Saturday, January 18, 2014
Who Says The Blower is Unfairly Balanced
For the past year, The Whistleblower Newswire has been exclusively reporting about how some people had been calling it “sloppy work” on the part of “JayWalking Joe” Deters’ prosecutors that allowed Masturbating Anderson Township Trustee Kevin O’Brien to “get off” on a technicality for trying to “get off” in front of a Wellborn woman in a parked car.
Pervert Attorney James “The Rock” Bogen said maybe the prosecutor’s office shouldn’t have let Spanky’s attorney dazzle Judge Rucker (not known for making pro-defense rulings) with his argument that Spanky was just doing some hands-on field research about the Penal Code as part of his official trustee duties, or maybe he was trying to get a job as a personal trainer and was teaching the lady some arm exercises! Incidentally, the arresting officer’s name was “Cox.”
Some online legal experts commenting on the Fishwrap Follow-up (“Anderson Twp. trustee’s public indecency charges dropped because only one person saw it”) said O’Brien should’ve been charged with “Sexual Assault,” instead of public weenie-whacking.
But at the Whistleblower Legal Dream Team, Noted ACLU Attorney Scott Greenwood said, “They must have thought the assault or sexual imposition charge would be hard to prove. The takeaway message for all you perverts out there is: ‘when weenie-whacking, make sure only one other person is present to be offended.’ “
The “First Line” last year on that Friday’s weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest was “In Anderson, Our Disgraceful Trustee,” and Trustee-in-Charge “In Russ We Trust” Jackson invited residents to read their limericks at that Thursday night’s Monthly Trustees Meeting at the Anderson Government Center, which was televised live on Anderson Community TV.- Anderson Township Women’s Groups even showed up to circulate petitions asking Hamilton County’s New Sheriff Jim Neil’s Deputies to conduct a “Penis Lineup” that would also be televised live on Anderson Community TV, so the proper charge against the Township’s Best Known Pickle Tickler might be filed, and WLW Radio’s Lisa Wells wondered if size mattered when that Wellborn woman was asked to identify Kevin’s Pee Wee Weenie.
The greatest honor to befall The Blower from all that coverage was, to be sure, when we received the “Choking Chicken Award” from the American Society of Male Masturbators after Whacky Jackie O’Brien’s Illegitimate Son Kevin became that group’s 2013 Poster Boy.
But Marvin Mandamus had said the prosecutor’s charges weren’t “specific” enough, and terms like “Public Masturbation” or “Indecent Exposure” were not colorful enough to describe Disgraced Anderson Trustee Kevin O’Brien’s mendacious masturbating.
- That’s why last Saturday, our Cunning Linguist at The Blower published hundreds of those vile-and-disgusting terms. It was one of the most well-read Whistleblower e-ditions in history. [READ MORE HERE]
Unfortunately, Francine the Fanatical Feminist protested that the list in last Saturday’s e-dition catalogued only “Male Masturbation” terms, and said if The Blower really wanted to be fair-and-balanced, we would’ve provided a list of “Female Masturbation” terms as well. Whistleblower Researcher Fearless Ferrett was all over that challenge like a muff diver on mescaline, and Straus & Troy’s Joe Braun successfully negotiated with his favorite client, Patty Brisbane at Dildo World, to sponsor this Lotta Labia List.
A night in with the girls, air the orchid, the amazing disappearing finger trick, audition the finger puppets. Beat off, beating around the bush, brush the beaver, buff the beaver. 
Caress the clitoris, carpet bumping, checking for squirrels, clam bake for one, clean your fingers, climbing mons veneris, clit-flitting, come into your own, couch hockey for one, creamin’, cunt cuddling, cunt-hunting. Dialing the rotary phone, diddle, digging for clams, dirty dancing for one, do handiwork, douse the digits, drilling for fish, drilling for oil, dropping in the manhole, drown the man in the boat. 
Engage in safe sex, erase the problem (’cause you rub ’til it comes off…). Fan the fur, feed the bearded clam, finger painting, finger-walking to the “Y”, fingering the front fanny, fist f**k, flickin’ the bean, flit your clit, flipping the breaker, fluffin the “muff”in, frap, frig/frigging. Gagging the clam, Gash-lashing, genital stimulation via phalangetic motion, gentle the genitalia, get a date with Slick Mittens, get a fat lip, get a lube job, get to know yourself, giving a noogie to your monkey, going mining, grab the goatee, grease the dildo (or cucumber, if you’re feeling vegetarian), grease your hips, grinding the bump, grope the grotto, grissle rub, gusset typing, gully whompin. Have it off, have sex with someone you love, hitchhiking south, hitchhike to heaven, hitchhike under the big top, hitting the volume control. Jack off, jazz yourself, jerk off, jill off, “just reading, mom”. 
