Daily Archives: January 2, 2014

Special “Resolutions Update” E-dition

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Our New Year’s Resolution Is To Be Less Sarcastic!

            Last week, The Blower published the New Year Year’s Resolutions for some of our local celebrities. They were the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions, because any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you might have seen published elsewhere were surely fake. Now we know 2014 has hardly begun, but let’s take a look to see how some our resolvers are doing anyway, just for fun.

  • image004JOHN BOEHNER: Hasn’t caved in to Obama and the DemocRATS yet.
  • OBAMA: Hasn’t gotten impeached.
  • KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: Cincinnati’s own incompetent HHS Secretary’s New Year’s Resolution is still “Lots Of People Getting Good Healthcare,” especially those five million who had their plans cancelled because of ObamaCare.
  • DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS: Haven’t heard anything about all those new ObamaCare Taxes they’ll be paying this year, probably because there was no delivery from the Post Office yesterday on New Year’s Day.
  • image006DEMANDING DEMOCRATS: Are sure to break their 2014 resolution not to spam supporters’ inboxes with endless donation requests. Between the DNC, DCCC, DSCC, OFA and Michelle, and Obama, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane received at least 18 demands for payment on Monday alone.
  • OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR KASICH-TAYLOR: Is sitting back and taking it easy, now that Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune is off and running in his primary race against endorsed Damaged DemocRAT Gubernatorial Candidate Ed Fitzgerald.
  • ODD TODD OPPORTUNE’S RESOLUTION to run took an early hit when his former law partner told The Fishwap Odd Todd wasn’t “ethically suited” to be governor.
  • image010LOONY LIBERTARIAN CANDIDATE JIM BERNS says at least he’s never done anything as ridiculous as running for governor before.
  • ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN hasn’t made a shocking announcement yet this year. In Fact, in a last minute for funds disguised as an “Year in Review,” The Robster even left out the part about supporting same sex-marriage because of his gay son!
  • HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1811 Senator Timothy Pickering, a Federalist from Massachusetts, was the first senator to be censured by the Senate after he was accused of publicly revealing secret documents communicated by the president to the Senate. These days a senator can get himself harangued for just tapping his foot in a men’s room.
  • DISGRACED DEMOCRAT OHIO STATE-SENATOR ERIC KEARNEY is still promising to pay his back taxes.
  • image009TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS still have another 306 days to figure out ways to cheat at the 2014 Elections on November 4.
  • CINCINNATI VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN has already agreed to be Grand Marshal at the Backstabbers Day Parade on March 15, where he’ll be leading Clowncilman Flynn Flam and the rest of the Streetcar Six along the route of the Trolley Folly.
  • CLOWNCILGAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK wonders if guys could get married on top of a float, just like at this year’s Rose Bowl Parade.
  • CINCINNATI MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY is resolved not to attend.
  • AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION still promises to make fun of local politicians, just like when he sent The Blower “Happy Screw Year, Mr. Mayor (And Over-Taxed Payers, Too)!.”

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  • image013HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP has found something new to Twitter about to his Facebook Friends. Does “Old Blueface” really think he can bring the 2016 Republican Political Convention to Cincinnati?
  • DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA is finding it hard to decide which resolution is more important—writing letters to The Fishwrap defending Ditzy DemocRAT Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Hunter trying to locate Republican Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters’ missing change of address card.
  • DITZY DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY JUVENILE COURT JUDGE TRACIE HUNTER plans to hold more big events at churches to raise money for her Legal Defense Fund.
  • IGNORANT AND APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS probably still won’t be paying attention.
  • image012CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN says he’s not the only NFL owner facing the possibility of a blacked-out first round playoff game this weekend because of unsold tickets. Indianapolis and Green Bay were having similar problems too. If only the streetcar were already running.   
  • REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES are sure there will be plenty of good increases to support in 2014.
  • FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS will be doing their best to help the region go from bad to diverse.
  • WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL says she will soon reveal the name of her next “Political Philanderer.”
  • CINCINNATI BEARCATS FOOTBALL COACH TOMMY TUBERVILLE is still resolved to accept his $2.2 million salary in 2014, even though the Bearcats got the Belk kicked out of them in 2013. 
  • image016$TATE REP-TILE-FOR-$ALE PETER $TAUTBERG says no matter how many people talk about running against him in a May 6 Republican Primary, he will still do whatever Larcenous Lobbyist Chippy Gerhardt tells him to do.
  • “TAXKILLER TOM” BRINKMAN wonders if he’ll ever use his old campaign website again.
  • OUTCAST ATTORNEY CHRIS FINNEY’S FORMER LAW PARTNERS have so-far keep their resolution not to divulge the reason COAST’S Litigious Lawyer is no longer a member of the firm.  
  • “MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT is looking for a huge groundswell of support when she unrolls her political comeback campaign in 2014.
  • DISGRACED-AND-DEFEATED ANDERSON TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE KEVIN O’BRIEN is so far keeping his resolution not to let The Blower find out where he’s working.

