Special “Elvis’ Birthday” E-dition

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Improving With Age

  • image005Yesterday’s celebrity lunch for Beloved Whistelblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s “significant” birthday was supposed to be a surprise. Miss Vicki sent him an e-card, our Presidential Scholar said “Happy Birthday on his iPhone, but our Virtual Redhead Vivacious Vicky forgot to leave birthday greetings on Kane’s Faux Facebook Page. On the other hand, Mrs. Kane even invited her wonderful husband to lunch because Uno’s had a birthday special. The missus must’ve had a cancellation. And those birthday text messages from Obama and Beechmont Toyota were really special. Kane’s former assistant “Cratchit” sent gold, frankincense, and myrrh. How appropriate was that? But the bad news is: now our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher is no longer a “sextegenarian.” He hopes that now makes him an “over-sexed-tegenearian.” 

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Maurice Chevalier’s “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”

  • image009So how did the Incredibly Shrinking Fishwrap celebrate Kane’s Birthday Bash this year? Who the hell knows, due to that “temporary service interruption in our area” Time Warner has been apologizing for each of the 87 times we’ve called. We can’t even get to our home page on the internet, and it’s Roadrunner.com. Oh, the Irony!
  • Where are Obama’s technical trouble shooters when we really need them? Just imagine if everybody’s Internet was down today. The GNP of this once great nation would be nil. We wonder how all those ObamaCare signups are going today.
  • image01023 years ago, The Whistleblower was counting down the days until the next election, like when we reported that Ken Blackwell’s ‘92 campaign against Charlie Luken had already begun.
    • Hurley the historian says on this date in 1815, the Battle of New Orleans took place, but most folks in Cincinnati still haven’t forgiven Disgraced Former Hamilton County Commissioner Bob Bungalhaus for the Stadium Deal that will Live in Infamy, before he went to work for the Worst NFL Owner in History.
  • image012Recently, The Blower explained the origin of “Colder than a witch’s tit” and “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.” Yesterday our Local 12 Weather Authority is ending one of lily white reporters to Bond Hill to ask one of da brothers how cold a motherfucker really is.   
  • And how about all those freakin’ “Cancellations?” You can’t enjoy watching TV seeing all those places being closed because of the weather. The Blower says wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to assume everything was closed and then let them just announce the couple of places that were open? Bobby Leach says  “Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.”
  • image015And why do they have to close all the schools anyway? It’s not because of the weather. It’s because of their lawyers. Schools don’t want to get sued for a million dollars every time some little bastard slips on the ice, because they couldn’t clear the student parking lot.
  • Working parents were scrambling to find babysitters, having thought their wonderful children would be back in school after being home during the holiday vacations.  
  • BREAKING NEWS: One of our Whistleblower Interns found a new use for duct tape. He put it across the bottom of his TV screen so he didn’t have to watch all those school closings. Wouldn’t it be easier just to announce what’s still open? Or how just about flashing a message that says: “Everything’s closed. Stay home, Stupid!
  • image016Would you like to see why it take the City of Cincinnati so long to get the snow off the streets? Check out your over-taxed dollars at work.
  • Anderson Trustee President “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says, “We don’t have to declare ice or snow emergencies in our affluent community, because all our township roads are heated.” Former Trustee Pouting Peggy Reis says she got the last roll of toilet paper in Kroger’s at the Anderson Food Court. It was so cold, Disgraced and Defeated Former Dis-Trustee Kevin O’Brien was even seen with his hands in his own pockets, instead of one of client’s. One of the Sheriff’s Department’s “Citizens on Patrol” reported she saw a couple eating each other in one of the parked cars at the Food Court, but snow flurries had only just started and she didn’t think they were really cannibals.  
  • Whistleblower Weather Watcher Tino Delgato sent us this Native American Indian Weather Broadcast straight off of a reservation TV station in North Dakota: Finally, we have a weather report that doesn’t take 10 minutes to explain with multiple graphics and words that you have no clue as to what they mean. This is direct and to the point!

  • Meanwhile, Duffy “The Doppler Slayer” Beischel says is God really being sued because of climate change. If you don’t believe it, read this!
  • image017Remember last week when Bunky Tadwell sent us a copy of his poem entitled “Winter” that simply said, “Jesus H. Christ, it’s cold out there! (The fend)?” Well today, the Bard of Cleves has a fast four-liner about our climate:        

They say there is Global Warming,
But if I may be so crass;
This friggin’ Global Warming,
Is really freezing my ass!

  • image019The only thing better than owning a snow blower during the winter would be if your next door neighbor didn’t have to go into work, and he’d just bought a brand new snow blower, and he was begging you to let him try it out on your driveway.
  • And what about the City of Cincinnati’s so-called “Snow Plan?” We remember a few years ago when they told everybody to let their employees go home early and turned the normal three-hour afternoon drive period time into an eight-hour ordeal for everybody, and folks waiting at home could watch every excruciating moment on the Artimis web site. And do all those folks who shivered on Metro busses with no heat for more than three hours just to get home from downtown at least get a partial refund?
  •  You can get your own copy of “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Global Warming and Environmentalism” free (except for a paltry $3.95 for shipping and handling) if you join the Conservative Book Club.
  •  In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says, “What a bunch of wussies! Three flakes of snow and the Snow Plow Drivers Training Classes were called off.”
  • Also in NoKy, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says some people couldn’t attend our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher’s Surprise Birthday Bash yesterday because of the weather, especially those fat-assed folks from Fort Thomas with over-stuffed grocery carts at the Kroger store in Newport stocking up before the arrival of the Polar Vortex.
  • image021But a bigger reason was because today is Elvis’ Birthday, and all the schools and government offices could still be closed because of the weather. Pictured here is a picture of the winner of this year’s Whistleblower Elvis Look-a-like Contest.

WEATHER WUSSIES HOT LINE

e-mail your wimpy whines today.

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Some cold-hearted items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally cold-hearted subscribers.

Whistleblower Links of the Day

The Snow Plow Man

PLUS

“It was so cold” jokes

image024Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here

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