Friday, February 14, 2014
Cowards in Congress
Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says Conservatives all over America are trying to figure out which man is the bigger coward—GOP House Speaker John Boehner for caving in to Obama and the Disingenuous DemocRATS one more time by enthusiastically supporting that so-called clean debt ceiling hike in the House, or Senate Surrender Caucus Leader Bitch McConnell who provided the key vote in the Upper Chamber.
But not to worry—the debt of the U.S. government has only increased by $2.678 trillion in the 2.5 years since Boehner completed his first deal to put legislation increasing the debt limit through a Republican-controlled House of Representatives and McConnell went along with him.
Is it any wonder the Senate Conservatives Fund is calling on House Republicans to force out Speaker Boehner and released a devastating new web ad on Wednesday portraying Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is trying to bully and intimidate conservatives just like the IRS is?
Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
Why, it’s none other than Texas TEA Party Senator Ted Cruz, whose filibuster forced McConnell to vote publically to increase the DemocRAT Debt Ceiling without a single dollar in spending cuts. Which is probably why our Quote for Today Committee chose Cruz’s “Let’s be clear about the motive behind this vote — there are too many members of Congress who think they can fool people and they will forget about it the next week, but sometimes, come November, the people remember.”
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting Real Republicans who make life miserable for RINOs wherever they are to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors. Hurley the Historian says it’s the least we can do on the day we honor St. Valentine for getting himself beheaded.
- HOW TO CREATE A SOCIALIST STATE” by Saul Alinsky (an American community organizer and writer. He is generally considered to be the “founder of modern community organizing.” He is often noted for his book “Rules for Radicals.”)
There are eight levels of control that must be obtained before you are able to create a socialist state. The first is the most important.
1) Healthcare: Control healthcare and you control the people
2) Poverty: Increase the Poverty level as high as possible, poor people are easier to control and will not fight back if you are providing everything for them to live.
3) Debt: Increase the debt to an unsustainable level. That way you are able to increase taxes, and this will produce more poverty.
4) Gun Control: Remove the ability to defend themselves from the Government. That way you are able to create a police state.
5) Welfare: Take control of every aspect of their lives (Food, Housing, and Income)
6) Education: Take control of what people read and listen to – take control of what children learn in school.
7) Religion: Remove the belief in the God from the Government and schools.
8) Class Warfare: Divide the people into the wealthy and the poor. This will cause more discontent and it will be easier to take (Tax) the wealthy with the support of the poor.
Now, think…Does any of this sound like what is happening in America during the Obama Administration?
- “NEW MEDICARE PART G” by Bluegrass Rifle Association Spokesman Billy Bob Carbine
You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.
Of course, this means you’ll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a home.
And, you can get rid of four useless politicians while you’re at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.
Is this a great country or what?
- “PRESIDENT DUMB ASS” by Noted Whistleblower South Carolina Political Reporter Gamecock Tadwell
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina, Obama asked the children in the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.”
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and said: “Well, dumb ass, stop clappin!”
- AND A QUICKIE by our Good Friend Bobby Leach
These two short sentences speak volumes about our government and our culture:
1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money, but do we ever hear about Welfare running out of money? What’s interesting is Social Security recipients worked for their money – Welfare Recipients did not.
These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.
Today’s Black History Month Moment
At yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about this year’s Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month, (now called Half-Black History Month in honor Obama). Kane and Buckwheat Blackwell are finalists, and Award-winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception thinks those guys have a pretty good chance.
Stories We’re Working On
Another Ice Storm Coming- Valentine’s Day May Be Ruined
- Roses Frozen in Transit
- FedX Can’t Deliver Your Candygrams
- Level-Three Travel Alert
- Romantic Restaurants Closed Tonight
- Pharmacies Run Out of Viagra
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they planned to celebrate Presidents’ Day this year:
(A) Getting a day off with pay: 2%
(B) Buying a mattress: 1%
(C) Getting a BJ like President Clinton did: 1%
(D) Working: 94%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
Procrastinator Punished
This week, everybody who thinks Valentine’s Day should be a national holiday e-mailed entries to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
Our winner is well-known postponer Danny Dawdler, who says, “Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till next week.” But Danny advises you not to forget St. Valentine’s Day. Your car will be covered in guano. Not only without a good roll in the hay, you’ll likely be singing soprano.
Danny wins an autographed copy of Lothario Leach’s new book, “Dating Tips for Horny Guys,” a Whitman’s Sampler with all the chocolate-covered cherries already eaten, a copy of The Blower’s Top Ten Things Men Shouldn’t Say Out Loud When They’re Shopping for a Valentine’s Day Gift at Victoria’s Secret, and a gift basket of clitoral vibrators and such from Dildo World CEO Patty Brisben, just like the ones Joe “The Gals in the Office All Love Me” Braun arranged for his Strauss & Troy partners to give to their spouses and girl friends. His winning entry is:
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
And want to find someone to lay
It’ll cost lots of money
‘Cause we know that your honey
Won’t give you the time of the day
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Boy, will there be hell that you pay
You are in deep trouble
But if you grovel and grovel
You might get some by next May.
