Saturday, July 12, 2014

Understanding Our Disclaimers

In a recent e-dition, The Whistleblower published comments from two guys who were shocked that one of our snitches had not told us the unvarnished truth. One of the e-mailers (the guy who quoted Hitler) must not have been a Person of Consequence, since he obviously didn’t know how The Blower works.

Because unlike other media blogs, which pretend to care about maintaining a dose of civility, The Whistleblower might still contain unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, vulgar, pornographic, profane, or even indecent information.

Sometimes The Blower uses racial and ethnic slurs to show that bigotry of any kind is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a total retard.
Sometimes The Blower uses gay bashing to show that intolerance of any kind is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a real flamer, or somebody who just found out his son is afflicted with the gayness.
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of dead people to show that necrophilia in public is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a stiff.
Sometimes The Blower questions a person’s motives to show that dishonesty of any kind is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t an elected official.
And sometimes The Blower even borrows a phrase to show that plagiarism of any kind is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t on the Idiotorial Board at the Morning Fishwrap.

Previously We’ve Used Three Basic Disclaimers

The First says: “This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental.”
The Second says: “This publication is a not work of fiction. No names have been changed to protect the innocent. Screw the innocent!”
And for Balance, the Third says: “This publication is sometimes a work of fiction, but it may still contain inappropriate remarks and unsupported personal attacks.”

Also, you must understand that The Whistleblower Newswire is a dramatization drawn from a variety of sources, including the 9/11Commission Report and other published materials and from personal interviews. Inspired by incredibly true stories, The Blower is not a documentary, nor is it authorized by the Commissioner of Baseball. For dramatic and narrative purposes The Blower contains fictionalized scenes, composite and representative characters and dialogue, as well as time compression.

Let’s face it, folks: Sometimes we just make stuff up, and sometimes we don’t, and the fun for most Persons of Consequence who’ve groveled to get on our e-mail list has always been trying to figure out which is which.

The reason for some people’s entire existence is to whine about having their feelings hurt, and you must admit we’re doing our best to accommodate them. We try to use every bit of the First Amendment and then some.

Blower E-ditions are intended for the addressee shown. They contain information that is confidential and protected from disclosure. Any review, dissemination or use of this transmission or its contents by persons or unauthorized employees of the intended organizations are strictly prohibited. The contents of this e-mail do not necessarily represent the views or policies of The Whistleblower, its staff, or management.
Now it’s time to reaffirm Our Beloved Whistleblower Motto (Let’s all say it together): “Because wherever there’s corruption, we’ll be there. Wherever there’s injustice, we’ll be there. And wherever there’s a bunch of big guys beating up on a little guy, we’ll be there too…holding the little guy down, and that goes double for Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters (who unsuccessfully sued us for defamation), Anderson Township’s Masturbating Trustee Kevin O’Brien (whom we hounded out of office just for fun), and Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP (who is still wandering in the wilderness).

Remember what Wild-and-Crazy Steve Martin (the comedian, not the judge) used to say: “An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! It’s beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.”

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1984, DemocRAT Presidential Candidate Walter Mondale named Geraldine Ferraro as his vice-presidential running mate, and women in politics have been an embarrassment ever since, almost as much as the men.
THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Geraldine Ferraro’s “President Reagan’s one-liners were terrific.”
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane who was the most embarrassing female politician he had ever met. “Surely, you jest,” Kane quipped. And then he unbuttoned his shirt.

WHISTLEBLOWER MOTTO HOT LINE

e-mail names of people you’d like to see pummeled today.

Some unapologetic items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers.

Whistleblower Video of the Day

Maybe We Should Use a Disclaimer Like This

(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Steve Martin (The Judge, Not the Comedian.)

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

“Political Promotion” By James Jay Schifrin

Last week the Patronage County Commissioners considered a proposal to generate a little extra income for some needy people at the courthouse. Swindle Advertising was awarded the right to sell advertising displays on rest room walls in all county buildings.

The proposal was an inspiration of Commissioner Sidney Swindle, and worked its way up through County Ombudsman Sidney Swindle, Jr., to the Patronage County Administrator.

In the proposal, the younger Swindle wrote: “I know that with my father’s leadership at the courthouse, this county is going to be rebuilt and strengthened. We at Swindle Advertising want to be involved in this process.”

“Great idea,” agreed Commissioner Filch. “Besides rest room walls, think of all the other places we can sell ads. Lawyers and bail bondsmen could advertise in courtrooms. Funeral directors could hand out cards at the Coroner’s Office. Locksmiths could give demonstration at the workhouse. Body shops could give estimates at the auto license bureau. We could even advertise the commissioners’ office 3-cents-per-copy Xerox service.”

Rising to the occasion, Commissioner Pilfer declared, “Prostitutes could pay us to have their pictures and phone numbers painted on paddy wagons. The Prosecutor’s Office has some useless space, X-rated movie posters could go on his walls. In Probate Court, gold-and-silver exchanges could offer “Probate Rebates,” and he continued enthusiastically, “Public employees could walk around wearing sandwich boards when they’re not working.”

“Wait a minute,” interrupted Commissioner Filch. “Isn’t all this illegal?”

“No problem,” assured Commissioner Swindle. “We’ll just tell people about our budget problems. Nobody will ever notice.”

Another public building they could use for advertising is the sewage treatment plant. Political ads would go their quite nicely.

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols. In fact, it appeared as part of The Muckraker series, in something called The Zinzinnati News in July 1981 (whatever the hell that was).

Whistleblower Newswire

Some of the News They Seem to Lose

Special “Diabolical Disclaimers” E-dition