SATURDAY, MAY 24, 2014

Your Taste Buds Will Tingle

• Where will the Distaste of Cincinnati be this weekend? As usual, the Distaste of America’s Worst Run City will be downtown. But scared suburbanites still don’t need Demon Lynchmob, Rhymin’ Reverends, Ken “Mad Dawg” Lawson, SMLP Smithermouth, producers of “Cops,” Cincinnati’s Former Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory, Disgruntled DemocRAT Fake Judge Tracie Hunter, or the rest of Judge Mr$. $tan Che$ley’s political posse of racial terrorists to tell them to stay away. They will figure that out for themselves, simply because it’s a really overrated event. Urging black people to stay away is not much of a threat. In fact, if Black Boycotter Nate “Rhymes With Hate” Livingston could positively guarantee no Negros would ever show up, downtown crowds would undoubtedly double.
• This year, Liz Roger’s Over-Taxed Payer Subsidized Million Dollar Soul Food Bistro has a booth so black folks can feel more welcome.
• H. L. Mencken once remarked that “nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” That goes triple for the tri-state. Remember, these are the same foolish folks who actually voted to spend a billion dollars for a football stadium to be used ten times a year by a team that just couldn’t be hyped enough.
• And don’t forget our Mediocre American Ball Park, where Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says Señor Bob’s millionaire ballplayers have already reverted to mid-season form and Typical Reds Fan Farley Fairweather was celebrating the Little Red Machine in the middle of the National League’s Central Division. 
• Panhandlers and protesters beware. Despite budget problems at City Hall, Cincinnati Police say they’re totally prepared. Once again, our good friend Officer Matt “Shoot His Dick Off” Martin will be on duty and Chief Jeffrey Blackwell’s officers have a beanbag with your name on it. How would you like the taste of mace in your face? But if you do show up, Kneepad Liberals in the Press will make sure to get you on TV— a lot. Our Nine Fine Clowns on City Clown-cil and our Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor who’s waiting for people to complain about jacked-up drive-by property appraisals, won’t be able to stay away.
• And with no Cincinnati’s Mayoral and Clown-cil Elections any time soon,, it’s no wonder all those Extreme Liberals (including The Windbag) think it’s OK for over-taxed payers to subsidize this over-crowded event. It’s a good opportunity to walk around and meet prospective voters. Will Dumpy DemocRAT Ohio First District One-Term Congressman Steve Drinkhaus’ still be enjoying a Taste of Swaziland this weekend? Maybe Obama could jet in on Air Force One for a fund-raiser. With that crowd, his scandal-plagued administration wouldn’t have to worry about no-shows. Jerry Springer might even be spotted looking for more trampy older women to boink, and We Still Can’t Believe He’s A Judge P-P-P-Patrick DeWhine will even be there sampling chitins for old times’ sake, while former over-taxed payer funded ACORN Census Takers (and who knows what they call themselves these days) will be registering Dishonest DemocRATS for the next election. One would hope our local TEA Party Patriots could still be there protesting Obama’s two rogue IRS agents at the Federal Building.
• Does anybody remember when Cincinnati State’s Culinary Program lost $217,000 a few years ago? Surprise, surprise! Jean-Robert de Cavel was its “chef in residence,” so cut his salary! Odell Owens was the school’s President. He was paid $225,000 and was given a $30,000 bonus. WHY? Someone was NOT watching the pot boil over!
• Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters says if you get ptomaine poisoning, he’d be glad to sue the vendor for you, even though he’s no longer practicing law in Kentucky. The Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Still Out to Destroy Crazy (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) is still so busy celebrating, they forgot to send all the sordid details for our Persons of Consequence.
• Meanwhile, the Hamilton County RINO Party Alex T., Mall Cop GOP looks like he’s had too much blueberry juice, like that obnoxious little girl in Willie Wonka. “JayWalking Joe” Deters and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane say they’re not going this year, especially since folks from the China Gourmet won’t be there offering their favorite hot-and-sour soup. Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders says you should try Mike Wong’s won tons at the Oriental Wok —only 50 proof.
• Holding this year’s Distaste of Cincinnati at Fountain Square is just about what you’d expect from the worst-run city in America that spent $42 million to wipe out every business in the area for two years while they moved the Fountain six feet north during their guaranteed one-year renovation project, and now wants to piss away more than a billion dollars for their Trolley Folly, instead of upgrading the US Bank Arena to bring big conventions to town.
• Why didn’t they move the event to the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center? We hear they have a lot of totally unused space there.
• What we’d really like to see is a food fight— something from Animal House, Laurel and Hardy, or the Three Stooges. That would really be great.
• But did you hear the one about the Cannibal Restaurant? They were featuring Broiled Missionary for $10, Fried Explorer for $15, Grilled Republican for $20, and Baked DemocRAT for $100. A lady asked, “Why so much more for a DemocRAT?” and the cook said, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes all day.”
