Saturday, December 20, 2014

Checking the O-Meter

According to Obama’s Orgasm Czar Cliticia von Climax, Sunday is World Orgasm for Peace Day, and tonight on Winter Solstice Eve, Obama even plans to go on TV to announce that all his Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Him In The White House—Twice, who want an Orgasm, can keep it. But also at last night at our Good Friend Kenton Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders’ Eighth Annual Christmas Party at Jer Zees Pub and Grub at 708 Monmouth Street in Newport, word came that if there isn’t maximum participation across the nation, it probably won’t be an entirely pleasurable experience for everyone involved. For example…

BARRACK OBAMA, whose wife Michelle beat the hell out of him after she read that National Enquirer story about Obama’s Secret Love Nest, won’t have an orgasm during his entire 16-day over-taxed payer vacation in Hawaii.
HARRY REID, who says he won’t be able to screw Republicans in the Senate in 2015 the way he did in 2014, won’t have an orgasm.
VULNERABLE DEMOCRATS IN 2014, who lost running on Amnesty and ObamaCare, won’t have an orgasm.
POLLSTERS, getting tired of announcing results every day reporting Obama’s hit a new low, won’t have an orgasm.
WINNERS OF “LIBERALS TELL THE STUPIDEST LIES” AWARD, who are so busy covering up, won’t have an orgasm.
JOHN BOEHNER, who won’t even get a chance to try a little make-up sex with his constituents after ramming through his $1.1 Trillion “cromnibus bill,” won’t have an orgasm.
“BRONZE STAR BRAD” WENSTRUP, who along with Steve Chabothead, is still getting hammered by his constituents for rubber-stamping Boehner’s $1.1 Trillion “Cromnibus bill,” won’t have an orgasm.
STEVE CHABOTHEAD, who thanked The Blower for remembering he was one of Slick Willie’s Impeachment Managers, won’t have an orgasm.
“MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT, who’s wondering how many people plan to show up at her Christmas Party just to hear about her plans to return to politics, won’t have an orgasm.
ROB “FIGHTING FOR SAME-SEX MARRIAGE” PORTMAN, who says “I really didn’t want to run for president anyway,” won’t have an orgasm.
DAVID A. PEPPER, who plans to show all those other Dishonest DemocRATS in Ohio how to continue their losing ways in 2015 and 2016, won’t have an orgasm.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN, who says on this date in 1970, rock star Elvis Presley was drafted, won’t have an orgasm.
FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS, who are waiting for the next round of firings, won’t have an orgasm.
DIMINUTIVE DEMOCRAT MAYOR-ELECT JOHN CRANLEY, who says he can hardly wait to start planning the next phase of that stupid streetcar, won’t have an orgasm.
VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN who lied to get elected, won’t have an orgasm.
P.G.SITT-N-SPIN, who told both sides he supported them just to get the most votes, won’t have an orgasm.
CLOWNCILMAN KEVIN FLYNN-FLAM, who stabbed Cranley in the back after Cranley helped get him get elected, won’t have an orgasm.
CLOWNCILMAN SMLP SMITHERMOUTH, who says “The problem with some politicians these days is after they’ve been bought, they don’t stay bought,” won’t have an orgasm.
CLOWNCIL GAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK, who says, “You know you’re having great sex when you know you won’t be able to sit down afterwards,” won’t have an orgasm.
HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP, who says “See what happens when you don’t have any Republicans candidates running for Mayor or City Clowncil,” won’t have an orgasm.
HAMILTON COUNTY DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA, who says questioning “JayWalking Joe” Deters about his address was “Not Political,” won’t have an orgasm.
DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY COMMISSIONER ODD TODD OPPORTUNE, who says, “Please stop laughing when I tell you I’m thinking about running for Governor again,” won’t have an orgasm.
CONVICTED-AND-SENTENCED BLACK DEMOCRAT EX-JUVIE JUDGE TRACI HUNTER, who wants mean-spirited Republicans on the First District Ohio Appeals Court to postpone her sentence during the Seven Days of Kwanzaa after she disregarded all of their contempt orders,” won’t have an orgasm.
DOWNTOWN PANHANDLERS, who say, “We can’t wait till we can ride around in a nice warm streetcar during the winter,” won’t have an orgasm.
APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS, who still have exactly the kind of government they deserve, won’t have an orgasm.
COAST’S LITIGIOUS LAWYER CHRIS FINNEY, who says “People really liked paying for the own food and drinks at my Chintzy Christmas Party,” won’t have an orgasm.
HAMILTON COUNTY’S DISINGENUOUS DOUBLE-DIPPING DEMOCRAT AUDITOR, who says, “Wait till you see the screwing you got when you read the “New Property Values” I just made up for your house, won’t have an orgasm.
FORREST GUMP SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT “SMILING DALLAS” JACKSON, who says “Now I can do whatever I want with all of that $103 million Tax Hike money that will really cost dumbed-down voters $170 million, won’t have an orgasm.
ANDERSON TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE JOSH GERTH AND ANDERSON TEA PARTY GUY ANDY PAPPAS, hoping voters will forgive them for selling them out on the School Tax Hike Scam when they save overtaxed payers all that money by closing down the Anderson Community Cable Station, won’t have an orgasm.
TEA PARTY PATRIOTS, who are now questioning the wisdom of allowing themselves to be absorbed by their local RINO Parties, won’t have an orgasm.
STATE REP-TILE PETER “THE BEST LEGISLATOR MONEY COULD BUY” $TAUTBERG, who hasn’t had an orgasm ever since he lost this year’s primary to “Taxkiller Tom” Brinkman, won’t have an orgasm.
BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO, who says “World Orgasm for Peace Day” should be a real holiday, since nobody’s going to get any work done anyway, won’t have an orgasm.
OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE, who chose Mae West’s “An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away,” won’t have an orgasm.
KENTUCKY SENATOR RAND PAUL, who doesn’t realize it’s not the US Embargo that’s hurting the Cubans, it’s the dictators, won’t have an organism.
ALISON WONDERGAMS GRIMES, who’ threatening to take Rand Paul to court to block him from running for president and reelection to the Senate at the same time in 2016, won’t have an orgasm.
KENTUCKY U.S. SENATOR BITCH MCCONNELL, who promises to be “Really Conservative,” when he gets to be Senate Majority Leader next year, won’t have an orgasm.
MCCONNELL’S UNSUCCESSFUL TEA PARTY CHALLENGER MATT BEVIN, who still argues, “No he isn’t,” won’t have an orgasm.
RICK “THE BATBOY” ROBINSON, who forgot to call us to sing Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song last night on the Fourth Night of Hanukkah,” won’t have an orgasm.
ATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH, who can’t wait till Hillary announces she’s running for president so he can start raising money for her campaign, won’t have an orgasm.
THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS STILL OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS INCLUDING LOVELY LISA WELLS (THE ATTORNEY WHO REPLACED CRAZY ERIC ON WLW HATE RADIO), who wonder wonders if “Crazy Eric” is still leaving a trail of victims in his wake, including clients and revolving-door “partners,” not paying judgments against him, and appears to be illegally practicing law, won’t have an orgasm.
OUR GOOD FRIEND, KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS, who says people depicted in my newsletter don’t have orgasms unless it’s really dark, won’t have an orgasm.
“TRISH THE DISH,” who wonders if you’re supposed to have Orgasms to celebrate the Summer Solstice too, won’t have an orgasm.
FINALLY, BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE, who says “When my doctor told me I had to give up half my sex life and I said which half, dreaming about it or talking about it,” won’t have an orgasm.

REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.

More Conservative Christmas Cartoons

WORLD ORGASM FOR PEACE HOT LINE

e-mail your engraved invitations today.

Some vile-and-disgusting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers.

WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY

Merry Christmas, Bitch!

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Persons of Consequence can now follow the on-going antics of the –dare we say, “mythical?”– cast of characters from The Blower’s archived columns. These articles will be Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as this brand new columnist who shares his acute and oh-so-accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Another Exclusive” by James Jay Schifrin

Last week in Patronage County, Senator Mudslinger called his administrative assistant into his office. “Mr. Jackal,” the senator roared. “Go out and buy me a reporter.”

“A reporter, sir?”

“That’s right, Jackal—every politician needs at least one reporter to call his own.”

“But, senator. The last thing you need is one more reporter digging up dirt on you. The FBI caught you red-handed. You were a star on ABSCAM Camera for weeks.”

“The best defense is a good offense. I want somebody to ask easy questions so I’ll look good in the media for a change.”

“Where are we going to find a reporter like that?”

“Television reporters are best. They’re more interested in their hair spray than digging for the facts of a story.”

“How about a woman reporter?”

“Perfect, Jackal. They’re used to being bought. You’ve seen me do it a million times.”

“Do you have somebody in mind? How about the chick that does the newsbreaks on the Nitwitness News—where she’s sitting in the news room teaching guys how to type with two fingers.”

“No, Jackal, try the station with the vulture painted on the side of its helicopter. Call Betty Flaque, the girl who starts every report with ‘Tonight for my first exclusive…Remember last month when she announced that the world was round”

“But how can she really help us, Senator? Have you forgotten the ABSCAM hearings? You got your supeona this morning. How can she possibly make you look good?”

“We’ll leak her that juicy rumor about how my opponent impersonated me accepting money from rich Arab businessmen in front of the FBI cameras.”

“Nobody’s stupid enough to believe that, Senator. The newspapers laughed at you when you tried to get them to use it.”

“That’s why I want you to call Betty Flaque. A little flattery about her work, some patronizing remark about womens’ lib, and she’ll forget everything she ever knew about reporting.”

“And if that doesn’t work, Senator?”

“Then maybe a pat on the fanny would do the job.”

This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on December 10, 1980.

Whistleblower Newswire

Some of the News They Seem to Lose

Official “World Orgasm for Peace Day” E-dition