Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Waiting for More Retaliations

At Today’s Meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders will certainly be asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane what sort of backlash he sees in store from Real Republicans for Chabothead and WenSchmidt after they voted to return John Boehner as Speaker of the House.

“A few hundred angry phone calls containing a few dozen empty threats about finding someone to primary them in 2016 and very little else,” would be Kane’s explanation, which explains why the two Southwest Ohio GOP Congressmen voted the way they did. Remember Albert Einstein’s definition of Insanity. All together now: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Anderson TEA Party Warrior Princess Suezilla Hardenberg says Tuesday, Republican leaders infuriated Conservatives even further by meting out punishment to that group of 26 far-right GOP lawmakers who tried to oust House Speaker John Boehner by removing two of those members from a key committee.

Our Astute Media Analyst Reminds says it reminds him of the primary in 2014 when Limbaugh, Hannity, FoxNews, and TEA Partiers of every stripe were all talking up the challenge to Boehner. He got 70% without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, Eric Cantor got his ass handed to him and not one of those pontificating blowhards saw it coming. Campaigns involve real work, not just endless blather designed to work the gullible into a frenzy. Watching FauxNews and listening to talk radio is like tuning into televangelists in the 1980s. They tell you what you want to hear and laugh all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, nothing changes for you, or all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Him In The White House—Twice.

Meanwhile, Photo-Shop Editorial Spoofer Edward Cropper shows “What a Pawn Shop Has That A Republican House Doesn’t Have” You can see more of Mr. Cropper’s fine work HERE.

In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says ”High praise goes to Congressman Thomas Massie, a real Conservative leader. We need more like him in our country. Thank you Thomas!”

The Muckraker understands our Clermont County Cronies also want WenSchmidt’s head for supporting our Tax-and-Spend Speaker who fully funded Obamaphones for another year. Have they already begun circulating a “Bring Back Mean Jean” Petition? Maybe not, since “Mean Jean’s” campaign manager Barry Bennett has set up an organization to get millions from Obamaphones. (See more about that story HERE)

