Saturday, April 5, 2014
We Call It Our 49-Cent Solution
Today on the Whistleblower Countdown Clock, we’re looking at 31 more days until the 2014 Primary Elections in Ohio (45 more days in Kentucky) and all the real hype and hullabaloo is only about to start. But what if you could avoid all that, for the mere cost of a 49-cent stamp? Why not just mail-in your Absentee Voter Envelope to the Board of Elections?
The ballot is really easy to fill out; it only took us a couple of minutes. Even some of those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, might be able to figure how to use a pen to color in the small rectangle next to the person’s name you want to vote for.
And just think, those dumbed-down Dems wouldn’t have to stand in line for three hours in the rain to vote early, because walking to their neighborhood polling place on Election Day to vote for free is too much trouble.
Meanwhile on the South Shore, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo explains there is no “early voting” in the Bluegrass. We only have absentee voting. To get an absentee ballot, voters have to write or go to the County Clerk’s Office and apply for one. Applicants must state a valid reason, under oath, why they can’t vote on Election Day like everyone else. It’s not like Ohio where you can go “vote early and often” just because Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka, Free-Stuff Dispensing Liberals, Rhyming Reverends, and Union Goons told you to.
- IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says Ohio GOP Political Director Katie Eagan sent out an e-mail telling folks it’s now time to request an absentee ballot. Too late, Katie! Been there, done that!
TROLLEY TROUBLMAKER TINO DELGATO says the $133 million Folly Trolley plods along to its 3.6 mile completion. This will come out to $37 million per mile. The 1,900 mile transcontinental rail line from Frisco to Iowa was put down for $16,000 per mile ($48K in the mountains). But that was in 1869 and they did not have Cincinnati City Clown-sale involved.
Newport and Covington currently run several rubber tire trolleys back and forth to Cincinnati over a 15 mile circuitous route. With $133 million Northern Kentucky could have bought enough busses to be lined up bumper to bumper for those 15 miles. Those rubber tired buses can adjust to any route and do not need overhead wiring. They now come in Hybrid too. Go Figure!!!
And when Tino read about the cockamamie plan for the The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center Scam to skim off some of the hotel tax, Tino suggested turning the entire White Guilt Center into office and retail space and moving the displays to the Museum Center where they should have been all along. How many of the people who visit the Freedom Museum actually stay at the downtown hotels anyway.
Mabe Rodriguez, yet an executive on loan from Procter & Gamble, who is serving as revenue strategist for the Freedom Center and Museum Center, said the new plan takes advantage of the Freedom Center’s “beautiful building and key downtown location.” Memo to Mabe: That’s exactly why the dumb ass building should not have taken up prime space on the riverfront in the first place.
And our Compassionate Conservative asks, “Can you hear the sucking sound of money going down the drain at the uppity museum?
MORE BAD IDEAS: Deadbeat desperado Liz Rogers of Mahogany restaurant finally managed to make the first of two required rent payments on her lousy restaurant. Liz came up with the $25,000 first payment. How she did it, nobody wants to say.
The next deadline for deadbeat Liz is on April 11. If she doesn’t make the second payment by that date, she is supposed to be evicted from the space on April 12 and nobody will miss her.
We pity the people who provided Liz with the money. Cincinnati clown-cil member Wendell Young is vastly disappointed he couldn’t waste the city’s money by having the city make that first payment and is hoping the city will make that second payment due in six days.
TO THE FINDLAY MARKET PARADE ORGANIZERS FOR 2015:
1. The parade is too damn long and slow. 45 minutes for it to travel from the Findlay Market to Fifth Street is ridiculous.
2. Why do they need police motorcycles doing figure eights and stopping to show off their maneuvering skills? They caused the slow pace at the beginning of the parade.
3. If you have a float do you also need a car behind it and a mass of people following the float? One entry means one entry not 3.
4. The parade was not political but politicians rode bikes, walked the sideline and got their faces plastered on TV. Send them all a bill as they paid no entry fee.
5. If you have the fire department do you need every fire engine in down town in the parade?
HEADLINE HYPE: WLWT’s website headline read “RESIDENTS PACK STREET.” Do you think they went a little overboard in the description of that big rally held for the shooting victims in Avondale. 
REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES say Crystal Faulkner, a candidate for the Republican State Central Committee, hasn’t donated to DemocRAT David A. Pepper once – she’s donated to him twice. In their 4th Edition of The Crystal Faulkner DemocRAT Donation of the Week, R4HT discovered this $500 donation in addition to the $1,000 donation they previously reported. How would anyone trust MS. Faulkner to run the Ohio Republican Party when she’s so supportive of DemocRAT candidates?
IN ANDERSON: Everybody’s talking about how township resident Mike Mezher is actually running unopposed as a Republican for the office Hamilton County Auditor in November against our Double-Dipping Disingenuous DemocRAT with Egg on his Face. Would you believe you can get updates from Mike’s campaign in dozens of different languages? [CLICK HERE] How many Zulus live in Anderson anyway? Meanwhile, Anderson Trustee “In Russ We Trust” Jackson wonders if Mike is now trying to join Aroldis Chapman and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s next-door neighbor Archbishop Dennis M. Schnurr on the Whistleblower’s List of the 50 Most Fascinating People in Anderson Township to be announced later this year?
