Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
Today is your dreaded TAX DAY, and 86% of American adults actually planned to have their taxes filed by Tuesday’s midnight deadline. —Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen- On this date in 1865, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, dies from a bullet wound inflicted the night before by John Wilkes Booth, an actor and Confederate sympathizer. The president’s death came only six days after Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his massive army at Appomattox, effectively ending the American Civil War. —Hurley the Historian
- Next Monday (April 21) will be is TAX FREEDOM DAY for everybody in the United States this year. That means Americans will have worked 111 days during 2014 before they have earned enough money to pay this year’s tax obligations at the federal, state and local levels. —Your Friends at the Tax Foundation
That’s why we chose John Marshall’s “The power to tax involves the power to destroy.” That was in 1819. We wonder what that conservative Chief Justice would say today. —Your Quote for Today Committee - Just because the president’s Federal tax rate was only 20.4% doesn’t mean he wasn’t paying his fair share. —Obama’s White House Spokes Dweeb Jay Cardboard
- This year we decreased our charitable donations from 1.5 % of our incomes to .05 %. But most people were surprised last year when our tax returns showed we raked in $26,400 in 2012 renting a cottage on the property of our Delaware home to the Secret Service, so they could protect us when we weren’t living in that fancy estate in DC the U.S. Over-taxed payers provide us for free. —The Benevolent Bidens
Even though we won’t be having a big Tax Day Rally on Fountain Square this year, we will be having a fund-raiser at the Eastgate Holiday Inn tonight where you can hear our organizers bloviate endlessly about their claims of all they’ve accomplished, and it will only cost suckers $10 to attend. —TEA Party Patriots Passing the Hat- Last night was the first night of Passover and we were hoping IRS Auditors would be passing over our tax returns. —Jews for Lower Taxes
Obama has only tried to raise taxes 442 times since taking office. Thankfully, most of his proposed tax hikes died because of congressional opposition. —Anti-Taxers of America- Tax Day on April 15 would be a pretty big day for us, if we were really an anti-tax organization. —COAST
- Remember, our April 15 deadline for filing your federal taxes is for real, it’s not just one of those phony baloney ObamaCare deadlines we’re all become accustomed to during Obama’s Failed Second Term. —Your Friends at the IRS
- In 2012, I was for lower taxes, but that was when I was running as a Republican against “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup in Ohio’s Second District. — Flim-Flamming Flyboy Fred Kundrata, now running as a Dumbed-down DemocRAT in Ohio’s First District against Steve Chabothead
- The only reason I voted for all those taxes in Columbus was because Larcenous Lobbyist Chippy Gearhart told me to. —State Rep-tile Peter “The Best Money Can Buy” $tautberg
While some continue to point out the many times I’ve donated to DemocRATS, I appreciate Republicans for Higher Taxes highlighting my support for Mean Jean Schmidt” —Crystal Faulkner- April 15th is my favorite day of the year!” —Tax Hikin’ Rick Bryan
- We’ll be raising taxes for a long, long time to pay for our new $75 million park.” —Blue Ash City Clowncil
I just wanted to be consistent to the very end, so I lost that page from the middle of my resignation speech and I misspelled the name of my successor in my final goodbye e-mail. —Resigned in Disgrace Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius (Because, As I said, “Staying Wasn’t An Option”)- Please don’t ask where the money came from when Mahogany’s restaurant paid all that back rent last Friday. —Deadbeat Desperado Liz Rogers
- Just because we claim not to be “officially endorsing” certain candidates during the 2014 primary season, it doesn’t mean we’re not giving them any other advantages. No Kidding! —Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP
- That’s something people who were smart enough to have already mailed in their absentee ballots can ignore. —Hamilton County Board of Elections
Here’s how we’re being “fair and balanced” about our community’s public figures these days: On one hand, we’re downplaying the failures of Disgraced DemocRAT Kathleen Sebelius after Obama’s HHS Secretary was forced to resign in disgrace, while totally ignoring the success of local experts like Scott Greenwood, a member of the American Civil Liberties Union national board, and Tom Streicher, former Cincinnati Police Chief, helping other cities across the country fix the same problems they helped our community solve between 2001-2008 for a small and reasonable fee. —Feckless Fishwrappers
After working on my taxes all weekend, I now have 1040 more reasons to hate the government. —Ken CamBoo- It’s too bad all that money I’m raising for my granddaughter’s campaign isn’t deductible. —Alison Wondergams Grimes’ Grandmother
- Does anybody remember when all my staffers had to work until midnight at my H&R Doofus offices to help all my constituents get their taxes done? —Goof Doofus
- Most people don’t have to keep their tax records for more than three years, but if we suspect you’re a tax cheat, we’ll make you produce every document from the day you were born. —Your Friends at the IRS
Please don’t forget to pay your taxes today. 21 million illegal immigrants (undocumented future DemocRATS) are depending on you. —Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose- Until we have a simple flat tax without all that paperwork, over-paid members of Congress should be forced to fill out every one of their constituents’ tax forms for free. —Angry Over-taxed Payers
There should be no withholding. No phony “refunds.” If folks had to write really big checks on TAX DAY, people would actually know how much they’re paying. —Turbo-Taxers on a Rant- It’s a good thing they don’t hold every election on TAX DAY. —Tax-and-Spenders running for re-election
- Trish the Dish wants to know exactly when everybody’s taxes are due. —TV 19 News
- Sheree Paolello and Blondie Whalen were right. Clairol is deductible. ——WCPO-TV Helicopter Reporter Dan Carroll (Formerly with TV 19)
- And if all of that isn’t newsworthy enough, let’s all watch the man I hope to replace as Senate Majority Leader try to explain our “voluntary Tax System.”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County RINO Party Boss, Alex T., Mall Cop GOP.
— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —
Sometimes The Blower ridicules tax procrastinators to show that not filing your taxes on time is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who didn’t file an extension.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially our Procrastinators
TAX CHEATS HOTLINE
e-mail your dishonest deductions today.
Some less-than-honest items in today’s Blower were sent in by our less-than-honest items subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
Judge Jeanine: CIA Head Michael Morrell Should Be Indicted For Lies Under Oath On Benghazi
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Ohio State Senator Bill “The Ethnic Cleanser” Seitz [2,231 Friends, 117 Mutual Friends], showing us what he looks like on Tax Day.)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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