  • VICTORIOUS NEW ANDERSON TRUSTEE GERTH PAPPAS is practicing his speech to be delivered at this month’s Trustees Meeting ushering a new chapter in Anderson Leadership.
  • CONGRESSMAN STEVE CHABOTHEAD blogged his predictions for 2014. His first fearless forecast was that the Bungals would win the Super Bowl. You can check out the rest of them here.
  • TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Ohio TEA Party Guy Tom Zawistowski is thanking The Blower for our fair-and-balanced coverage of the TEA Party movement in 2013.
  • BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO knows he needs to work harder to find a few more good NoKY snitches.
  • image015U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL isn’t let a moment pass without starting more rumors about his 2016 Presidential Campaign.
  • MATT BEVIN probably needs to do more so Bitch McConnell won’t continue to ignore him as his opponent in their primary in only 138 more days.
  • NoKY DEMOCRAT DOMINATRIX KATHY GROOB has enlisted in the cause to run ads and raise money for Alison Wondergams Grimes in Kentucky in 2014.
  • KENTON COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE STEVE ARLINGHAUS is rejecting The Blower’s suggestion to change the name of his CVG Board to the “Mile High Club,” because he thinks it would be bad for his image.
  • CAMPBELL COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE STEVE SPENDERY says he won’t forget that the last time he ran against Kevin “Give ‘Em Hell” Sell in 2010, he only won by 169 votes.
  • Get a lifeBOONEDOGGLE COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE GARY MOORE says this year he will never stop thanking Cincinnati City Clowncil for helping jobs relocate to Northern Kentucky.
  • KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS says we can always count on his weekly This Week In Kenton Circuit Court newsletter to be full of felons’ ugly mug shots in 2014.
  • THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS (INCLUDING THE LISA WELLS WLW FAN CLUB) resolves not to forget to keep sending all that good stuff to the Kentucky Bar Association.
  • RICK “THE BATBOY” ROBINSON  says he plans to check with Chris Finney to compare reasons why they’re no longer with their long-time law firms.
  • avoidMICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH failed to learn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.
  • HORNY IN HEBRON says we should check out the Facebooks for some of those Wilder Women.
  • MISS VICKI says she hasn’t forgotten to call Beloved Whistblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about getting together “after the holidays.”
  • OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH says, “So much for my New Year’s Resolutions.” But you couldn’t break ‘em, if you didn’t make ‘em.”
  • QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE chose Dave Beard’s “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.”
  • to doWHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES say as soon as we hear some bad about somebody, we’ll e-mail it to The Blower immediately!
  • BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE says there’s little chance he’ll ever forget the “Whistleblower Motto.”
  • FINALLY, WHISTLEBLOWER INTERNS are so far keeping KANE’S Surprise Birthday Party next week a secret, because they know he never looks at the Countdown Calendar on the lower right hand corner of the web page.   

Seediest Kids of All

The Mikey Brown Story

          image014Today’s Seediest Kid of All is Poor Little Mikey Brown, a portly pantload from Indian Hill, who wanted to win the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition to please his dad, who was a real football fanatic. Poor Little Mikey dreamed of standing at mid-field during halftime, where a stadium full of fans would cheer him, and everybody else at home would see him on TV.

So the Seediest Kids of All sent over some professional football coaches, who taught him everything they knew.

Unfortunately, at the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition, Poor Little Mikey’s punt went a total of six yards, he fumbled the ball attempting to pass, and he tripped over the tee when he tried to kick the ball. On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t have sent over the Bungals coaching staff. At least he didn’t embarrass himself in front of a stadium full of people, since the stands were empty, and since it was a Bungals home playoff game, nobody saw it at home because as usual, because the game was blacked out on TV.

The Brown family called to express their gratitude to for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your guilt and over-taxed payer dollars throughout the year which make it all possible.

More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans

image020Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our January fund-raising drive by the Cincinnati Bungals, hoping for a little extra publicity to help them sell a few remaining tickets for this weekend’s first-round playoff game, so the TV broadcast doesn’t get blacked out for all those idiots who spent money they didn’t have on new 70-inch wide screen TVs for Christmas.

MORE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL CARTOONS

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 POST HOLIDAY DEPRESSIONS HOT LINE

e-mail us something today if you still give a crap

image017 Some really sad items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really sad subscribers.

Whistleblower Link of the Day

Barack Obama 2014 State of the Union Address

image018Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here

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