Speaking of Kane, at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were glad to see Beloved Whistleblower Publisher had calmed down after finding out how much taxes he would actually owe on April 15 and sitting through a bribe lunch at Outback just to hear that elected official’s plans for public spending, but The Blower still couldn’t publish its long-awaited Special “Over-Taxed Payers’ Angst” E-dition on Saturday, since the Tax Foundation still hadn’t published the official date of “Tax Freedom Day” in 2014, the day when the nation as a whole has earned enough money to pay off its total tax bill for the year.
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1792, President George Washington exercised the first presidential veto. He vetoed a bill outlining a new apportionment formula submitted by Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson. Apportionment is a term used to describe how Congress divides the seats in the House of Representatives among the states based on U.S. census figures. Now you know why Obama wanted to control the Census in 2010.
- MAYBE THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose George Washington’s ‘The Constitution is the guide which I never will abandon.”
- IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo is pleased to report the latest and greatest e-dition of Our Good Friend E Rob Sanders April fool-filled e-newsletter is on cyber news stands now. This week’s This Week In Kenton Circuit Court features hoodlums, hood rats, and hookers alike. In fact, Billy Bob the Bluegrass Bailiff says business in Kenton County is so brisk that they’re thinking of installing an express check out line in the courthouse! Check out these ugly Bluegrass mugs.
23 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK (when The Whistleblower used to be printed and delivered all over town) Edition #44, which came out on April 1, 1991, was our First Annual Sincere Apology Issue.
You can’t believe how many people in the news media we had to apologize to that year, including: Bob Braun; Local political cartoonists Jim Borgman, Jeff Stahler, and Joe Hoffecker; Thom Brenneman, for saying that his dad used to walk him to school because they were both in the same grade; WLW Radio sports talk host Cris Collinsworth, along with Andy Furman and Bob Trumpy; WKRC-TV Sports Director Ken Broo; Pat Barry; Compost columnist David Wecker, Business Record Publisher Henry Dorfman; Jennie Key; Channel 12 weather guesser Tim Hedrick, John Lomax and Debra Silberstein. At the Enquirer we had Mr. Whig, Editor George Blake, Publisher Bill Keating, Radio-TV Critic John Keiswetter, Tip-off Columnist Jim Knippenberg, Camilla Warrick, and Sara Pearce. At Channel 9, there was Clyde Gray, Randy Little, and the entire “I-Team.” On Radio Row there was WEBN News Brother Greg Kopp, Eddie Fingers, Bill Cunningham, Mike McConnell, and Marilyn Harris.
Whistleblower Gossip Columnist Linda Libel says she’s still not apologizing for her award-winning expose about the person currently at Channel 19 who allegedly sexually harassed former Channel 19 videographer Bill Fesh back in 1996. That harassment reportedly included a seductive letter, phone calls, job-related threats, and unwanted sexual advances which Fesh claims induced him into a vile-and-disgusting two-year sexual relationship. Not only that, Fesh claimed TV 19 management sent him and his hottie harasser on assignment and required the pair to share a room. Shortly after that trip, Fesh said his marriage broke up because of his minor personal indiscretions with that blonde floozy anchorbabe, if you know what we mean.
To see the entire First Annual Sincere Apology Issue, CLICK HERE.
FINALLY, “IT’S COLLECTION TIME,” and this weekend, your Neighborhood Whistleblower News Boy or Girl will be stopping by to collect $3.50 for delivery of this month’s Blower. The children retain half of this amount plus any tips you give them to reward good service. This month we’re featuring nine-year-old Louis “Porky” Dorkman, an adorable little 288-lb. illegitimate waif, whose mother still hasn’t found a job after she lost her job at the Hamilton County Auditor’s Office just in time for Thanksgiving. For information about our carrier program, please call Mr. Scamwell at our circulation department.
“Voting Early and Often” By James Jay Schifrin
Early voting began on Tuesday for the May 6 Primary Elections in Patronage County, just like in every one of the 87 other counties in Ohio, and our three county commissioners watched the news coverage on TV of the people who had camped out all night waiting to be first in when the Board of Elections opened.
“I can remember when people were never allowed to vote early,” explained Commissioner Pilfer. “Things were certainly a whole lot easier back then.”
“Then they started letting people vote by Absentee Ballot,” said Commissioner Filch. “But at least you had to have a good reason.”
“Now anybody can vote early. Just show up at the Board of Election and they’ll hand you a ballot,” agreed Commissioner Swindle. “It starts 35 days prior to Election Day.”
“DemocRATS like early voting because they can make sure their dumbed-down voters get to the polls, and don’t forget to show up on Election Day,” explained Commissioner Filch.
“Republicans have to play the early voting game too, mainly because they’re afraid the DemocRATS will get ahead of them,” added Commissioner Pilfer.
“And elected officials like us like early voting best of all,” declared Commissioner Swindle, “because after we’ve made sure all our courthouse cronies have voted early, they won’t have an excuse not to volunteer to hand out our stuff at the polls.”
This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Dennis Nichols.
EARLY VOTING HOTLINE
e-mail your bogus registrations today.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Sarah Palin Talks To Jimmy Fallon’s “Vladimir Putin” In “Tonight Show” Skit
(Sent in by our Faux Facebook Friend John Becker [1,032 Friends, 105 Mutual Friends], our who didn’t really mean it when he said it was a badge of honor that the Ohio Republican Party hadn’t endorsed him.)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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