Saturday, January 25, 2014

Happy Opposite Day, Everybody…

…when everything you say and do are supposed to be the opposite of what you really mean. If you say “yes,” you mean “no.” If you say “turn left,” you mean “turn right.” And if you say “I love you,” you really mean “I hate you.”

We’re not really sure who created Opposite Day, but some sources vaguely connect the holiday to President Calvin Coolidge. Coolidge told the press “I do not choose to run” in the 1928 election, which left everyone wondering if he really meant the opposite.

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1961, John F. Kennedy held the first live televised presidential news conference, and presidents of both parties have been telling us the opposite of what we mean on TV ever since.
THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Obama’s “If you like your health plan, you can keep it,” because all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters don’t care if Obama means what he says.
IN WASHINGTON: Disingenuous DemocRATS really plan to run for reelection on ObamaCare in 2014. Republicans in Congress really plan to boycott Obama’s State of Disunion Address next Tuesday. The EPA says this year’s winter freeze is really caused by Global Warming. And The IRS says, “We’re really not targeting the TEA Party or Conservatives.”
WHISTLEBLOWER BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says, “Your portfolio really looked good at the close of business on Friday because of the way Investors think of the way Obama is handling the Economy.”
IN OHIO: GOP Governor Kasich Taylor is really worried about being defeated by Doomed DemocRAT Ed Fitzgerald, almost as much the Endorsed DemocRAT Gubernatorial Nominee is who is really worried about being defeated by Deranged DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune in the May 6 primary.
IN CINCINNATI: Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley really looks forward to all that cooperation from all those people on Clown-cil he helped get elected during the remainder of his four-year term. Soreheads in the Suburbs say we’re not really afraid of being murdered by thugs if we come downtown. And Stupid Streetcar Supporters say there won’t be any problem finding enough “private money” to operate Dainty Departed Mayor Mark Mallory’s Trolley Folly.
IN HAMILTON COUNTY: GOP Commissioners Me, Greg Hartmann and Chris Monzel say they’ll really never just give away the rights to the stadium name to the greedy Bungals. Republican Party Hacks say they really hope Ditzy DemocRAT Indicted Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Winker doesn’t go to jail. And Hamilton County Treasurer Rob Goering says it’s OK if your jacked up property tax payment doesn’t get to his office before midnight on January 31, since they’d never charge you all that interest and a penalty if your check arrives a few days late.
IN ELMWOOD PLACE: Mayor Robert Schmid says his City will be happy to refund all $1.8 million in traffic fines Judge Ruehlman says must be returned
OUR FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS say, “Diversity is not all that important.”
REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES say they will continue to support tax-and-spend Republicans.
FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS say, “Diversity is not all that important.”
IN SPORTS: Cincinnati Bungals owner “Millionaire Mik”e Brown says with Marvin Lewis still managing the team, the Bungals will be going to the Super Bowl next year. At the Cincinnati Reds, Senor Bob Castellini says his team will win at least one playoff game in 2014. And Tommy Tuberville says his UC Bearcats football team should have no trouble beating the Ohio State Buckeyes by at least 30 points on September 27 in Columbus.
OUR GOOD FRIEND JOE WESSELS says, “I’m not really laying it on a little thick about my 40th birthday today.”
AT THE HAMILTON COUNTY BOARD OF ELECTIONS, Demo-Labor Boss Tim Burka says investigating Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters’ voting address is still not “political,” RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP says there will be no problem moving to the boondocks, since the DemocRAT Party will continue to bus illegal voters to the new location, and the entire board concurs that the new location will make it even harder for A Big Pain-in-the-Ass like Jay Janus to attend their meetings, if they make sure the place is NOT handicap accessible.
IN CLERMONT COUNTY: “Mean Jean’s” personal marionette GOP Chairman Tim Rudd denies he’s running the most corrupt political organization in Ohio.
IN PATRONAGE COUNTY: People there say we’re really covering the news in the Tri-state.
LOCAL CONGRESSMEN: Steve Chabothead says he’s really worried about having to run against a Duplicitous DemocRAT like PG Sitt-n-Spin in this fall’s election. “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup is sure “Mean Jean” Schmidt will not be challenging him in the March Primary. John Boehner promises not to cave in to Obama on raising the debt limit next month and is really worried about those TEA Party guys with no money running against him, matching Bluegrass Ball Buster Thomas Massie’s concern over NoKY Chamber Guy finding any real money to run against him.
LOCAL SENATORS: Rob “Fighting for Fagellas” Portmam says he hopes all his gay-rights supporters show up on February 8 when he’s the featured speaker at the Northeast Hamilton County Republican Party Pancake Breakfast for 18th time. Senate Surrender Monkey Bitch McConnell says he’s not impressed with the ground game Bluegrass TEA Party Patriots to unleash against him. Alison Wondergams Grimes says she’ll have more than enough money to run against McConnell this fall with NoKY DemocRAT Dominatrix Kathy Groob organizing bake sales in Northern Kentucky. And Senator Rand Paul says he has not yet made up his mind if he’s running for president in 2016.
ALSO IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders says he hasn’t yet made up his mind about running for Lieutenant Governor. Terry “the Smiling Jailer” Carl says his inmates really enjoy baloney sandwiches. And the Kentucky Bar Association says they’ve been quite busy lately and haven’t gotten around to thinking about returning Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters’ suspended law license.
TEA PARTY PATRIOTS say they’re really getting organized this time so they can take over their county’s Central Committee by getting their people elected in every precinct.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY says just because their motto is “Help Yourself!” it doesn’t mean they believe in stealing everybody else’s stuff.
IN ANDERSON: Newly elected Anderson Township Trustee Gerth Pappas says the reason Thursday Night’s Monthly Trustees meeting (that used to take two hours) was over in 23 minutes flat, was because Masturbating Former Trustee Kevin “Big Spanky” O’Brien was no longer there asking all those really important questions. Way to go, Pappas! You only have 47 more monthly trustees meetings to go.