Leglock the pillow, let your fingers do the walking, lubricate the labia. Making bubbles, making soup, manual override, man overboard, muffin buffin’. Nothing else to do, nulling the void. Oiling your holster, one-handed bridge. Paddling the pink canoe, parting the Red Sea, pearl fishing, Pet the pussy, playing centipede, playing with your gerbil, play the clitar, play poker, playing with her pineapple, polishing the pearl, poking the hairpiece, powdering your nose, pressing the escape button, priming the pump, pushing the panic button, pussy-pushing, pussy soccer. Ride slide saddle, ride the unicycle, ride the tubsput, riding the buzz bomb, riding the rubber boyfriend, rolling the dough, rose palm’s big sister, row the little man in the boat, rubbin’ the nubbin, rub off, rub one out, runnin’ your finger through your hair. 
Self abuse, shuck the oyster, silk abuse, sinking the vibrating sub, slick abuse, soaking the whisker biscuit, solo sex, spearing the bearded clam, spelunking, squeeze the peach, stinky pinky, stirring the taco, stir the yogurt, stoke it, stroke it, stroke off, stroking the magic lamp, stroking the nether-beard, strumming the banjo, stuff the taco, somebody’s got to do it, surf the wet, surfing the channel. Tapping the keg, teasing the tuna taco, test the plumbing, the art of unisex, the saddlehorn samba, the two-finger tango, the virgin’s release, thinking about fabio, thumb the button, tickle my fancy, tickling the taco, tickling the tuna, toss off, tiptoe through the two lips, toggling the bit, tossing pink salad, touch-toning, trolling the Bermuda Triangle, tugging at the vertical smile, turning on the juice, twiddling the toggle, two finger taco tango. Visit Father Fingers. Wank, wash your fingers, water the hot spot, wax the carrot, wax the saddle. You’re soaking in it.
This is the Official List of Euphemisms for Female Masturbation. Any other List of Euphemisms for Female Masturbation would surely be a fake.
(And Ladies, on the off chance you feel this list is incomplete, please e-mail us your favorite Term of Endearment today.) (And guys, to show her how much you really care, read this list with someone you love.)
FEMALE MASTURBATION TERMS HOT LINE
e-mail your egregious euphemisms today
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers.
Link of the Day
Jen Kirkman Effinfunny Stand Up – Female Masturbation
PLUS (FOR THE GUYS)
Famous Muff Masters Classic
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
“Signs of the Times” by James Jay Schifrin
There was quite a stir in Patronage County last week when it was discovered that someone had been tampering with the signs at the courthouse.
Rick Schottleclooney, the area’s number one leading TV anchorman, pre-empted four-and-one-half hours of afternoon soap operas to treat viewers to another award-winning “Special Report.” Linked by remote cameras at each of the three commissioners’ law offices, Schottleclooney got nowhere trying to uncover the scandal.
“Tell our audience, commissioners, why the name of the courthouse was changed to COURT HOUSE—two words in 16-inch-high silver letters, when everybody knows it’s all one word,” Schottleclooney challenged.
“We had a long discussion about whether it should be one word or two,” said Commissioner Pilfer. “Then we let our secretary decide.” “People in Patronage County are stupid,” said Commissioner Filch. “They can’t read long words.”
“That’s right,” agreed Commissioner Swindle. “We even had to change the WO MEN’S restrooms, the PROSE CUT OR’s and TREA SURER’S office, along with DOME STIC RELATIONS and JU VENILE court.”
“But isn’t it true, Commissioner Swindle, that the Swindle Sign Company installed all the signs and that plans were drawn by the Swindle Architect Company on specifications from your illegitimate son who works in the building department?” Schottleclooney asked.
The commissioners hung tough. It was as if they’d even rehearsed their answers. After the newscast, they got together to celebrate. “Schottleclooney’s a jerk,” they all laughed. “He should’ve figured out the new signs were being paid for by the word, instead of by the letter.”
This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press on October 14, 1981.
Now from Punta Gorda, half-way between Sarasota and Naples, Sunshine State Bureau Chief Rank Feikel sent us this poem telling us why he prefers living in Florida.
It’s winter in Ohio And the gentle breezes blow, Seventy miles an hour At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Ohio Where the snow’s up to your butt. You take a breath of winter’s air And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, weather here is wonderful, So I guess I’ll hang around. I could never leave Ohio ‘Cause I’m frozen to the ground.
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