Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
Today is Tax Freedom Day in Kentucky. According to our friends at The Tax Foundation, today’s the day in CamBooLand each year you stop working exclusively for the government, because every dollar you’ve earned so far this year will have theoretically gone to pay all of your federal, state, and local taxes for 2014. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo- Maybe that’s why we chose Franklin P. Adams’ “Count the day won when, turning on its axis, this earth imposes no additional taxes.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
- Many people remember when I said “Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.” —FDR
The CamBoozler says Tax Freedom day comes to Kentucky nearly two weeks before “Tax Day” in America on April 21 (only the 111th day of the year) and almost a full week before April 12, when over-taxed payers on the North Shore can begin working for themselves, since everybody knows state and local taxes are lower in Kentucky. Maybe that explains why so many folks besides Bungals bad boys and over-sexed MILFs prefer living in Kentucky, the land of fast women and beautiful horses. Which is why I’ll never forget that time I had a three-hour lunch at the Wok with Miss Vicki and Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen. —Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane- Most people don’t have to keep their tax records for more than three years, but if we suspect you’re a tax cheat, we’ll make you produce every document from the day you were born. —Your Friends at the IRS
Please don’t forget to pay your taxes next Monday. 21 million illegal immigrants (undocumented future DemocRAT Voters) are depending on you. —Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose- Until we have a simple flat tax without all that paperwork, over-paid members of Congress should be forced to fill out every one of their constituents’ tax forms for free. —Angry Over-taxed Payers
- There should be no withholding. No phony “refunds.” If folks had to write really big checks on TAX DAY, people would actually know how much they’re paying. —Turbo-Taxers on a Rant
- It’s a good thing they don’t hold every election on TAX DAY. —Tax-and-Spenders running for re-election
Since the next fight will be about trillions instead of billions, please don’t ask about Obama’s proposed tax increases when he announces his plans never to balance the budget. —Obama’s Paid Liars at the White House- No matter what Obama pretends to offer, Republicans are opposed to new tax hikes, especially every time we cave in on “increasing tax revenue.” —RINO Speaker of the House John Boehner
- Here’s some good news: Twenty-eight percent (28%) of Likely U.S. Voters think the country is heading in the right direction, so go ahead and send in your 1040s. —Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen
- For all the taxes they take out of our paychecks, the least they could do is send me a picture of the ghetto family we’re supporting. —Compassionate Conservatives
- “Today I give thanks to Republicans for Higher Taxes for discussing the $75 million park I’m currently building – with your tax dollars.” — Tax Hikin’ Rick Bryan
“A $75 million park? Rick Bryan almost makes me look like a fiscal conservative.” — Bob Bungalhaus- After working on my taxes all weekend, I now have 1040 more reasons to hate the government. —Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders
- Do you remember when all my staffers had to work until midnight at my H&R Doofus offices to help all my constituents get their taxes done? —Goof Doofus
- Is the tax on booze deductible? —Nathan “Cornbread” Smith and Michael Liquid Plummer
- Am I allowed to deduct all those fines I have to pay for filing frivolous lawsuits? —Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters
How about elevator shoes? —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele- Every year on April 15, I help Will “The Thrill “Terwort work on his extension. —Phyllis on Madison
- Does Beano qualify as a deductible prescription? —Clueless Marc Wilson
- Can inflatable sheep be considered an entertainment expense? —Gex “Rhymes With Sex” Williams
How about batteries? — Dildo World CEO Patty Brisben- How about Clairol? —Blondie Whalen
- Did Sticky Fingers ever declare his embezzlement income from the Civic Club? —Vanilla Hills Vigilantes
- You’ll never guess what we claimed as deductions. —Uptight Bitches in Fort Mitchell
- Is it legal for me to deduct for all those lunches when I tried to bribe Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane to plug my book? —Rick “The Batboy” Robinson
- By now you will have probably learned that taxation “with representation” isn’t so hot either. —The Founding Fathers
- Please tell us which one of our local TV morning news babes was absent last week, after sources say she was suspended for getting hammered on Opening Day, requiring the news director to take her home, and then she called in sick the next morning? —Horny in Hebron
On this date in 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves broke Babe Ruth’s legendary record of 714 home runs, but he actually tied the Babe’s record on April 4 of that year when he homered off Reds pitcher Jack Billingham on Opening Day. —Hurley the Historian- It’s hard to believe how much tax I pay on that $45,000 I get every time I come to the plate. —Joey Votto
- Trish the Dish wants to know exactly when everybody’s taxes are due. —TV 19 News
- Can you believe, I used to have to listen to that every day? —WCPO-TV Helicopter Reporter Dan Carroll (Formerly with TV 19)
- And if all of that isn’t Newsworthy enough, let’s get back to some serious business and watch David Letterman’s Top Ten Tax Tips —Late Night TV Jokewatchers
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Tax Forgetter Roger Ach.
— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —
Sometimes The Blower ridicules phony tax-fighters to show that pretending to fight taxes to make money is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who asking for donations every time they send out an e-mail.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Citizens Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes.
BLUEGRASS TAX FREEDOM DAY HOT LINE
e-mail your celebratory commentary today.
Some tax free items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally tax free subscribers, but we could always use a lot more.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
Three Great Reasons to Pay Your Taxes (or Else)!
(Sent in by nearly noted author Mark Faust [469 Friends, 25 Mutual Friends], who has certainly come a long way since he used to cut Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s grass as a teenager.)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