Also in Anderson, the lawyers at Stagnaro, Saba, and Patterson are saying “The workmen did a really fine job of taking Outcast COAST Attorney Chris Finney’s name off our building, even if it looks like they were using our sign for target practice with a howitzer.”

FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane told Political Insiders, “Every day is an ‘Opposite Day’ for politicians, because you can’t trust any of those lying bastards ever to tell you the truth,” which was probably the truth, since yesterday wasn’t “Opposite Day.”

This is the Official “Opposite Day” E-dition. Any other “Opposite Day” E-dition you might possibly see is surely a fake.

OPPOSITE DAY HOT LINE

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“Under the Influence” by James Jay Schifrin

The big news last week in Patronage County was the grand-jury indictment of former Commissioner Victor Spoils.

“It’s shocking!” said special persecutor Marvin Mandamus at a tearful press conference on the courthouse steps. “Spoils actually tried to use his influence to get a county job after he left office.”

Spoils administrative assistant denied the charges. “I’ve known Commissioner Spoils for ten years. His only fault might be that he’s too naïve and trusting of the people around him. I’m confident he’ll be cleared of any willful wrongdoing,” he declared.

But the present commissioners echoed the outrage:

Commissioner Pilfer, who arrived from his other job in a county welfare car, said, “It’s the worst case of fraud I’ve ever seen. He must’ve asked every official in the county for a job. Guys like Spoils five the system a bad name.”

Commissioner Filch returned from the Inauguration in Washington in time to meet the press. “How disgusting,” he said. No wonder the taxpayers of Patronage County think we’re all a bunch of crooks.”

Commissioner Swindle, who defeated Spoils in the November election, said, that he hated to see this happen to anyone, even a Democrat. But he added, “If we don’t draw the line, the next thing you know, people will be conducting political campaigns from the courthouse.”

Then they all agreed, “We wouldn’t be surprised if Spoils had been using his influence the whole time he’d been in office.”

Spoils was dragged out kicking and screaming. Then they ran him out of town on a rail. He offered no apologies. But in an exclusive interview with TV anchorman Rick Schottleclooney, Spoils asked a curious question that no one has been able to answer.

“Damn!” he said. “If I’d been using my influence all these years, why would I need a job?”

This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press on February 4. 1980.

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Daily Archives: January 25, 2014

Special “Opposite Day” E-dition