One of the best parts about publishing The Whistleblower Newswire is checking our e-mail first thing each morning to see some of those politically insightful items we’ve received from our equally politically insightful subscribers. Our readers’ comments are extremely helpful for our analysis and interpretation of today’s important top stories.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
And Ohio Inmates Are Begging for the Electric Chair
FROZEN PIPES ARE NO JOKE: Joe “The Plumber” says you should try to remember to drain all water from pipes if leaving for an extended amount of time. If you are heading south on I-75 to Florida, be sure to cut the main water valve off and drain all water from pipes to ensure that there is no freezing and damage while you are away.
Larry from Yorktown, Virginia says proponents of global warming are saying that all of this snow and cold weather is actually being caused by global warming. When the next ice age arrives it too will be the result of global warming. And did you know that there is a difference between climate and weather? Well I don’t know about you, but I always thought that the weather determined the climate of a region. We could always apply the Pat Robertson theory to our weather patterns, it’s a voodoo curse on Washington.
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1968, the USS Pueblo, a Navy intelligence vessel, was captured by the North Koreans. Come to think of it, we had a DemoCRAT in the White House then, too.
NO WONDER OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Obama’s “Sometimes, doing nothing is the best reaction.”- IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says he got a lot of calls about yesterday’s Operation Desert Storm for 23 years ago, and many of our current readers wanted to see some of the other news items only found in The Blower.
Inside that Edition, stories included DemocRATS in Congress say, “Give the bombing more time.”
Jane Fonda’s plans to visit the Iraqi troops in Baghdad.
And Homosexual ROTC cadets at UC couldn’t decide what to protest.
Plus, just about every other story had something to do with that very short war, which somehow still seems to be going on.
- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders asked Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why the Whistleblower’s Annual Countdown Day is being celebrated at precisely 3:23 PM this afternoon. “Because that’s the first time I began counting something down,” Kane started to explain.
“There I was in Fort Thomas, Kentucky,” Kane continued to recount. “It was exactly 3:23 PM on the afternoon of January 23, 1961. I was standing with my right hand raised, along with a bunch of other really stupid guys, being sworn in as an enlisted man in the U.S Army. And while I was taking the oath to obey the orders of some totally incompetent idiots during the next three years, I suddenly understood how stupid I had been to enlist for three years, instead of serving for two years under the draft. That Patriotic Countdown began at 1,065 days. But it was only one more day than the time remaining in the Divided States of America during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless he’s impeached.
How’s that for a freaking coincidence?
Seediest Kids of All
The Eldon Pudpuller Story
Eldon Pudpuller was a very troubled 12-year-old lad who ran up a whopping $38,000 telephone bill last month making calls to 1-900 phone-sex lines, all because his hero, Disgraced Former Masturbating Anderson Township Trustee Kevin O’Brien had been in court “getting off” on a technicality for trying to “get off” in front of a Wellborn woman and Eldon couldn’t combine “whacking off” with show-and-tell at his Forrest Gump School. The Forest Hills Urinal got hold of the story, and soon none of the Pudpullers could show their faces in public.
So the Seediest Kids of All sent over tapes of calls to the same phone-sex lines made by guys who’d worked their asses off on “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s campaign and hadn’t even been called back on interviews for jobs in Ohio’s new Second Congressional District Office in Anderson.
Now Eldon listens to grown-ups talking dirty any time he wants and it doesn’t cost his family a dime. He’s learning a lot about township government at the same time. He’s studying hard in school and when he grows up, he wants to be a public official too. Just like Disgraced Former Masturbating Anderson Township Trustee Kevin “Spanky” O’Brien, and then they could be called “Big Spanky” and “Little Spanky.”
The entire Pudpuller family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All, but it’s you they really have to thank, because it’s your guilt throughout the year which makes it all possible.
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e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
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Today’s edition is supposedly being brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our January fund-raising drive the very apologetic folks at Time Warner Business Class, but going on their performance so far during the month, we’re not holding out breath.
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Some cold weather-hyped items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally cold-weather hyping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
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