Other Dishonorable Mentions Include
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Is it a sign of your love’s decay?
Are you so obsessed with Obama
That you can’t take care of yo’ Mama,
‘Cause that tingle in your leg’s still in play?
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
You will pay, boy will you pay
Better make up to her
With jewelry and fur
Or wait till July to get laid
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
And that he was martyred in a most cruel way,
Just think what might happen to you
If you fail to give your spouse her due:
Your tube steak will be served as a filet.
Our Good Friend Bobby Leach sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Boy, oh boy, will you ever pay
You will have to give and you’ll give
For as long as you live.
On the outside chance you’ll get laid.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
Show her you care in an original way.
With a new drill bit or a Swiffer
With you she won’t differ,
And she’ll know that your love’s no cliché!
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
No matter how much you say,
“I’m sorry, my dear,”
It is perfectly clear
That you ain’t gonna get laid.
Our Good Friend E Rob Sanders sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
To ensure that your partner will stay:
Just promise her a little piece
Of Obama’s Porkulus fleece:
It’s sure to put her passions in play.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
When you do, there’s not much you can say;
To get out of trouble,
It’ll at least cost you double,
For forgiveness, there’s a higher price to pay.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
No matter what you might say
You might beg, you might plea
But she’ll make you see
It’ll be August until you get laid.
Horny in Hebron sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
There is nothing good you can say,
Forgive you she will not,
For the roses you “forgot”,
And for the rest of your life, you will pay!
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t expect a roll in the hay
Take my advice
And just pay the price
It’ll take diamonds to make it OK.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
It matters not a bit what you say
Get an expensive present
That she won’t resent
You know how that game she will play
“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t expect a nice roll in the hay.
She might even fake
A permanent headache
Which will bother you only if you’re not gay
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
But still hope for a roll in the hay
Don’t hold your breath,
She’ll snub you to death,
You’ll score when Hell freezes away.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Guess what price you’re gonna pay?
When you jump into bed
Your sex life will be DEAD,
But remember, you can still buy something on E-bay!
“In Russ We Trust” Jackson sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Oh, boy, oh boy, will you pay
You’ll have to wait
Till September the eighth
If you ever want to get laid.
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
And you don’t know quite what to say
Just tell her, ya’ know
You had to shovel the snow
Maybe she’ll buy that, okay?
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
And you’re looking for a roll in the hay
Your only hope for gratification
Rhymes with (… uh, you know)
Unless, of course, you are gay.
Archie Wilson sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
Let me tell you there will be Hell to pay.
Buy diamonds, my friend
Don’t sweat how much you spend,
Every kiss begins with Kay.
Don’t get some stupid Vermont Teddy Bear
Or half-naked nightie that she’ll never wear,
She don’t give a damn
‘Bout no stupid PajamaGram
Get her two carats shaped marquis, round, or pear.
Rob “Fighting for Free Love” Portman sent us these
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t hope for a roll in the hay.
You got no Vermont Teddy Bear
Or sexy pajamas she can wear,
So now you are going to pay.
You coulda got chocolates or flowers,
Or helped do the housework for a few hours,
But you sat on your rear,
Ate Doritos and drank beer,
And took Viagra to restore your “powers.”
Maybe this time you’ll learn your lesson,
And regret to your girl you’ll be confessin’
Do better next year
Or you will live in fear
That she’ll come after you with her Smith & Wesson.
And from our Anderson Laureate, who says “I never knew so many romantic guys read The Blower”:
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day
There’s a helluva price you will pay
Women are aware
Of how much you care
They judge by things you do, not just say.
But if by chance you have an excuse,
Ask her if she’ll grant you a truce,
Swear you’ll never forget
A Valentine’s card to get
And buy her a bottle of fermented grape juice.
If you happen to be a lucky cookie
You might end up getting some nookie
But if you don’t score
Try not to get sore,
It just proves you’re a sexual rookie.
Oh by the way, don’t fall for that ad on TV
With the Vermont Teddy Bear for a large fee
They won’t think it’s from Cupid
Girls aren’t that stupid
I can tell you it didn’t work for me.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The best part about Dead Presidents Day”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Frozen Fornicators.
CONSERVATIVE VALENTINES HOT LINE
e-mail your passionate prose today.
Some really romantic items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really romantic subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Whistleblower Link of the Day
The Date – A Short and Funny Film For Valentine’s Day
(Sent in by Mike “Horn Dog #81” Allen—NOT a FaceBook Friend)
PLUS
Every 7 Seconds: The Date
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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