Saturday, August 2, 2014
But We Still Haven’t Seen His Damn Birth Certificate
Monday is Obama’s 53rd Birthday, and all over America Obsessive Obama Supporters like Tom and Rose are busy signing that e-mail card to help Obama celebrate and to let him know we’re all still out here fighting alongside him. But the problem is, every time you try to sign it, they ask you for another damn donation.
All over the world, Obama’s friends are planning to celebrate too, especially all those Murdering Muslim Terrorists. Obama’s State Department even issued a worldwide travel ban, and Obama’s Secretary of State John Kerry says U.S. Embassies across the Middle East will be shut down on Monday to celebrate Obama’s Birthday. And as the world burns, Obama was partying with Pop Star Katy Perry at the White House on Thursday night.- And just think, there are only the 902 more Days of Dishonesty for America remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached. The Blower says we should all live that long.
- 92,001,000 Americans are now Not Working. That number has only increased 11,472,000 since Obama came into office.
KERRY’S TRUCE KRUMBLES: That 72-hour ceasefire between Israel and Hamas brokered by Obama’s Clueless Secretary of State John Kerry expolded just 90 minutes into the “unconditional humanitarian ceasefire” Kerry had announced. Hamas terrorists emerged one of their mnay terror tunnels, detonated a suicide bomb, and took one Israeli soldier back through that tunnel. Hamas broke Kerry’s Truce with 70 and a half hours still left on the three-day clock. Friday afternoon, Obama called on Hamas to release the Israeli soldier. No word about how much ransom Obama was willing to pay or if his #GiveUsBackOurJew Tweet was working. And when IsraellyCool showed that picture of an Israeli Soldier helping a starving mentally ill Palestinian man who’d been chained to a building by Hamas, was the UN really still claiming they don’t use civilian shields?
BIDEN IN THE BUFF: In “The First Family Detail,” author Ronald Kessler quotes unnamed Secret Service agents dishing about the supposedly “hidden lives” of Presidents and the other important people they protect. Kessler says Secret Service agents dread being assigned to protect Obama’s Doofus Vice President Joe Biden, in part because Biden’s a big fan of skinny dipping.- TODAY’S LIBERALS SAY THE STUPIDEST THINGS: Obama’s Doofus Vice President Joe Biden’s “The number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S.”
Which is almost as stupid as yesterday when veteran Political Commentator Dick Morris said, “If I open the newspaper tomorrow and I learned that Obama resigned, I wouldn’t be surprised.”
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1990, Iraq invaded Kuwait. Whatever happened to that Saddam Hussein guy anyhow? Hurley also remembers two years ago when Republicans delivered this birthday cake to the DNC in honor of President Obama’s upcoming 51st birthday. But the GOP was a lot more creative that year, since there was a presidential campaign going on at the time, any they all thought Mitt Romney would still be in the White House today.
Meanwhile, Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says two years ago on August 3 when the Reds were winning, Reds Broadcaster Marty Brennaman was willing to have his head shaved at Great American Ball Park for charity. This year, Marty says they could shave his balls on TV if Bryan’s Boys would only learn how to get a few hits with runners in scoring position. FurBall also say watching the Reds is so depressing this year, the Reds beat the Miami Marlins 3-1 Thursday night and he forgot to watch the game.
- CLOWNS IN CONGRESS: Everybody’s wondering if John Boehner’s having any luck piecing together a new version of his Border Blunder Bill before lawmakers skedaddle for August recess. Everybody knows this last ditch Amnesty Bill is going nowhere, and that goes double for Harry Reid and his deceitful DemocRATS, who’ve already ditched DC, not to return until after Labor Day. Meanwhile in Greater Cincinnati, everybody’s wondering how many illegal immigrants are coming here.
That’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Obama’s “While they’re out on vacation, I’m going to have to make some tough choices to meet the challenge, with or without Congress.” What could possibly go wrong with that?
THE MUCKRAKER says since it’s now August, Warner Business Class Customers are being gouged $7.50-per-phone line for a so-called “Federal Subscriber Line Charge,” and if astute business customers aren’t already complaining, they soon will be.- COME ON DOWN: Thursday night at the Drop in Shelter near Music Hall last night, the men were all standing around studying their ‘Bama phones! Were they:
1. Looking for a Local Drug deals
2. Checking in with their parole officer, or
3. Waiting on that top shelf J-O-B?
4. Trying to hook up with a skank on Whores ‘R Us
- SEX IN SCHOOLS: Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters announced the indictment of former Scarlet Oaks culinary teacher Dan Knecht for only having sex with three students. In an Exclusive Interview, “The Jaywalker told The Blower, “The investigation started when a student who was not having sex with the teacher reported it.”
