Daily Archives: February 15, 2014

Special “Sorry I Forgot Valentine’s Day” E-dition

Saturday, February 15, 2014

But You Weren’t the Only One Who Forgot

          Remember when you went to grade school and you used to come on Valentine’s Day with a big bag full of Valentine’s from all of your little classmates? Remember how good you felt? Maybe that’s why we’re feeling a little low this morning, because we still can’t stop thinking about all those people who didn’t send us a Valentine this year.

  • image005PRESIDENT OBAMA, who’s spending a undeserved over-taxed payer funded vacation weekend golfing in California while The Mooch doubles the cost with her separate over-taxed- payer-funded holiday somewhere else, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • OBAMA SUPPORTERS IN THE PRESS, who were all too busy promoting the myth that Obama is cutting spending, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS, who were still waiting for jobs and more free stuff, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image007GOP SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE JOHN BOEHNER, who’s really surprised everybody didn’t support his caving in to Obama and the Disingenuous DemocRATS with a clean debt bill, didn’t send us a Valentine.  
  • SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL, who never seems to tire of playing the fool for the DemocRATS, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • SENATOR ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN, who didn’t mention his support for same sex marriage when he spoke to the Northeast Hamilton County Republican Breakfast, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image009OHIO TEA PARTY GUY TOM ZAWISTOWSKI, in spite of the fact that The Blower is the only publication in the world to capitalize “TEA Party,” didn’t send us a Valentine.  
  • OHIO FIRST DISTRICT CONGRESSMAN STEVE CHABOTHEAD, who couldn’t stop blogging about how he was named the most Conservative member of Congress, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • OHIO SECOND DISTRICT CONGRESSMAN “BRONZE STAR BRAD” WENSTRUP, who just sent us a survey to fill out about the important issues of the day (at over-taxed payer expense, of course), didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • KENTUCKY FOURTH DISTRICT CONGRESSMAN THOMAS MASSIE, who says there’s no magic pot of money in Washington, D.C. to pay for the $3.5 billion Brent Spence Bridge project, didn’t send us a Valentine.  
  • image008BUCKWHEAT BLACKWELL, who along with Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane Charles Foster Kane is a finalist for this year’s Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • DILDO WORLD CEO PATTY BRISBEN, whose 60% off sale on all “Business Starter kits” ends today, didn’t send us a Valentine. 
  • MICKEY ESPOSITO, who said his dance card was full for last night’s light’s out festivities in prison, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • FRANK WEIKEL, who said it was only 64 degrees at 3:00 PM yesterday afternoon in Punta Gorda, Florida, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image027REVERED FORMER CONGRESSMAN BOB MCEWEN, who said it was only 65 degrees at 3:02 PM when he was freezing his nuts off trying to swim in the ocean in Naples, Florida, didn’t send a Valentine. 
  • FORMER WLW HATE RADIO TRASH TALKER DARYLL PARKS, who can’t tell people “Anybody who votes for a school levy is stupid” this year, because the Forrest Gump Schools won’t have a tax hike on the May ballot, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP, who’s still on a “Fool’s Errand” trying to bring the 2016 Republican National Convention to Cincinnati, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image019DIMINUTIVE DEMOCRAT CINCINNATI MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY, who says he can hardly wait until March 15 for this year’s Backstabbers Day Celebration, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • STATE REP-TILE PETE BECK, now facing a total of 69 felony counts and is under pressure to resign his General Assembly seat, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • STATE REP-TILE STEVECIA REECE, whose proposed “Ohio Voters Bill of Rights” proposal was rejected by Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWhine on Thursday because its summary was not a fair and truthful statement in her application, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image025STATE REP-TILE PETER $TAUTBERG (the best State Rep-Tile Money Can Buy), who avoided the recent Anderson Township TEA Party because he was afraid “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman’s friends would lynchj him, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • DITZY DEMOCRAT TRACIE HUNTER, now a Defrocked DemocRAT Judge, sitting at home waiting to be a Disbarred DemocRAT while Judge Sylvia “Big Momma” Hendon sent those poor misunderstood yoofs to jail Tracie had been protecting all this time, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES, who claim to have uncovered important information about Blue Ash Clowncilman Rick Bryan, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image022LIZ ROGERS AT MAHOGANY ON THE BANKS, who couldn’t scrape together 49-cents for a new postage stamp, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • FRED KUNDRATA, who ran unsuccessfully for Congress as a Republican against “Mean Jean” Schmidt in Ohio’s Second District in 2012, but is now trying to run even more unsuccessfully for Congress as a Dumb-Down DemocRAT in Ohio’s First District against Steve Chabotthead, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • “MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT, whose big return to politics has not has turned out to be attempting to regain her former seat in Congress, but as a lowly Clermont County Central Committee Candidate against a couple of unknown guys like Kirk McCracken and Robert Messer. didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image011WHISTLEBLOWER ALTERNATIVE LIFE-STYLE CONTRIBUTORS BEN DOVER AD PHIL MCKREVIS, who were too busy enjoying their naughty candy hearts on Valentine’s Day, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • HURLEY THE HISTORIAN, who says on this date in 1898, a massive explosion of unknown origin sunk the battleship USS Maine in Cuba’s Havana harbor, killing 260 of the fewer than 400 American crew members aboard and an official U.S. government inquiry has still not affixed the blame, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE, who chose Henny Youngman’s “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it,” didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image012TEA PARTY PATRIOTS, who say there’s still time to impeach the first black president during Black History month, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • DISGRACED FORMER MASTURBATING ANDERSON TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE KEVIN O’BRIEN, who still hasn’t sent us an announcement about where he’s now working,” didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • JUDGE “MASTURBATING MIKE” BARRETT, who has everything well in hand but says he doesn’t get his name in The Blower often enough these days, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS, who still manages to get his name in The Fishwrap, even though he’s been suspended from practicing law in both Ohio and Kentucky,  didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image024HAMILTON COUNTY DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA, who still says investigating Hamilton County Republican Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters’ 2012 voting address is “not political,” didn’t send us a Valentine. 
  • OUR GOOD FRIEND KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS, whose “This Week in Kenton Circuit Court” is bursting at the seams with ugly mugs depicting the usual druggies, thugs, thieves, and scum bags, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • NORTHERN KENTUCKY DEMOCRAT DOMINATRIX KATHY GROOB, who can’t wait to invite Disgraced Former Pants Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton to her house in Fort Mitchell to support DemocRAT Alison Wondergams Grimes’ campaign to unseat Bitch McConnell in the U.S. Senate, which everybody knows is nothing more than a rehearsal for Hillary’s big campaign for President in 2016, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • image013BOBBY LEACH, reminding us that there are still a little more than four more weeks to wait for BB&BJ Day, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • CONSERVATIVE BLUEGRASS SENATOR RAND PAUL, who cancelled his trip (because of the threat of a few snowflakes) to Northern Kentucky on Friday to attend a community forum in Wilder and then speak to the Federalist Society at Northern Kentucky University, didn’t send us a Valentine.
  • BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE’S FELLOW SURVIVORS AT THE ANDERSON HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 1956, who attended that wild Game Night in the basement of a church, didn’t send a Valentine.
  • BUNKY TADWELL, who’s still too busy watching the skies for Killer Drones over Cleves, didn’t send us a Valentine.

