured speaker at the Northeast Hamilton County Republican Party Pancake Breakfast for 19th time. Dishonest DemocRAT Senator Sherrod Brown says, “With Republicans in Control of the Senate, I really am relevant.” Republican Majority Leader Bitch McConnell says he still plans to kill ObamaCare with just 51 votes, since he’s now the Senate Majority Leader. Rand Paul says Obama’s use of Illegal Executive Action on Cuba is OK. Meanwhile, Cincinnati Clown-cil Man Stupid Street Car Six Member PJ Sitt-n-spin, who said at his fake media event announcing his wet dream senate run in Ohio that if he had a son the kid would be “gay-er” than Perverted Values Voters endorsed Rob Portman’s. And Our Astute Media Analyst says with our new Ohio DemocRAT Chairman David A. Pepper’s help, Sitt-n-Spin’s victory is assured. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, Alison Wondergams Grimes says she’ll be running for a statewide office in 2015 after her embarrassing double-digit loss to Republican Mitch McConnell in one of the country’s most-watched Senate races.
• ALSO IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders says he hasn’t yet made up his mind about running for Lieutenant Governor. Terry “the Smiling Jailer” Carl says his inmates really enjoy baloney sandwiches. Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters says he’s not really practicing law without a license. And at the Boondoggle County Hoosegow, Tri-State Muslim Terrorist Christopher Lee Cornell (whom the Judge refuses to call Raheel Mahrus Ubaydah) says he’d probably get a lot more favorable press in The Fishwrap if declared himself to be a “Transsexual Terrorist.”
• TEA PARTY PATRIOTS say they’re really getting organized this time so they can take over their county’s Central Committee by getting their people elected in every precinct.
• THE FREE GRAIN PARTY says just because their motto is “Help Yourself!” it doesn’t mean they believe in stealing everybody else’s stuff.
• IN ANDERSON: Anderson Township Trustee Andy Pappas says everybody is really worried about funding for Anderson Cable TV, wondering when ICRC will be taking it over. Andy says if only they would sell advertising, he’d like to do commercials like the one shown here for the used car lot in front of his dry cleaning store on Beechmont Avenue.
• FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane told Political Insiders, “Every day is an ‘Opposite Day’ for politicians, because you can’t trust any of those lying bastards ever to tell you the truth,” which was probably the truth, since yesterday wasn’t “Opposite Day.”

This is the Official “Opposite Day” E-dition. Any other “Opposite Day” E-dition you might possibly see is surely a fake.

MORE CUTTING EDGE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA POLITICAL CARTOONS

 

PLAGIARISM COUNT: Unattributed material was misappropriated from a measly 472 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.

TODAY’S “LIBERAL LIAR” AWARD GOES TO

Obama’s Clueless Secretary of State Imam Kerry, who is still defending the Religion of Peace, claiming Islam “utterly rejects” violence.

OPPOSITE DAY HOT LINE

e-mail your kind words today

Some insincere items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally insincere subscribers.

 WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY

Opposite Day

Note: We guarantee iPhones subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Persons of Consequence can now follow the on-going antics of the –dare we say, “mythical?”– cast of characters from The Blower’s archived columns. These articles will be Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as this brand new columnist who shares his acute and oh-so-accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Under the Influence” by James Jay Schifrin 

The big news last week in Patronage County was the grand-jury indictment of former Commission er Victor Spoils.

“It’s shocking!” said special persecutor Marvin Mandamus at a tearful press conference on the courthouse steps. “Spoils actually tried to use his influence to get a county job after he left office.”

Spoils administrative assistant denied the charges. “I’ve known Commissioner Spoils for ten years. His only fault might be that he’s too naïve and trusting of the people around him. I’m confident he’ll be cleared of any willful wrongdoing,” he declared.

But the present commissioners echoed the outrage:

Commissioner Pilfer, who arrived from his other job in a county welfare car, said, “It’s the worst case of fraud I’ve ever seen. He must’ve asked every official in the county for a job. Guys like Spoils five the system a bad name.”

Commissioner Filch returned from the Inauguration in Washington in time to meet the press. “How disgusting,” he said. No wonder the taxpayers of Patronage County think we’re all a bunch of crooks.”

Commissioner Swindle, who defeated Spoils in the November election, said, that he hated to see this happen to anyone, even a Democrat. But he added, “If we don’t draw the line, the next thing you know, people will be conducting political campaigns from the courthouse.”

Then they all agreed, “We wouldn’t be surprised if Spoils had been using his influence the whole time he’d been in office.”

Spoils was dragged out kicking and screaming. Then they ran him out of town on a rail. He offered no apologies. But in an exclusive interview with TV anchorman Rick Schottleclooney, Spoils asked a curious question that no one has been able to answer.

“Damn!” he said. “If I’d been using my influence all these years, why would I need a job?”

This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press on February 4. 1980.

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