- CLERMONT COPULATORS weren’t really surprised when an appeals court no doubt confirmed a lower court decision against former Pierce Township Police Chief James T. Smith (known to Blower readers as “Inspector Clouseau”) and former township law director Frances Kelly, when they were caught in the throes of passion in Smith’s office during the Memorial Day weekend in 2011. “I just wanted to be loved,” said “Inspector Clouseau,” “Is there anything wrong with that?”
IN ANDERSON: Free Grain Party Members were lined up all the way to the Anderson Center Friday afternoon waiting for Saturday’s “Absolutely FREE” Garage Sale at the Zion Lutheran Church at Salem and Birney, scheduled between 10 AM and 12:30 PM. No kidding. Besides all that “Absolutely FREE Stuff” from your neighbors’ garages, there’ll be Absolutely FREE Hot Dogs, Cold Drinks, Hair Cuts, Car Washes, Blood Pressure Checks, Help, and Prayers.” And they now promise you won’t have to convert.- IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says, “We’re off on the Road to Paducah” to hear all that political palaver at the Annual Fancy Farm Picnic. Political Junkies will be coming from all over the state to see the most expensive U.S. Senate Candidates in History when GOP Senate Minority Leader Bitch McConnell and Ditzy DemocRAT Alison Wondergams Grimes take the stage. TEA Party Patriots with bullhorns are hoping for a Civility Free Event. The Blower can hardly wait to meet Fake Senate Candidate “Honest Gil” Fulbright, since Forgetful Fishwrapper Scott Wartman doesn’t seem to be following the Fake Senate Candidate too closely.
How do you get to Fancy Farm anyway? Five hours and 19 minutes sounds like a long way to drive the 361 miles for the Meaningless Annual Bluegrass Political Theatre Event, especially when you can see those same self-serving speeches live on Saturday, August 2 at 2:30 (1:30 pm CT) on KET and online here and at KET.org/live.
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders asked Charles Foster Kane if he would be personally attending at the Fancy Farm Picnic in God Know Where, Kentucky today. “You bet!” said Kane, “As the official voice of the Conservative Agenda and the publication of record for all the political scrambling, speculation, mud-slinging, and back-stabbing in the Tri-State, our readers know to expect nothing less.” Unless, of course he wasn’t finished with his free haircut at the “Absolutely FREE” Garage Sale at the Zion Lutheran Church near Muckraker Estates in Anderson.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Disgraced Toe-Sucker Dick Morris.
WHISTLEBLOWER MUCKRAKING HOT LINE
e-mail your sleazy sewage today.
Some muckraking items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally muckraking subscribers, but we could always use more.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Breaking News : Serious Threat shuts down U.S. Embassies on Obama’s Birthday (Aug 01, 2013)
(Sent in by Muslim Sympathizer Awan Afuqya.)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
“Spics and Scams” By James Jay Schifrin
This week our Patronage County Commissioners were talking about the best way to exploit Amnesty for Illegal Immigrants right here in Patronage County.
“Voters think Obama is doing a really poor job handling the latest immigration crisis and believe he wants to let most of the new illegal immigrants stay here despite majority support for their quick deportation,” said Commissioner Filch.
“Right,” interrupted Commissioner Swindle. “And even those Liberals who claim we should let all those illegal immigrants stay in the country wouldn’t agree to let any of them stay in own homes.”
“The usual Liberal Hypocrisy,” said Commissioner Pilfer. “But have you seen how many millions of dollars the Obama Administration is willing to spend on all those detainees? That new revamped ICE Detention Center in Texas offers suites with flat-screen TVs to Illeal Aliens, calls Detainees ‘Residents,’ and Guards are called ‘Resident Advisors.’ Even the facility itself is referred to as a ‘Resident Center” rather than a Detention Center.”
“The amenities don’t stop there,” Swindle added. “Families will be given a health examination upon arrival along with six sets of fresh clothing for each member. Medical attention will be available at all times and residents will have access to a dentist.”
“Other amenities include recreational fields, a library, internet access, and a cafeteria which will serve Illegals three all-you-can-eat meals a day,” said Commissioner Filch. “Plus, certified teachers will also be on site to provide year-round education and small jobs will also be available paying Illegals $3-a day four hours of work.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Commissioner Pilfer. “How can we get some of those Federal Family Friendly Funds right here in Patronage County?”
“I’m not sure,” said Commissioner Swindle. “But somebody better call Patronage County Sheriff Buford Flogg immediately, before he tries to get himself a lot of publicity by telling our friends at the Patronage County Innuendo he sent a $68 bill to Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto to cover what he claims it cost to keep an one of his Mexican citizens in the drunk tank overnight when your Illegal Alien Gardener Emanuel got picked up for pissing on the soccer field because the line at the Portolet was too long.”
This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.
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