Friday, May 9, 2014
Happy Lost Sock Memorial Day, Everybody!
Today’s the day to reorganize your drawer full of unmatched socks. Remember, each unmatched sock represents a missing sock. You never throw away your unmatched socks. After all, they all might show up someday.
And at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane to explain why we should all spend any time searching for our missing socks on Lost Sock Memorial Day. Beloved Whistleblower Publisher said after a (very) brief search, and in good “Memorial” spirit, everybody should spend a minute reflecting upon how warm and comforting the missing socks were on their smelly feet. Then, by all means, get on with your life. Today is also a good opportunity to toss out all of your unmatched socks, unless you find the culprits red handed.
Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1960, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill–Enovid-10.
And Bobby Leach says that’s the last day he ever wore a rubber.
Does size really matter? You bet. Especially when you go to Walgreen’s to buy a condom and the clerk asks if you’d like to try it on before you leave the store.
Maybe that’s why Joan Rivers said, “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
Why, it’s none other than Sally Soccermom, who says “Every time I complain about something, my husband tells me to put a sock in it!”
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in promoting family values for Mother’s Day selected our Northern Kentucky TEA Party member taking time out from campaigning for Matt Beven before the 2014 Bluegrass Primary Elections on May 20 in only 11 more days to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items written by people from Northern Kentucky plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose Mo Rocca’s “Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously.”
Maybe Sally should’ve looked for her missing hosiery in the Bureau of Missing Socks.
- “CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN” by Bishop Foys
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?!’
- “DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE DEBT CEILING?” by Michael Liquid Plummer
* The President doesn’t understand THE DEBT CEILING
* DemocRATS don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Republicans don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Liberals don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING
* NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING
* SO – Allow me to explain…
Let’s say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do?
Raise the ceilings or pump out the sewage?
Your choice is coming in November 2014.
- “THE HUSBAND STORE” by Miss Vicki
In Northern Kentucky,Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says a new store that sells husbands has opened in Florence, where a woman may go to choose a mate. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor…or may choose to go up to the next floor. But you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman went to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door read: “Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.” She was intrigued, but she continued to the second floor where the sign read: “Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.”
“That’s nice,” she thought, “but I want more.”
So she continued upward. The third floor sign read: “Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.” “Wow,” she thought, but she felt compelled to keep going. So she went to the fourth floor and the sign read: “Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.” “Mercy me!” she exclaimed, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she went to the fifth floor and the sign read: “Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.” She was really tempted to stay, but she went to the sixth floor where the sign read: “Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.”
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wives Store just across the street with the same rules. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited!
- AND A QUICKIE By Elsie Case (Alison Wondergams Grimes’ Grandmother)
An old Woman was asked, “At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get: Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinsons – Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle
These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.
Stories We’reWorking On
House Votes To Hold Lois Lerner In Contempt- Hillary Clinton: No Reason To Continue Investigating Benghazi
- Obama’s America: 58 Million Working-Age People Are No Longer Working
- Poll: Just 27% of Americans Think Country Headed In Right Direction
- Did Mrs. $tautberg Give Peter a Consolation BJ on Tuesday Night?
- Is Aroldis Chapman Staying Out Too Late?
- Florence Freedom Bans Peanuts
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said Republican Moms really want on Mother’s Day:
(A) To sleep as late as she wants: 2%
(B) A husband to wait on her hand-and-foot: 2%
(C) Brunch at the Golden Corral: 2%
(D) Grateful offspring: 94%
(Good Luck with that, Mom!)
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
Mother’s Day Madness
This week, everybody who’s glad his mother didn’t ditch him in a dumpster, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is MF Goodson, who says his mother deserves a much better Mother’s Day than he’s able to afford without asking her for the money.
MF wins a “World’s Worst Mom” coffee mug from K-mart, a Mother’s Day Card his wife made with crappy clip art downloaded from the internet, and a voice-mail message from the nursing home reminding him that he hasn’t called visited his own mother for the last six months. His winning entry is:
On Sunday, it’s your Mother’s Day.
To show her you’re grateful, just say,
Thanks for making me wear dresses,
And for brushing my tresses,
It’s no wonder I turned out to be gay.”
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still not successfully completed his racial sensitivity correspondence course):
On Sunday, it’s your Mother’s Day.
You should buy her a lovely bouquet.
Don’t say come to our house,
She’ll make you feel like a louse
If you send her home when she wants to stay.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The best way to spend Armed Forces Day.”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, Goof Doofus.
LOST SOCK HOT LINE
e-mail your best guesses today.
Some missing footie items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally missing footie subscribers
WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY
End one of the world’s mysteries – Lost Socks. (My Sock Mate)
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Kenton County Republican Party Chairman Greg Shumate said. Greg Shumate [1,306 Friends, 51 Mutual], who thinks the 2016 Republican Convention should be held in Northern Kentucky. )
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
