MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2013
A Twitter From God
Yesterday was Easter Sunday, so we e-mailed God to ask why He doesn’t stop all that teenage violence, especially at schools. And God Twittered back: “Maybe because I’m no longer allowed in schools.”
How’d all this get started?
Remember when Madeline Murray O’Hare complained she didn’t want any prayer in our schools, and we said, OK?
Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school, the Bible that says “Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbors as yourself,” and we said, OK.
Dr. Benjamin Spock said, “We shouldn’t spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem.”
And someone said, “An expert should know what he’s talking about so we won’t spank them anymore.” So we said, “OK.”
Then someone said, “Teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don’t want any bad publicity, and we surely don’t want to be sued.” And we accepted their reasoning.
Then someone said, “Let’s let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won’t even have to tell their parents.” And we said, “That’s a grand idea.”
Then some wise school board member said, “Since boys will be boys and they’re going to do it anyway, let’s give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won’t have to tell their parents they got them at school.” And we said, “That’s another great idea.”
Then some of our top elected officials said, “It doesn’t matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs.” And we said, “It doesn’t matter what anybody, including the President, does in private as long as we have jobs and the economy is good.”
And someone else took that a step further, publishing pictures of nude children, and making them available on the Internet. And we said, “Everyone’s entitled to free speech.”
And then children began “sexting” nude pictures of each other on their cell phones.
And the entertainment industry said, “Let’s make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. And let’s record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes.”
And we said, “It’s just entertainment and it has no adverse effect and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.”
Now we’re asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don’t know right from wrong, and why it doesn’t bother them to kill strangers, classmates, or even themselves.
Think about it.
Now here’s our Easter Message from Edward Cropper
Bunky Tadwell says, “Gimme a Pig Foot.”
No, not the lyrics to an old Bessie Smith Song, but an approach to Easter. While relaxing before a comforting fireplace, who should pass by but the Easter Bunny himself.
BT: The Easter Bunny. What a pleasure. Holiday greetings.
EB: Yeh. Back at you. But you could drop the bunny bit. The name’s Howard.
BT: Howard? OK. To what do I owe this visit?
EB: I’m tired of the whole gig, man. Colored eggs, green plastic grass, chocolate rabbits. The whole meaning of the day has been lost.Get real. What’s the most important thing today?
BT: Now that you bring it up, I don’t know.
EB: What do people think of the most? Eating. Do they eat rabbit for Easter? Ever seen a rabbit naked? It looks like a skinned cat. You wouldn’t eat that. You eat ham: baked ham, smoked ham, ham and eggs, ham sandwiches, honey baked ham, fancy cut ham. It’s ham, kiddo. That’s what I’m saying.
BT: And you’re saying…
EB: THE EASTER PIG!
BT: Easter Pig?
EB: Right. I talked it over with my buddy, Carl.
BT: Who is Carl?
EB: The last of the Three Little Pigs…the smart one with a brick house. He had to agree that the whole thing made sense, but he was nervous about having his rear sliced off for dinner.
BT: I can imagine. Do you think the idea of the Easter Pig would go over with the kids?
EB: Give them a chocolate pig and toys and they’ll go for anything.
BT: I have to admit, the idea sounds good. I might buy into it.
EB: Swell. Just don’t mention it to Carl.
FINALLY, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane has asked our good friend, The Right Reverend Bobby Leach to put us an Eastery mood, so let’s all join the guys from Monte Python’s “Life of Brian” singing, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”
HEAVENLY HOT LINE
E-mail your enthusiastic epiphanies today
Some sacrilegious items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally sacrilegious subscribers.
Easter Monday Link of the Day
Ray Stevens – If 10% is Good Enough for Jesus (Live)
PLUS
The Easter Bunny Hates You
(This is the whole tragic story! If only we had only known)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.