Saturday, August 30, 2014
Pollution-Fest is Coming
If you’re running a small company and you’re even thinking about depositing a little waste into the Ohio River, the full force of the Obama Administration will come down upon your miserable pollution-loving ass. You’ll be threatened, harassed, protested against, fined, and maybe even thrown in jail.
Billions of dollars have been spent to clean up that river. The Metropolitan Sewer District is constantly raising your rates to purify the water before they’ll even put it back into the river.
But when it’s time for the Annual Labor Day Pollution-Fest this weekend, they’ll be dumping tons of crap into the river. After days of non-stop media hype, they’ll even put it on live TV for the whole Tri-state to see, along with music especially prepared for the occasion. Crowds of people who were too stupid to stay home and watch free fireworks on TV will cheer wildly from both sides of the river as it happens.
The Blower calls it just another diversion for all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice.
But here’s one thing they didn’t do: They didn’t dare ask the EPA bureaucRATS, the Sierra Club, the Audubon Society, Environmentalists Against Bush, Friends of the Catfish, Rivers Unlimited, Racist Black Boycotters, or PETA nudists to protest this one.
There will be no smog alerts Sunday night when all that pyrotechnic pollution covers our beautiful river valley.
No tear was shed for aquatic life when the entire residue will be unceremoniously dumped into the river.
No one will complain about how much over-taxed payers’ money will be spent to clean up the tons of trash afterwards.
Did you ever wonder why the environmental whackos will take a night off as the environment-be-damned crowd takes over and blows off their silly fireworks to pollute the land, water, and air? That’s probably why our Quote for Today Committee chose Robert Orben’s: “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.”
You can thank Cheap Channel Broadcasting. Those Greedy Weasels are pollution experts. They’ve been fouling the air waves for years. No wonder Toyota bailed out after the 2006 fireworks show.
“That’s right,” says Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo. “If P&G’s Riverfest is supposed to be such a BFD family event, why do WEBN’s family values announcers encourage women of low moral character passing in boats to show them their big breasts?”
WEBN should announce they have a “SUPRISE LOCATION” for a new round of explosions at Pollution-fest. Maybe the tree frog people could blow up Avondale, Evanston, Mt. Washington, some parts of Norwood, Price Hill, Lower Clifton, and the Killing Fields of Over-the-Rhine. That would make for a great Labor Day week-end! None of those people work anyway. Think of it: if they blow-up the 25% of the City that doesn’t work, we could eliminate unemployment, social programs, food pantries, and the homeless. After all, the Liberal solution to the poverty rate in Cincinnati is to tax the people who work even more until they leave too.
Hurley the Historian says fireworks date back to 7th century China, where they were invented; Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says according to Jeff Foxworthy, you know you’re a redneck if your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand; and Three-Fingers Finnegan says, “Watch out for those cherry bombs.”
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
POLLUTION-FEST HOT LINE
e-mail your political pyrotechnics today.
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers, like this tasteful photograph actually taken at a WEBN Radio audition.
Note: This is NOT just another one of Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters’ clients who claims she’s not in it for the publicity.
Breaking News
WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY
One of Our All-Time Favorite Fireworks Shows
(Sent in by the Rozzi Fireworks Team.)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
“Labor Daze” By James Jay Schifrin
This week our Patronage County Commissioners were talking about why the Labor Day weekend doesn’t seem to be such a big deal these days.
“Shouldn’t they just call it “Union Day?” asked Commissioner Filch. “They seem to be the only ones celebrating it.”
“What’s to celebrate during the Obama Administration?” asked Commissioner Pilfer. “Obama promised to focus like laser on jobs before he was elected and more Americans are not working today than ever before.”
“But the White House says Obama thinks about it a lot when he’s attending fund-raisers, playing golf, or on vacation,” said Commissioner Swindle. “So much for honoring American workers!”
“Sitting in traffic jams during holiday weekends even costs more during the Age of Obama,” said Commissioner Filch. “Gasoline prices are still double what they were when he came into office.”
“Unions have really been having their problems too,” added Commissioner Pilfer.
“Those dishonest public employee union leaders in Cincinnati lining their own pockets must be great for morale,” laughed Commissioner Swindle.
“Kids used to go back to school right after Labor Day,” Commissioner Filch explained. “That’s the big reason parents always celebrated the holiday.”
“So what’s important about Labor Day this year?” Commissioner Swindle asked.
“It’s just another day off with pay,” Commissioner Pilfer said.
“Who’s the featured speaker at the big Labor Day picnic on Monday?” asked Commissioner Filch.
“They’re not publicizing any big names,” explained Commissioner Swindle. “So people will probably only be going there for the free stuff.”
This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.
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