Improving With Age

Guests have already arrived for today’s celebrity lunch for Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s “significant” birthday that was supposed to be a surprise. Miss Vicki sent him an e-card, our Presidential Scholar said “Happy Birthday on his iPhone, but our Virtual Redhead Vivacious Vicky was not the first person to leave birthday greetings on Kane’s Faux Facebook Page. On the other hand, Mrs. Kane even invited her wonderful husband to lunch because Uno’s had a birthday special and a $10-off Birthday Coupon. The missus must’ve had a cancellation. And those birthday text messages from Obama and Beechmont Toyota were really special. Kane’s former assistant “Cratchit” sent gold, frankincense, and myrrh. How appropriate was that? But the bad news is: for the past five years, our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher has no longer been a “sextegenarian.” We suppose that now makes him an “over-sexed-tegenearian,” at least in his own mind, says the missus.
And after that Muslim attack on Free Speech in France, where Murdering Muslims targeted a specific type of speech that is known as “sarcasm,” Homeland Security began protecting institutional Sarcastic Free Speech here in United States by putting an illegal alien rent-a-cop outside the undisclosed location of Kane’s Celebrity Birthday Lunch today. Meanwhile, our “Liberals Tell the Stupidest Lies” Award Committee reports every Obama Supporter in the Press couldn’t stop repeating the Obama White House claim that Islam is a religion of peace, although others may rush to judgement the White House was not willing to call those Murdering Muslims “terrorists.”
The Blower remembers when Maurice Chevalier said “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”
So how did the Incredibly Shrinking Fishwrap celebrate Kane’s Birthday Bash this year? What could be better than a picture of John Boehner trying to stick his tongue in Nancy Pelosi’s ear? Which was better than last year, when we couldn’t even see it on the internet, because of that “temporary service interruption in our area” Time Warner apologized for each of the 87 times we called, especially when we told them we couldn’t even get to our home page on the internet, because it was Time Warner’s Roadrunner.com. Oh, the Irony!
Hurley the Historian says on January 7, 1999, Kane got a great birthday present when the the impeachment trial began in the Senate for Pants-Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton, who’d been formally charged with lying under oath and obstructing justice.
24 years ago, The Whistleblower was counting down the days until the next election, like when we reported that Ken Blackwell’s ‘92 campaign against Charlie Luken had already begun.
Recently, The Blower explained the origin of “Colder than a witch’s tit” and “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”
Yesterday our Local 12 Weather Authority was sending one of lily white reporters to Bond Hill to ask one of da brothers how cold a motherfucker really is.
And how about all those freakin’ “Cancellations” whenever it’s cold? You can’t enjoy watching TV seeing all those places being closed because of the weather. The Blower says wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to assume everything was closed and then let them just announce the couple of places that were open? Bobby Leach says “Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.”
And why do they have to close all the schools anyway? It’s not because of the weather. It’s because of their lawyers. Schools don’t want to get sued for a million dollars every time some little bastard slips on the ice, because they couldn’t clear the student parking lot.
Working parents always have to scramble to find babysitters, mistakenly thinking their wonderful children would be back in school after being home during the holiday vacations.
BREAKING NEWS: One of our Whistleblower Interns found a new use for duct tape. He put it across the bottom of his TV screen so he didn’t have to watch all those school closings. Wouldn’t it be easier just to announce what’s still open? Or how just about flashing a message that says: “Everything’s closed. Stay home, Stupid!
Would you like to see why it takes the City of Cincinnati so long to get the snow off the streets? Touch on the picture and see your over-taxed dollars at work.
Anderson Trustee President “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says, “We don’t have to declare ice or snow emergencies in our affluent community, because all our township roads are heated.” Trustee Andy Pappas says he’ll get the last roll of toilet paper in Kroger’s at the Anderson Food Court. And whenever it’s really cold, Disgraced and Defeated Former Dis-Trustee Kevin O’Brien might even be seen with his hands in his own pockets, instead of one of his investment client’s. One of the Sheriff’s Department “Citizens on Patrol” reported she saw a couple eating each other in one of the parked cars at the Food Court, but snow flurries had only just started and the woman didn’t think the couple in the car were really cannibals.
Whistleblower Weather Watcher Tino Delgato sent us this Native American Indian Weather Broadcast straight off of a reservation TV station in North Dakota: Finally, we have a weather report that doesn’t take 10 minutes to explain with multiple graphics and words that you have no clue as to what they mean. This is direct and to the point!

Meanwhile, Duffy “The Doppler Slayer” Beischel says is God really being sued because of climate change. If you don’t believe it, read this!
Remember last week when Bunky Tadwell sent us a copy of his poem entitled “Winter” that simply said, “Jesus H. Christ, it’s cold out there! (The end)?” Well today, the Bard of Cleves has a fast four-liner about our climate:

They say there is Global Warming,
But if I may be so crass;
This friggin’ Global Warming,
Is really freezing my ass!

The only thing better than owning a snow blower during the winter would be if your next door neighbor Bob didn’t have to go into work, and he’d just bought a brand new snow blower, and he was begging you to let him try it out on your driveway.
And what about the City of Cincinnati’s so-called “Snow Plan?” We remember a few years ago when they told everybody to let their employees go home early and turned the normal three-hour afternoon drive period time into an eight-hour ordeal for everybody, and folks waiting at home could watch every excruciating moment on the Artimis web site. And did all those folks who shivered on Metro busses with no heat for more than three hours just to get home from downtown, at least get a partial refund?
You can get your own used copy of “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Global Warming and Environmentalism” for free (except for a paltry $13.95 for shipping and handling) if you join the Conservative Book Club.
In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says, “What a bunch of wussies! Three flakes of snow and the Boondoggle County Snow Plow Drivers Training Classes were called off.”
Also in NoKy, the CamBoozler says some people couldn’t attend our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher’s Surprise Birthday Bash at noon today because of the weather, especially those fat-assed folks from Fort Thomas with over-stuffed grocery carts at the Kroger store in Newport stocking up before the arrival of the Polar Vortex.
But a bigger reason was because tomorrow is Elvis’ Birthday, and all the schools and government offices could still be closed because of the weather. Pictured here is a picture of the winner of this year’s Whistleblower Elvis Look-a-like Contest.