• Years ago, the original “Taste of Cincinnati” event used to be pretty good. Restaurants you wished you could afford even offered some of their finest delicacies at really reasonable prices. But now it still seems like too much of the kind of fast food you can get at a school or church carnival, or at any food court at the Mall, only higher priced than at the airport. How did they ever miss having Beano as a sponsor? You don’t want to be standing next to the fat lady when she lets out a good beer fart or anywhere near people who just came from the Baked Beans Booth.No wonder our Good Fried Bobby Leach had this suggestion for our “Whistleblower Word of the Day.”
• Driving downtown has always been expensive, even before you had to take out a second mortgage to fill the tank on your SUV. Angry Andersonian Duffy Beischel says, “But trekking downtown to eat an overpriced chicken wing or a meatball on a stick? You’ve got to be kidding.” Still Anderson Trustee Josh Gerth will probably be there taking silly selfies to post on his Facebook page. Liberal Lunatics say Cincinnati’s Former Girly Man Mayor Mark Mallory’s Trolley Folly would be the answer, along with letting Obama supporters pay with their food stamp cards.  
• Then, of course, there’s over-priced parking and walking, and the odor of Port-o-lets and perspiration and dirty feet and sight of ugly toes of people who think wearing sandals is cool. That truly ought to make your senses tingle.
• And where will all the beautiful people be this weekend? They won’t be at Distaste of Cincinnati. But trailer parks will be deserted, and those folks will be downtown with their screaming kids, dirty diapers, and stinking bare feet. Women wearing crotchless panties who’ve just come from visiting the jail will also be there. No wonder Horny from Hebron will be there looking for Girls Gone Wild.
• But Whistleblower Food Editor Martin Upchuck says nobody really goes to Distaste of Cincinnati for “the food.” They go for beer and pizza. LaRosa’s will probably sell more crappy pizza than all the food the other restaurants sell combined. “Junketing Jean” Schmidt’s Former Press Flack Barrett Brunsman says his old boss still gets all her pizza delivered at home, ever since she married off her daughter Emilie to Buddy LaRosa’s grandson. And will Mean Jean’s mentor Senator Rob “Fighting for Frijoles” Portman be there campaigning for vice president in 2016, wearing his “I’m Proud of My Gay Son” T-Shirt.
• Speaking of “The Gayness,” Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback will be there looking for gay Boy Scouts while enjoying a faggot at the Chez Gay Booth and our Blue Chip Young Republicans say Judge Ghizzy Lizzy will be there with her friends from the Log Cabin Republicans, too.
• Wow! Izzy’s will be at Distaste of Cincinnati and you can buy a crappy Izzy’s Reuben sandwich for only $5. Do you think New York Times food critic Frank Bruni would say, “Now there’s another reason to gas up and drive downtown?” Actually, Bruni wrote about Gold Star Chili in his “Life in the Fast Food Lane” column in 2006: “It was a gummy nest of thin noodles, which were covered by a watery chili, which was in turn covered by rubbery orange confetti that bore a passing resemblance to cheese.” And to think Little Lord John Joseph Cranley IV married into that family for the free chili.
• Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo wonders how many hand sinks will be available at the Distaste of Cincinnati to keep people from spreading the Swine Flu. At least organizers again showed good sense by keeping Willie’s Hepatitis-Free Sports Cafe out when Willie insisted on serving Mad Cow Burgers, and Weight Watchers dropouts Clueless Marc Wilson and Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich say they’re not showing up because the Golden Corral all-you-can-eat buffet won’t be there.
• It’s hard to believe that this year’s there is no longer a Best in Taste “Award of Excellence,” only awards for best appetizers, entrees, desserts, and a category called “Go Vibrant,” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean, instead of this king-sized, Weight Gainers approved, 48-million calorie hamburger from Gluttons. We guess that means Burbank’s Real Barbecue’s Memphis-style ribs were too hard to eat again this year. But who actually won the “Worst of Taste?” Save the trip downtown. For $4 and a coupon, “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says you can get all the crappy food you can stomach at any one of 27 all-you-can eat Chinese buffets in the Food Court in Anderson Township, although most avoirdupois Andersonians like Freddie Fatassi prefer the Hibachi Grille in Cherry Grove. And isn’t Wertheim’s in Northern Kentucky? Miss Vicki says she’s surprised this so-called “Cincinnati event” wasn’t actually held at Newport on the Levee.
• This year during the Great Obama Recession, Distaste of Cincinnati will be more expensive than ever, so the Restaurant Association could afford their rain and riot insurance. Paying $7 for a slimy piece of raw squid is outrageous. Everybody was hoping Cincinnati Water Works would be giving away free water again, even if you had to bring your own cup.
• And how about that so-called entertainment? Suburban residents can give up their soft sounds to hear all that deafening diversity coming simultaneously from the Yuengling Beer Garden Stage, the Christian Moerlein Beer Garden Stage, the Kentucky Ale Beer Garden Stage, and in Food Truck Alley, where the mega-hit rock ‘n roll band The Chillseekers will be signing autographs after performing “The Flashlight Theater Music Video” Unfortunately, these days white musical groups are so bad, it’s no wonder WGRR went out of the Oldiesfest business in New Richmond, especially after Jim LaBabbler died.
• We liked it better in the old days when you could see Foxy Roxy and Bobbie Sterne dirty dancing. Marge Schott was right, may the old girl rest on peace. Thirty-six years ago, the original Taste of Cincinnati was good in the beginning, but it just went too far.

REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.

Top Ten List

Today it’s the Top Ten Things scared suburbanites will really miss hearing in Former Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory’s murder-free zone at “Distaste of Cincinnati”: 10. “Did you remember to wear your bullet-proof vest?” 9. “Do you think there should be more policemen around?” 8. “They keep telling us on the news how safe it is.” 7. “What time does the sun go down?” 6. “What do you mean, you’re not voting for Obama, Whitey?” 5. “Isn’t that the Mayor dancing with his bodyguard?” 4. “Maybe that old lady likes being choked.” 3. “Did you ever see so many black people in your life?” 2. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” …and the Number One thing your wife really doesn’t want to hear in Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory’s murder-free zone at “Distaste of Cincinnati” is… “Hey, where are all the white women at?” …and the Number One thing your wife will really miss hearing in Former Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory’s murder-free zone at “Distaste of Cincinnati” is… “Hey, where are all the white women at?” The above illustration was done by Woodrow J. Hinton

PTOMAINE POISONING HOT LINE

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Some gastric upsetting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally gastric upsetting subscribers, but we could always use more.

Whistleblower Gourmet Link of the Day

Don’t attend “Distaste of Cincinnati” without it

 (Sent in by Gary Gas-passer, winner of last year’s Annual Farting Contest at Distaste of Cincinnati., who explains that a “Crowd Fart” is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case, he is the one. 

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