image021Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially people who didn’t send us a Valentine!

SORRY I FORGOT VALENTINE’S DAY HOT LINE

e-mail your most abject apologies today.

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Some really remorseful items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really remorseful subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.

MORE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL CARTOONS

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Whistleblower Video of the Day

Zooey Deschanel Sings *You Forgot About Valentine’s Day*

(Sent in Faux Facebook Friend Duffy “The Kevin Slayer” Beischel)

image021Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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“Be My Valentine” by James Jay Schifrin 

image023Have you ever wondered why they make such a big deal out of Valentine’s Day? Next Monday, they’ll even close down everything because Valentine’s Day fell on a Sunday this year.

How did things get so out of hand? The Romans had this nice little bawdy festival called Lupercalia. It was the Super Bowl of Sex in those days. After sacrificing goats and a dog, priests dressed up in goat girdles and ran around slapping women with goatskin straps to help take away their infertility. Kind of like sending someone you love a Goat-Gram.

But the person most responsible for making Valentine’s Day a commercial success was Al Capone. Times were bad. Valentines weren’t selling. So the greeting card companies hired Capone to stage a media event in a Chicago garage. It must have worked. This year, Hallmark estimates 840 million cards will be sent.

You used to be able to buy a whole box of Valentines for a quarter. They just said “To My Valentine.” Now they have hundreds of “special cards”—cards for mothers, fathers, wives, and sweethearts. They have humorous cards, and not so humorous cards. They have contemporary cards and cards with Miss Piggy. I didn’t see any special cards for mistresses or gay people. I suppose cards to “secret pals” should be sent to them.

For a long time I though Valentine’s Day had been invented by the candy companies. For a while, they were thinking of changing the name to Whitman’s Sampler Day. Don’t you hate the fact that they will only give you one chocolate-covered cherry and nobody will touch your nougats?

The best thing is to get married on Valentine’s Day. Besides showing her how much you love her, you’ll save buying one present each year. Even better, marry someone whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day, too.

Now let’s see, what can I send that special someone for Valentine’s Day? Mushy cards are up to $2.50. I can’t send candy, either. She always grabs the chocolate-covered cherries. I could send her up to the Toyota dealer. They’re having a romantic Valentine’s Day Special on lube jobs. But no…

It’s time to get back to basics. Let’s remember the real meaning of Valentine’s Day. Does anybody know where I can find a goat?

image021This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press on February 10, 1982.

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