Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers    

• We used to be able to get some really important people like presidents, vice presidents, and governors to throw out the first pitch at our Opening Day games, but lately we’ve had to scrape the bottom of the barrel. We’ve finally gone to some of our old Reds “captains” like Davy Concepción and Barry Larkin after using local losers like Mallory and Odd Todd to an over-the-hill recording artist like Nick Lachey, retired Reds broadcasters, police chiefs, and sheriffs, to Joe Torre, losing manager of Team USA in the 2013 World Baseball Classic. —Señor Bob Castellini
• Wouldn’t it be funny if politicians were not permitted to have entries in our Opening Day Parade and some of them walked anyway without being registered or paying the fees? —Findlay Market Parade Committee  
• Wouldn’t it be funny if we showed our viewers a commercial-free Opening Day Parade? —WLWT and WCPO-TV
• Was last night’s so-called midnight deadline to enroll in Obama’s Failed ObamaCare Program just another example of the Obama Administration’s April Fool’s Day Jokes we can expect every day for the next 1,026 unproductive days during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached? —U.S. Over-Taxed Payers
• Somehow, we wonder after receiving all those hysterical e-mails last week before that really vital March 31 fundraising deadline, how long will it be before we receive the next fund-raising e-mail?—Dumbed-Down DemocRAT Donors
• Think of all those local April Fools Day events going on today: Disgraced DemocRAT Former President Jimmy Carter (the Second Worst President in History) is scheduled to be at the Joseph-Beth Bisexual Bookstore in Norwood for a book-signing event; the Hamilton County RINO Party is also planning a fundraising Party that Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP is calling his 2014 Judicial Salute, whatever the hell that is; and the Greater Cincinnati Gay and Lesbian Film Commission will be celebrating that Lezzie Love Story being filmed at Maury’s Tiny Cove in Cheviot. —April Foolers 
• Can you believe a swanky downtown Queen City Club and fancy-dancy University Club let those Lezzie Lovers film at their formerly exclusive clubhouses, but we wouldn’t let them get within a mile of us. —Cincinnati Country Club  
• And don’t forget me, I let those carpet-muching film makers use my poor deceased mother’s house. —John “They Let Me Watch” Barrett
• And an even stupider occurrence will also begin on April 1 this year. That’s when all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, will be able to stand in line for hours outside the Board of Elections instead of slapping a 49-cent stamp (or however much postage the instructions tell you to put on the envelope) to mail in their absentee ballots. —Hamilton County Board of Elections
• Remember in 1980 when Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench?” —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
• Last week we learned what happened when Commissioner Swindle was turned down after he asked if he could throw out the first pitch at the Reds’ Opening Day. —Patronage County Today
• I’m still hoping the Reds will let me throw out the ceremonial first pitch on Gay Night. —Rob “Fighting for “Flutterballs” Portman
• Reds Opening Day is always a big day for us, because there’s no place else near the stadium to go after the game, unless you count the snack bar at The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center. Liz Rogers’ Mahogany’s is going out of business, and the food at the new Horseshoe Casino will never be worth the long walk, since the Trolley Folly won’t take you anywhere near there, even if that boondoggle is ever finished. —Northern Kentucky Chamber of Commerce
• If those honky white landlords really expected my rent check today like I promised, then they’re the April Fools. —Mahogany Liz
• Remember when baseball used to be a game, and it wasn’t just about the money? —Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception
• Isn’t anybody tired of watching Señor Bob pay millions for mediocrity and hope his players over-achieve so this year we can win at least one game in the playoffs? —Typical Rooter Farley Fairweather
• That’s why we chose Bob Lemon’s “Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.”  —Your Quote for Today Committee
• Baseball has been berry, berry good to me. — Chico Escuela
• Skaggie Maggie forgot to put a picture of my wild pitch on the front page yesterday. —Cincinnati’s Former Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory
• A guy called in sick for Opening Day. His boss asks “How sick are you?” The guy says, “I’m home having sex with my sister. Is that sick enough?” —Bobby Leach
• We certainly hope The Fishwrap provides this much coverage for our home opener at Erpenbeck Stadium on May 15. —Florence Freedom Fans
• This year once again, I made sure Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane was NOT asked to throw out the first pitch. —Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen 
• I thought Blondie was going to ask me to throw out the first pitch, but maybe their insurance wouldn’t cover it if I plunked just one more batter. —“BeanBall Jim” Bunning
• I’m already scheduled for the Midget Tossing Night. —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele
• “Sticky Fingers” wants to know if they’re having an “Embezzlers Night.” —Vanilla Hills Civic Club
• How much is the beer at Erpenbeck Stadium? —Nathan “Cornbread” Smith and Michael Liquid Plummer
• How much is a side of beef? —Clueless Marc Wilson
• To see which baseball movies you should be watching before and after Opening Day, CLICK HERE. —Rick “the BatBoy” Robinson
• I used to have a cheerleader client who could’ve helped them get a lot of great publicity. — Eric “Call Me Crazy,” Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Totally Disbarred Yet, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Deters
• Did you know that baseball is Biblical? Eve stole first, Adam stole second, and God threw them both out. —Bible Thumpers Museum
• In my new “tell all” book, you’ll read about all those guys who couldn’t get to first base. —Miss Vicki
• In Fort Mitchell, our husbands don’t really know if they even got on base. —Uptight Bitches who fake their orgasms
• April Fool’s Day comes once a year, but who’s the biggest fool of all? —Goof Doofus
• What do you mean yesterday’s e-dition of The Whistleblower wasn’t a real apology? —Disgraced Former Anderson Township Trustee Kevin P. O’Brien’s Enablers at the Forest Hills Urinal
• Since The Whistleblower’s 2013 Summer Interns (Rachel, Bradley, Ashley, and Hunter) are now all working for Fox News and TEA Party Candidates this year, could you please tell us where to apply for the Whistleblower’s Summer Internship Program? —Huggable Howard Wilkinson and Mean Jean Schmidt’s Former News Flack Barrett Brunsman 
• Could you tell us which one of our local TV anchorbabes got a boob reduction? —Horny in Hebron
• Trish the Dish wants to know if the Reds are mathematically eliminated yet. —TV 19 News 
• Can you believe, I used to have to listen to that every day? —WCPO-TV Helicopter Reporter Dan Carroll (Formerly with TV 19)
• And if all of that isn’t Newsworthy enough, let’s get back to some serious business and watch Judge Jeanine Pirro’s Opening Statement about Putin vs Obama. — Oliver Klozhoff, just returned from looking for Major Yabbos on Spring Break

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially John Barrett.

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E-mail your Opening Day Observations today

Some unsportsmanlike items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally unsportsmanlike subscribers.

NO LONGER WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH VIDEO OF THE DAY

President Bush’s Opening Pitch at Yankee Stadium After 9-11

 (Sent in by Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders [2,906 Friends,  63 Mutual Friends], who for some reason didn’t seem to be in his office Monday afternoon.)

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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