Thursday, February 27, 2014
More Merciless Mockery
For the past several days, The Blower has been making jokes about our Feckless Fishwrappers’ Fetish over “Early Voting.” In Tuesday’s E-dition (published on Monday), we said all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Voters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, would rather ride to downtown Cincinnati on a bus and stand in line for three hours to vote, than mail in absentee ballots.
In Wednesday’s Blower (published on Tuesday), Tattling Troublemaker Tino Delgato joked that almost every day in The Fishwrap you could see pictures of long lines of these same stupid people who hadn’t yet figured out it’s cheaper to mail in an absentee ballot to vote early, instead of walking to their conveniently located neighborhood polling places on Election Day.
So what to our wondering eyes did appear on Wednesday’s Front Page of The Fishwrap? Sharon Coolidge had gushed into print to report that Dumbed-Down DemocRATS were decrying a ruling by GOP Secretary of State John Husted that early voting across Ohio on Sundays had been eliminated. You never heard such caterwauling in your life from Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka. And in Wednesday’s online version, we saw another picture they want you to buy of a long line of Dimwitted DemocRATS waiting to vote. Oh, the humanity! How funny was that?
THE FOIBLES OF FRED: Two years ago in The Blower’s February 24, 2012 E-dition, when DemocRAT Ohio First District Congressional Candidate Fred Kundrata was running as a Republican Congressional Candidate in Ohio’s Second District, Flim-Flamming Flyboy Fred was running through an exhaustive list of celebrities he claimed to know and speak with, ranging from Condoleezza Rice, high military leaders, foreign opposition leaders, and Neil Armstrong. And for a guy who alleged he was not a plant and was honestly running to replace “Mean Jean” Schmidt in Congress, our Flim-Flammer Flyboy spent more time slamming a war hero like “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup, than he actually did criticizing “Mean Jean.” 
UNITED APPALL PEOPLE: Several times a week, alcoholic bartender Paul Puddler visits the John Gilligan Adult Diaper Replacement Clinic for People Who Can’t Stop Leaking, another one of the seemingly endless United Appall Agencies supposedly serving some of the area’s more unfortunate citizens, but mainly providing a paycheck to someone who couldn’t get a real job. Paul hopes the United Appall meets this week’s fundraising goal so he can continue to pick up his daily supply Depends. “I just want to be loved and dry,” says Paul. “Is there anything wrong with that?”
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1827 a group of masked and costumed students danced through the streets of New Orleans, marking the beginning of the city’s famous Mardi Gras celebrations, but Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says it wasn’t until many years later that bars on Mainstrasse in Covington gave women free drinks during Mardi Gras just for showing their beautiful breasts.- NO WONDER OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Bobby Leach’s, “That was good, because I got plenty of beads.”
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane how sorry he would be to see Black History Month come to an end on Friday, as he showed off that picture of Buckwheat Blackwell and himself winning their coveted 2014 Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards, sponsored by Sambo’s Restaurants.
“I wasn’t always into Racial Healing the way I am today,” Kane admitted. “But then one night I had this horrible dream. I was visited by three spooks. First was The Windbag, as ‘The Spook of Black History Month Past,’ next came SMLP Smithermouth as ‘The Spook of Black History Month Present,’ and finally by Belligerent Black Blogger Nate ‘Rhymes With Hate’ Livingston as ‘The Spook of Black History Month Yet To Come.’ Ever since then, it’s been Popeye’s Chicken, Watermelon, and Soul Food Dinners at Mahogany for me.”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Racists.
The Seediest Kids of All
TODAY’S SEEDIEST KID OF ALL is “Me, Greg” Hartmann, an attention-starved Hyde Park second-grader who was never chosen for anything important, no matter how much he sucked up to everybody at school. The reason everybody called him “Me, Greg,” was because he would always jump up and raise his hand and say, “Me, Me, Me!” But his teacher wouldn’t even let him clean the erasers. Class officers wouldn’t even support him for hall monitor. The principal wouldn’t sign his petition for safety patrol. And the coach wouldn’t even let him dress up in a gerbil suit to be the team mascot.
So the Seediest Kids of All (not affiliated with the Failed United Way) called then-Temporary Hamilton County GOP Party Boss George Vincent to arrange for an honor truly befitting “Me, Greg’s” talents and abilities, where he could appear as an example of what not to do at a so-called campaign school where losers were brought in to teach future candidates how to run unsuccessful campaigns. Shakedown lobbyists like Chippy Gerhardt and our Felonious Fund-raiser Dickie Weiland tried to get support from their sleazy lobbyist friends in Columbus, former philandering prosecutor Mike Allen offered his meaningless endorsement, Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney advised “Me, Greg” to call his opponents an asshole, and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane promised not to hold him up to public ridicule.
The Hartmann family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All for helping “Me, Greg” reach his true potential, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your liberal guilt giving and over-taxed payers’ dollars throughout the year which makes it all possible.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our February fund-raising drive Liz Rogers’ Mahogany at the Banks Soul Food Restaurant, for helping promote her going-out-of-business sale.
SARCASM HOT LINE
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Whistleblower Video of the Day
Handjobs for the Homeless
(Sent in by Disgraced Former Anderson Trustee Kevin P. O’Brien—NOT a Faux Facebook Friend )
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