Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

It was hard to choose our lead story yesterday: The Still-Not-Ready-For-The-Playoffs Bungles or the Cold Winter Weather. —Local TV News Directors
If ever a game should’ve been blacked out on TV, you saw it on Sunday. —Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall
It was so cold last night, our brass monkey wanted to come in from the porch. —TV 5 Weather Guessers
Our prisoners at the jail made us change channels during the second half. They claimed making them watch was cruel and unusual punishment. —Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil
Channel Nine called last night to ask for a “nipple check.” —Wendy the Witch
Only the Bungals would keep a coach for 11 years without winning a playoff game, including three in a row where they played unprepared, uninspired, sloppy football. —Troublemaking Tailgater Tino Delgato
We even sent one of our of lily white reporters to Bond Hill to ask one of da brothers how cold a motherfucker is. — Local 12 Weather Authority
Doesn’t everybody wish he spent 96 bucks on a ticket to get wet watching Andy Dalton and the Bungles lose another big game? —Kroger and P&G Who Got Suckered Into Buying All Those Tickets
The weekend’s best winter weather story was when that 12 year old New Hampshire girl got her tongue stuck to a flagpole after licking it during a blizzard. —Everybody Who’s Ever Seen “A Christmas Story”
I hope everyone appreciates the 0 playoff wins I’ve delivered in my 23 years as Bungals Owner. Now give me my new $10 Million scoreboard. —Greedy Millionaire Mike Brown
Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Three bags full! —Republican Hamilton County Commissioners Greg “Tax Hike” Hartmann and Chris Monzel
Does anybody remember November 1, 2013, two months before today’s assault by record low temperatures, when Obama warned “Excessively high temperatures” are “already” harming public health nationwide? —Whistleblower Fact Checkers
Please don’t ask how much it’s costing over-taxed payers for me to stay in Hawaii after my two-week family vacation at over-taxed payers’ expense. —Michelle the Mooch
Even thought we congratulated ourselves for “passing a Budget” in 2013, the Government still faces a potential shutdown in a little more than a week, because it was only a blueprint for government spending and we must still pass legislation detailing specific expenditures before January 15, when the government’s spending authority expires. —Clowns in Congress
Today’s celebrity birthdays include three American icons: Millard Fillmore, 13th president of these United States; Paul Revere, the New England Patriot who rode through every Middlesex village and farm to warn that the British were coming; and of course, Our Very Own Beloved Whistleblower Publisher, Charles Foster Kane. —Hurley the Historian
I’m wondering if anybody will be wishing me Happy Birthday on my Faux Facebook Page today. —Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane
Please tell your Beloved Whistleblower Publisher we mailed everybody’s re-estate tax bills on Monday in honor of his birthday. —Hamilton County Treasurer Robert A. Goering
The reason we don’t have much Northern Kentucky News this morning must be because everybody’s out buying presents for Miss Vicki’s Birthday on Saturday. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
That’s why we chose Robert Frost’s “A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
Will that Chippendale guy be popping out of Miss Vicki’s cake again this year? —Cougars From Fort Mitchell
Please thank Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception for including us in last year’s rendition of Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s Party After the After Party. —Howard Wilkinson, Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin, Ohio GOP Governor John Kasich, Lady Ga Ga, Roseanne Barr, President of Iran, Mayor Mallory, Trish “the Dish,” Mitt Romney, Hillary, “JayWalking Joe” Deters, Foxy Roxy, Vladimir Putin, “Millionaire Mike” Brown, Obama’s Mooch, the Birthday Boy, Whoopi Cushion, Sarah Baby, and Bill Springerinham

Clowns to the left of you, Jokers to the right, here we are, Stuck in the middle with you. —Long-time Whistleblower Readers
How cold is it supposed to get this week? —TV 19’s “Trish the Dish”
Sheree Paolello used to always ask how warm it was when I wore my winter wig. —Jack Atherton, (Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you wanted to knit me a head warmer)

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer—

Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Winter Wussies to show that always complaining about the weather is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear toanybody who isn’t frozen stiff.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially “Randy” from “A Christmas Story.”

GLOBAL WARMING HOT LINE

e-mail your heated remarks today.

Some sub-zero items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally sub-zero Subscribers.

WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY

Mike Brown Video (from 2010)

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.